I’m wondering if I’m overreacting or if I’m justified in feeling really hurt.
I have been best friends with this girl for about 10 years. We’ve known each other since school, and through the years, she has had a lot of friendships come and go, but I’ve always been the consistent friend who stayed by her side and even cut off people in support of her. I’m more introverted and don’t have a huge friend group, so she has always been my closest friend.
Two years ago, I got married. She was my only bridesmaid and was very involved in supporting me. Around that time, my family didn’t approve of my marriage, and after the wedding I went through a really hard depression period because of family problems and all the changes happening in my life. My depression period was really bad. I was in bed for days at a time and never saw my husband because he worked 16 hour shifts due to financial strain. I felt lonely and didn’t even see sunlight for weeks at a time due to being in a basement. I pulled away from a lot of people, including her, and I wasn’t as social as I used to be. I even stopped going to school and failed the semester.
A few months later, she told me she felt like I wasn’t putting effort into our friendship anymore. I explained that I had been depressed and struggling, but she felt neglected because she thought I was still seeing my family and just not making time for her. I apologized and tried to explain that it wasn’t personal and tried explaining the extent of my depression.
Eventually I thought we were okay again, but things felt different. She started getting closer to other friends, which I understood because I wasn’t hanging out as much as before between working, school, and being married. I still considered her my best friend though and would ask her to hangout any point I could.
A year later, she got engaged and started planning her wedding. Unlike my wedding, where she was my only bridesmaid and very involved, she had cousins, family members, and two other close friends involved. I wasn’t as included in the planning, partly because her family was running a lot of it and had stronger opinions. I suggested things like dress options, but there were so many people involved that I didn’t feel like my input mattered much.
During her wedding events, I also felt hurt by a few things. For example, she didn’t really make time to take pictures with me and her 2 friends whereas she did with her hundreds of extended family members. She also didn’t help me with her cultural clothes for a main event like we had previously discussed, even though during my wedding I let her borrow whatever she wanted and djd not let her spend a single dime. She was also very stressed and yelled at me a few times on her wedding day which upset me and made me cry. I was extremely upset.
After her honeymoon, I waited for her to reach out, but she didn’t. I eventually did reach out and we started talking again about her honeymoon and furniture and newly married life, so I didn’t bring up my resentment and anger from the wedding because I didn’t want to ruin a 10-year friendship. I let go of a lot of my resentment similarly to how I always have in our whole friendship. I actually believe that our friendship lasted so long compared to dozens of friends who have come and gone in her life partly because I compromise and don’t stand up for myself as much as I should’ve.
She moved several hours away after her wedding. I had been asking her for a while when I could come visit her but times didn’t align because I’m still in school and work. I had time during the summer months but she then kept saying not yet because her siblings were visiting first, then her cousins, and that she would let me know when it was a good time. I respected that.
Then one day, while we were on the phone, she casually mentioned that the two other bridesmaids from her wedding were coming to visit her next month because her siblings had canceled. I asked if I could come too, since I had also been asking to visit for a while. She said yes and told me she would just double check with the other girls.
I got excited and started looking into flights and planning things. The next day, she called and told me I couldn’t come anymore. She said one of the girls was okay with me coming, but the other girl was shy, had already spent money, and didn’t feel comfortable with me being there because she doesn’t know me well enough. Apparently she wanted time to catch up, and share personal things.
The thing is, I do know these girls. We were all in her bridal party together. We’re not close, but we’ve met and spent time together during wedding planning. There has never been any beef or tension between me and the girl who said she wasn’t comfortable. We actually go to the same school, and after my best friend moved away, I asked her a few times if she wanted to hang out, but she was always busy or said she’d let me know. When I would ask my best friend, she would say that this girl just keeps a small circle and doesn’t know me well and we eventually may get closer if we hang out more often in a group setting my best friend comes to visit us.
I felt extremely hurt because this is supposed to be my best friend. I felt like she protected her other friends’ comfort over mine. I also felt embarrassed because I had been asking to visit for so long, and then as soon as her other friends were visiting, I was only allowed to come if they approved of me.
A few days later, my best friend called to ask how I was doing, and I told her everything I had been feeling, including resentment from her wedding and how hurt I was about being uninvited. She apologized for some of how she acted during the wedding, but she also said she had been feeling distant from me since I got married.
I told her that what also hurt is that after she got married, she stopped reaching out unless I was calling first. She was busy, adjusting to married life, and not calling me as much. But when I had gone through that same phase after my wedding, she took it personally and said I wasn’t putting effort into the friendship even though I was literally struggling. When I brought up that she wasn’t really calling me either, she got annoyed and said I had done the same thing to her first, so I didn’t really have the right to question her. That felt unfair to me because when I pulled away after my wedding, I was dealing with depression, family conflict, and financial struggle.
When we got to talking about the trip situation and how I felt she chose her other friends over me, she said she wasn’t choosing them over me. She said they had coincidentally asked first after her siblings canceled, and she didn’t want to force one of them to be uncomfortable after they had already planned for the trip. She also said that if the roles were reversed and I wasn’t comfortable with someone else coming, she would tell that person not to come too. However if I was in her position, I would never uninvited someone to MY house for the comfort of another friend and especially not uninvited my best friend of 10 years just because another friend said she didn’t want her there.
Now I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels like this is another example of me always compromising, letting things go, and not standing up for myself. I’m wondering if I’ve been holding onto this friendship because of history, even though I don’t feel prioritized or listened and understood anymore.
AITA for considering cutting off my best friend over this? Or am I overreacting and should I understand her side?
Edit: for those saying she is my best friend but I’m probably not hers, maybe we have grown a bit apart. However during and before her wedding she would call me her best friend in front of her cousins and those other 2 close friends in this post, AND there would be many things she explicitly shared with me only because in her own words, I was her closest longest standing friend who she trusted with her personal deepest things. She would even tell me that she wouldn’t share half of what she shared with me to her other 2 friends, even after she got married and, they were more so friends for having fun and doing activities.
Also I need advice on how to deal with this going forward. Because since this conversation, she has called me pretending nothing has happened and catching up on life, but I can’t help but still feel hurt. I’m sure she will also in the near future ask me to visit at a later time. How do I go on about this, I still feel pretty disrespected?