Let's call her Natalie. So, i've known Natalie almost my entire life but we became truly close friends back in 2018 and we have a lot of beautiful memories together. But the nature of our friendship has always been a bit...peculiar. I kind of craved and depended on Natalie's validation and from Natalie's end i've always been the one to be there for her when things got really bad with either her family or her in her dating life. And so whenever my presence, or my words, or my actions made her feel better, i felt very accomplished.
I used to be bullied as a kid and didn't have any friends, infact, even Natalie herself bullied me a little when i was like 5/6 years old but i put all that behind me as something she did when she didn't know any better. Just felt like a something i needed to mention.
Anyways so, little by little I stopped feeling that sense of accomplishment as my need for validation reduced and at the same time the things i needed to risk, in order to "support' her, increased.
Up until 2 years ago, the things she needed my support with were things she did because she was too young to understand the consequences or things that were out of her control. For example-
- in 2019 she dated a man twice her age. i tried to do everything to convince her to leave that pedophile but she didn't until he got bored of her and she found her current boyfriend.
- her mom is an epilepsy patient so i've rushed over to her house at hours like 1am or 2am to be there for her, multiple times. I would do this as many times as needed and this is also something i would do for anyone but the fact that i do this feels like something i should mention.
- her family is verbally abusive and has hit her several times so there were about 2 or 3 times when I kept her in my house and even got my own family involved to ensure she didn't face more verbal abuse or get hit.
This list could go on and this list involves far more dire situations.But these are things i would readily support her through because she was truly a victim and there was nothing she could have done differently. If i'm not there by her side through these then what kind of a friend am i, right?
Now the issue is, recently...let's say for about 2 years now...the issues that i need to support her through seem...orchestrated??? It's as if she hates being in peace, so whenever nothing bad is naturally happening she makes terrible decisions and brings something bad onto herself.
For example, She started drinking with her boyfriend a few months ago. Around the beginning of this year she did it multiple times in a month and they drank in place where people who know her live. People that also know me. People that know very well that I am friends with her.
I live in a religious country so drinking here is something to be very secretive about, if you are a full grown adult. If you are young adults like us still living with your parents and people find out you drink, it would ruin your whole social life.
Knowing all this she has tried to get me to drink with her multiple times but i refused sternly. But i was worried for her safety so i went over a few times to where her and her boyfriend along with a friend of the boyfriend were drinking, thankfully I left before someone saw. And someone did see. They didn't catch her drinking but they did see her in a very weird place and with weird company so that brought on some trouble. The person that saw her is close to my uncle so word got to my uncle and he interrogated me. I tried to handle things nicely and did manage to smooth things over in a way that made her seem as innocent as possible.
A month later a similar thing happened and this time shit was about to get much much worse but thankfully nothing happened. This time too i had to do a few things to ensure that shit didn't hit the fan.
Aside from this drinking issue, she also has a very toxic relationship with her boyfriend. They do and say very disrespectful things to one another but still stay together. Everytime I think, it can't get any worse than this, it does. Now i don't even get shocked anymore. I told her to stop telling me about it if she wasn't going to leave him but i somehow still end up dragged into it anyway and even have to witness their fights.
At this point its as if she doesn't even care about my safety. It feels like she keeps testing me to see if i still stick by her side through all this and if I stop and choose myself, choose my own mental health, and say "you brought this shit on, so you clean it up." she'll make it seem like I abandoned her when she was vulnerable and needed help. I know because she has done that before. If i try to communicate with her about this she'll say "i dont have the energy for all of this right now, just leave me, just end this friendship."
please help, i'm so confused. She clearly has something like BPD and i've tried to convince her to get help multiple times. Now im worried about my own safety and mental health. Being with her is extremely draining, to the say the least. Am i wrong to feel this way? Am i being too selfish?