Feeling kinda proud of myself
A year ago I could barely walk for 2 3 minutes without feeling exhausted. I was constantly anxious, paranoid, dissociated, depressed, and scared of losing my mind. At my worst I was smoking 10 hash(chars)cigarettes a day, going through packs of velo, taking benzos and pregabalin and feeling completely empty for months. I genuinely thought that was just going to be my life forever.
I still remember sitting with the psychiatrist when she told my mother I was “about to get schizophrenia and it is like cancer”(lost a sibling to cancer) That shattered us i still wonder why did she say that i had no psychotic symptoms it was bad anxiety. But, even during the worst days, a small part of me kept thinking maybe tomorrow could be better.
When the antidepressants first started working and I managed to walk 500 meters without fatigue, I was genuinely happy. Later they stopped working , but by then I had already decided I had to take responsibility for myself. I started working out, meditating, fixing my habits, trying to rebuild my health but they were countless setbacks. Back then even 5 pushups felt impossible and one proper pull up seemed like a dream.
Now fast forward to today it’s been 5 months since I quit psychiatric meds for anxiety and depression. I’m still improving, still figuring things out, but life feels completely different. I can do 40 pushups straight, 7 pull-ups, go to the gym 4 to 5 times a week, can walk for hours, read books, enjoy being around people again, and actually feel peace. The paranoia is mostly gone, the depression too. For the first time in a long time I’ve felt real joy again. First the dissociation settled then the sad and hopeless then at last the anxiety. Been on journey for months only recently i have started feeling normal the trick is to live life do all the good stuff while treating like all the bad stuff as a guest it will slowly leave don’t fixate on thoughts treat them as just as thoughts, most importantly be nice to everyone but avoid becoming close to people that could cause harm to ur peace.
I’ve gone from 600mg absorbed nicotine use to around 20mg a week, from 25g of hash to around 1g week, no benzos in a month, no pregabalin in two months. I know I still have a long way to go, but honestly I’m proud of myself. A year ago I wouldn’t have believed any of this was possible.