hi, im 17M from singapore. not sure how to start writing something like this but from the top of my mind, i believe im being abused. Like most of my life. my mom usually turns small things (imo) into big issues. For example, i bite my nails and peel them alot, and she has tried many methods to help me kick it off but i somehow cannot. She has slapped me, hit me with hangers, shamed me and stuff. Yet she said she has done her best to help me, like buy fidget toys, help me apply layers of nail polish stuff and etc. And that is true, so i cant help but wonder if im a failure who cannot do something like kickng off a simple bad habit. She says this reflects my non existsent willpower, and compares me to other humans and kids who dont have such a problem. Basically im a disappointment to her. My dad is a caring loving guy, but can be turned into a monster by my mom. They argue often (also about me sometimes) and i remember one day my mom asking me angrily if i was happy that they were arguing over things related to me. my mom seems to care and love me though, which makes it all so confusing. shes a stay at home mom, so she can afford time to cook for us. She displays signs of affection sometimes, like buying good food and stuff. But when she gets pissed, she will tell me that im "siao" (crazy) , swear at me like "what the fuck is your problem" , or call me stupid or useless. For many years, i will just silently accept this punishment, as well as let her slap me or hit me and stuff. But i dont want to take it anymore, but im not the type to retaliate very hard. For example, I wanted to leave my house early to go meet my girlfriend so we can go to school together for the 1st time. But she was going through my banking app transaction history and the time was slowly ticking away for me to leave the house, but i cant until shes done with whatever she wants to do. I started getting anxious as i didnt want to be late to meet my gf and i kept wanting to leave. But she decided to hold me back for grilling, as I never leave the house so early (ive been late to school often). I was getting really anxious about standing up my gf (she cant reach out to me since I text her mainly on another phone which my mom hasnt caught me with yet. I am hiding this phone at that time of interaction.) and I asked my mom if i could just go to school and discuss whatever she wanted after it as its the morning and its tiring to do this in the morning. But she got angry and asked me "wtf is ur problem" . Eventually i did manage to leave but my gf was waiting for 20MINS before i manage to tell her how sorry i was for being late. She left for school alone that day. Speaking about this topic, my mom is also very controlling about my device usage. No internet, no downloading apps, screen time, and now theres an app that specifically can lock apps and i have to record my screen to unlock the already very few apps on my phone (she can basically see my screen, but she rarely does so i think). Now ive also been banned from playing games (as a result of my nail biting relapse). This is the reason i bought a phone without my parents permission (i feel guilty). Everytime my mom gets angry, she starts to raise her voice and look at me with almost hateful looking eyes like she was daring me to try and fight back. My dad is also a slave to my mom, being forced to attend to her every needs. My dad is not perfect, but i can see hes trying his best already, but my mom just cannot see it. I feel so suffocated at home. I sometimes feel that my mom and occasionally my dad will push the blame onto me, and sometimes just ignore my perspective. As i write this, i can hear them arguing. The more i write, the more i think im being abused. I already sent a form to a government body to self report abuse, but im scared for my future.
Can anyone help me? I can provide more details and stories if i remember them. Im basically confused because i think they love me, in ways that maybe are just unconventional. I can share more if anyone needs.