im judging myself for being lazy even when i work for at least 8 hours a day
i feel like im spending my time wrong and i dont like the way i feel all the time. i deleted instagram and twitter to stop reading and watching stuff, bought books i wanted to read, and the weather is great so i can finally go outside and enjoy it, BUT I DONT DO IT. it makes me insane because im my own enemy?? i spend less time on the internet because my life feels miserable when i use it, but i cant push myself to go outside and read for example. i just dont want to do it either. i just wanna go out and walk around my yard or watch the clouds, but when i do that im judgmental because it feels useless so i dont do it aswell
i work online from home, so when i finish my shift i get angry because i spent my whole day at home and didnt do anything useful, even though ive literally been working. it feels like i always have to do something that makes sense and spend time usefully, but at the same time im lazy and dont feel like doing anything, so its just a circle where i blame myself for being lazy, but even if i do something its never enough
the only times i dont feel useless are when i travel and walk 30k steps in one day, or when i help my dad at the construction site. i have so much energy and no place to spend it right away, and thats why i get angry. i wanna be a mule who just works all the time to feel useful what the hell?? i also fucked up some documents yesterday, and because of that i wanted to punish myself by not letting myself buy a new car because i feel like im not a serious person more like scooby doo or something someone who just has fun and unserious so im gonna fuck up the documents again or mess something else up. when i loaded my coffee into the wrong place in the coffee machine today i wanted to eliminate myself. thanks