im m18. I've always tried to do things the way they're supposed to. And that didn't even have to be the convetional way, like if I thought something unconventional is what I'm supposed to do I'd do it. And that doesn't sound too much of a problem but I've always felt like I was waiting for something to happen to start living, when I finish this test I'll start living, when i finish highschool I'll start living, when I get a partner I'll start living.
To try and get out of that mindset (because that's not the mindset I'm supposed to have if I wanna be happy) I tried focusing on enjoying the journey. Because I got so focused on enjoying things and being happy, I accidentally made being happy my new "supposed to be". Whenever I was happy I thought "great, I'm having fun, im doing what im supposed to be doing". Which isn't right either, because now I felt I was just chasing some definitive objective again. So I tried just enjoying any feeling I felt. But I started thinking "am i feeling sad well? am i feeling angry well?". Which then again, isnt how people are supposed to act, so I tried to be natural. But being natural isnt something you try.
And that becomes a cycle until I dont find joy in doing the hobbies I used to like, or getting praised, or finishing my homework or anything. The only difference if I do my obligations, is that I dont have to deal with the repercussions of not doing them. That's why I still do my college work, cook, clean, exercise, etc. Because that's what someone who tries to get better does. And I also find myself wondering if I should stop doing those things because "that's what mentally tired people do". Like this is actually exhausting, but when I think that I immediately go "great, I had a spontaneous thought, that way I'll finally feel better". Then i get a hollow feeling at seeing how I'm looking for an objective again.
I also relapsed again yesterday after a year and 4 months of being clean of self harm, and it didnt change anything, i guess. I really dont care about it. I dont know what to feel about this all anymore. I don't wanna suffer or be hollow. I'm tired but it seems I'm still not tired enough not to check if Im already tired enough to stop caring at all and actually have spontaneous feelings. The thing is when I "finally" have an spontaneous feeling I won't be there, noticing that I had it, so I'll have this issue until I forget about it. Im sorry if this is not explained well.