i cannot keep it in anymore
since i was little (7-8 ish) when my step dad came, everythig turned from 0 to 100 quickly. at the start i rlly liked him, however he had a big crash out on me when me and my sibling had a fight (mind u i was 8 and he was fully shouting at me). after that, my mum came up to me and asked if i still wanted to be with the guy, but i didnt want my mum to be sad so i said yes, against my will.
since then, such "parenting" attitudes have continued, and i absolutely hate it. he is an absolute narcissist who thinks he is always right and that i am always wrong, especially when he is clearly in the wrong. for example, a parcel arrived and they didn't call the flat, so my mum went to get it. he then crashed out and said it is my responsibility to pick up the call (but it NEVER called, so how am i supposed to know?). i told him that and he then quote on quote said "you didnt hear it cuz u think it's not ur responsibility to". 😭😭 wtf r u talking about??? he then continues to say that i am lazy and stupid (which had happened many times) and claimed that i dont want to help out the family. but then absolutely DOES NOT see anything i do.
this is sickening and tiring, all he does is talk about responsibility, twist my words around and use big ideas such as "in life u have to follow things that u dont like so I'm forcing it to u now" like wtf?
he himself is already emotionally unstable, and he already argues with my mum basically every week. he kept talking about how he hates his job and he is depressed whilst shouting at me (aka "teaching me"), which just shows how he uses my minor mistakes as a way to express his depression onto me. and this has happened for 8 years already.
i cannot take it anymore, just because i act like nothing happened doesnt mean i am not fucking fine. ive been getting urges to cry out of nowhere since then and its been getting worse. ive been getting suicidal thoughts every day but not severe enough to talk to a hotline. i am depressed and sad because ive never been loved in my life with an actual father character, and what can i do to express my emotions. everytime something like this happens i am expected to just listen to his bullshit whilst he take my phone and laptop away as a "punishment" for stuff that half the time wasnt even that big of a problen (like for example the parcel thing mentioned above).
what should i do? my mum tells me not to hold everything in and i dont want to, but everytime something happens i am forced to.