u/HorrorTelephone7556

My cousin (26f) and her husband (28m) are at the center of a lot of controversy in our family right now. Reddit has helped me in the past and, as she wants to keep her privacy, she asked me (30f) if I could post here for advice.

My cousin and her husband, I’ll name them Jeff and Tammy (not real names) just had their first baby, a positively adorable baby girl, just over two months ago. They’re struggling as much as any new parents would be, but they’re making the best of their new schedules, new priorities, and altered lives.

Apparently, about a month ago, Jeff came to Tammy and told her he was struggling really badly to bond with the baby. She says he kept saying there’s “something wrong with himself” and was crying and getting really upset. I’ve known Jeff for a couple of years now and know that the guy’s got real issues with self esteem, something I have in common with him actually. Apparently, though he’s reassured Tammy that he trusts her completely and simply cannot believe she’d step out on their marriage, would it be okay if they got a paternity test? Tammy asked if she could think on it, and he gave her some space until, after a day or so, she’d get the test done as long as he paid for it. He tried to back out, say he didn’t know what he was thinking when he asked, but Tammy said that if it would help him with his doubts and anxiety, she’d get it done.

They got the test done and, naturally, the baby is 100% Jeff’s. Both Jeff and Tammy seemed no longer be on edge and it’s like a weight was taken off their shoulders. The problem? A lot of our family is really angry at Jeff for even asking for the test. Tammy told them she agreed to it, but they’re still really mad at him. Tammy’s best friend, who I’ll call Lola, keeps telling Tammy that she needs to get out of this relationship, that Jeff is toxic, that trust is broken forever and there’s no going back, etc.

Tammy refuses to leave Jeff, says the decision was mutual, and has been defending Jeff. I’ve been supporting Jeff too because, as far as I can tell, he did everything right. He didn’t accuse Tammy of cheating (not really), we know he has anxiety and self esteem problems, and being a new parent is really, really hard for both moms and dads. But now, I’m getting flack for stand with Jeff and supporting Tammy’s decision to stay. I’m on the spectrum so I’m not sure if I’m seeing things clearly or not.

AITA?

My post got removed a little while after I put it up, then I tried posting in a couple other places but with the same result, so I’m just gonna post here in case anyone wants to know how things are going.

Thanks to those who responded! It was nice to get some feedback and it did help me feel a bit better. That being said, you guys are saying that the very act of Jeff asking Tammy for the test was, in itself, an accusation of cheating. So, I showed the post to Tammy and she provided some answers that I think helped me feel better.

When someone asked how Jeff could ask for a paternity test but not accuse Tammy of cheating, this is what Tammy had to say. When their baby was first born and Jeff got to hold her for the first time, he said there was just this wave of love and powerful emotion that kinda fell over him. Apparently, in the hospital, if Tammy thought she’d never have gotten the baby away from Jeff if she didn’t have to breastfeed her (lol). Then, when they got home, something shifted in Jeff’s brain. That initial wave of emotion suddenly wasn’t there anymore. He no longer felt as connected to her and, somehow, he got it into his head that they might have brought home the wrong baby somehow. His anxiety and depression spiraled, mixed up with lack of sleep and constant crying, and he felt like his daughter wasn’t the one he’d seen in the hospital. That’s why he wanted the paternity test. It was solid, believable proof that he could go back to should these doubts resurface.

For those saying that Jeff needed therapy, you’re not wrong. He did have individual therapy for a while, but his therapist was no longer covered by his insurance and he’s been struggling to find a new one. Tammy says she and Jeff are looking into a couples counselor to help them keep their relationship strong and be a united front for their baby, but that they’ll keep looking for an individual therapist for Jeff as well.

For the most part, the family drama’s quieted down. Some family members are still grumbling, but most of them have adopted a “if she’s fine with it then it’s none of our business” mentality. Lola, Tammy’s best friend, still thinks Jeff is trash and Tammy is no longer talking to her.

Thanks again everyone.