How to handle a transition to strict boundaries with my ex [23F] who is pushing for marriage with me [21M] after a 4-year history of inconsistent transparency?
Hello Reddit. I [21M] am seeking strategic advice on how to firmly establish boundaries and navigate a complicated dynamic with my ex-partner [23F]. We have a 4-year history of breaking up and trying to reconcile, and I am currently struggling to maintain my self-esteem.
To provide context, here is the timeline of our dynamic regarding transparency and relational boundaries:
- Year 1 (Summer 2022): We started dating. Throughout our relationship, physical intimacy was entirely withheld, and she constantly set strict emotional and material conditions for it. Early on, she disclosed that prior to our relationship, she had a brief history with a close family member of mine (my first cousin). I chose to accept it at the time.
- End of Year 1 - Year 2: We separated. During this period (around New Year's), she pursued me heavily, emotional and desperate, inviting me over specifically to establish intimacy to reconcile. I chose to ignore her at that time.
- Year 2 – Year 3: We remained separated. During this time, she maintained an intimate connection with another individual multiple times.
- Year 3: We briefly attempted a reconciliation. I attempted to initiate closer physical intimacy, but she refused, explicitly stating that I needed to "earn" it through gifts and material gestures first. Recently, she established a rule that intimacy is strictly reserved for a formal, locked-in relationship status.
- Present time (Year 4, 2026): We were discussing getting back together. She recently admitted to another past connection.
- What I uncovered: Through mutual acquaintances, I recently found out she actively hid at least two more past partners from our local school/university with whom she had no strict conditions or barriers.
The double standard is severely affecting my self-worth. With outside individuals and my relative, intimacy occurred naturally without any demands. With me—the person who consistently supported her—everything required transactional conditions. Now, sensing me pulling away, she suddenly sent a high-pressure message saying: "Marry me." I strongly feel she is panicking due to a major family wedding coming up on August 8th where we are both invited.
Recent events: After her marriage proposal, I implemented a strict 2-day period of silence. When she followed up asking if I was okay, I responded coldly, stating I simply lacked the desire to communicate. Immediately after, I sent a final message suggesting we close the chapter on romance and remain strictly platonic. She has now been ignoring that message for over 24 hours.
I need perspective on how to handle the next steps correctly:
- What is the most effective psychological approach to maintaining my distance and not falling back into this transactional cycle during her silence?
- How should I logistically approach navigating the upcoming family wedding in August to ensure my emotional boundaries remain completely uncompromised?
TL;DR: My ex [23F] wants to get back together with me [21M] and is pushing for marriage, but I found out she hid a past relationship with my first cousin and multiple guys from our university. While she had no conditions for them, she constantly demanded I "earn" intimacy through gifts. I suggested staying friends, and she has been ignoring me for 2 days. Need advice on how to maintain strict boundaries and handle the upcoming family wedding in August.