Long story incoming. 3 years ago, my now wife and I decided to be together. I am in a generally loving, committed marriage. I also need help.
We had been best friends for 6 years and were living apart due to school. 2 years prior to being together, we did hook up once when she was visiting, though distance made any progress impossible. We were still on talking terms
Then, a couple of years later, we started talking more and she visited me. Things were great, she was staying at my house too and at the end of a 5 day trip we decided to be together. We were going to be long distance which would suck, but be worth it.
A week after being together, she did admit to me that somebody she had started seeing before her visit came to my city to city her when she was visiting - something she felt was too pushy and uncomfortable and also struggled to say no to. She said they went to a park and they kissed once out of avoiding the situation/talk and the fact that she and I hadn’t officially decided to be together yet. It hurt, but I understood it and moved on.
Meanwhile, our relationship is splendid, and about a month later, after 6 years of trust and friendship, we eloped and got married. It was the greatest day of my life. I never felt more loved, confident and alive.
A few weeks later, the incident with the man that visited her came up in conversation and she mentioned that they went to his hotel - but still that they only kissed a few times. We had a few long conversations about this earlier and I asked many clarifying questions. It wasn’t “technically” cheating because I hadn’t asked her to be with me yet, but she was staying at my house when she visited. This kinda broke me.
It also put some things into perspective about the time she ended things with this guy over text - not saying she was with me, but just that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.
This sucked and initially she didn’t understand my pain. I have dealt with lies and infidelity before and this was my first time opening up again in about 5 years
The next 6 months were tough - a lot of fights, I started therapy and didn’t know how to deal with any of this.
Since then, our relationship really has improved. We started couple’s therapy, our communication is better, we are in love. We live together too.
I am still in pain. I don’t have full trust and this lingering doubt for years is really killing me. This situation did change the way I see her. Additionally, it has deeply impacted our sex life - we’re incredibly infrequent and now I have building intense desires for others - also partly stemming from philosophical changes after prior infidelity and this situation, but it’s becoming unbearable now
The parts I struggle with are:
- The Hypothetical - did I make the right choice by staying?
- I still hold deep anger and resentment over this lie. It makes trusting 100% incredibly difficult. What more can we do to fix this?
- Intense sexual desire for external sources of pleasure, something she isn’t okay with. I’m at a point where I’m unable to understand my desires, yearn for them daily and have nowhere to go
- A few times a week, in moments of sadness, I feel like the younger me died. I envision his death in some ways. It’s scary.
What is going on