I love and hate my boyfriend with all of my heart.
Plate consists of garlic stuffed olives, mozzarella balls, pita chips, goat cheese, pickes, cheese wrapped with salami, chicpea salad, and dried sausage. Ultimate snacky dinner plate.
I just need to vent somewhere. I can't bother my mom and I dont want to vent to my friends because I truly cant find the right time to emotionally vomit all over them.
For the past 4 years I have struggled with a great intertal complex, I love my boyfriend just as much as I hate him. He's very passionate, charismatic, funny, smart, and my best friend. But at the same time hes like a pebble stuck in my fucking shoe. Constantly inconveniencing me, irritating me, and sometimes he makes me so mad I feel like I could just tear all my skin off and scream. This complex stems from the fact that I have BPD and he does not help with domestic labor.
I feel my emotions very deeply and it takes alot of effort to keep myself in check. Most days I find myself crying in the bathroom because I am so filled with anger and I dont want to unleash it on anyone. Im so tired of being such a torn person. It feels like everytime I decided to leave him he suddenly reminds me of why I love him so much. How could I leave my best friend just because hes not the best at cleaning? Shouldn't I just be more patient, more understanding? Should I just keep my temper under wraps and show him how to correctly load the dishwasher for the millionth time? Is it really such a big deal that I have to ask him to clean up after himself every single day?
But then I go back to being angry. I dont want to be in this position of "nagging bitch". We sit down and talk, I tell him how unfair it is that most of the domestic labor falls on me, how we both work 9-5 jobs, how we both just want to relax at the end of the day, and how we're a team and should function as one. He'll start crying, I start crying, promises are made- Ive heard the words "I love you and ill do better" so many times. I used to think things got better after these talks but now I wonder if thats true. Are things better or am I just more patient and forgiving because I made my boyfriend cry? It doesnt really matter because after a month his old behaviors return. I could make a long list of the things he doesnt do but its just easier to say he never takes initiative- at all, ever. Unless im in a bad mood of course. Then suddenly the trash is taken out, laundry is done, litter boxes emptied, bed made, so on.
What irritates me the most is how proud he looks after hes done all of it. I come out of the bathroom after spending an hour calming down just to be met with this grown man grinning like a puppy. "I made the bed for you babe". Does he want a gold star or something? I tell him I appreciate it but really I just wanna rip the sheets off the bed and tell him to shut up. Imagine if I waited around for a thank you after every task.
But then I'm back to loving him. Really I never stopped loving him, its more like my anger took over instead. When we sit next to eachother I feel so happy and complete. I love our life that we've built together. I feel so proud of our home and our mini family. He takes me out on fun dates and makes me laugh so much that my face hurts. I love when we shower together because we have such deep and intimate talks in the shower. I think its better than sex because we're standing there naked just talking. Ive never been so connected with someone like that. You know, when we're on the same wave length we become such a good team. We understand each other so well.
I dont know, at this point I've been typing for so long that Im not as angry as I was when I started and my tears have dried to my face. I feel like my relationship is a mess I cant sort through or figure out. Alot of things go through my head, like why doesnt he have these issues at work? He's usually one of the top employees at his job, always moving up because he's diligent and works hard. I also wonder if this is just all men. I never had these issues when I had a girlfriend. Maybe its just my bpd. Like am I even seeing reality, or is my BPD and strong emotions creating a fog I can't see through?
At the end of the day I just want a clean house and a consistent schedule. It would also be nice if I didnt hate my boyfriend. Thanks for reading all of this.