I’m tired of being me
I’ve been feeling really negative about myself lately to the point I’m stating to really increase thoughts about harming myself. I’ve always been on the bigger side my whole life. I’ve always been the punch line “the mark henry” the joke of the group. I’ve been “the uk beast” in highschool and college. Im the definition of ugly black girl, I’m just tired of constantly having to deal with bullshit bcs of being a fat dark skin girl.
I’m aware I’ve got the worst possible body shape for a woman I’m an apple body shape, I’ve got no ass, a big ass belly, no hips, and just big breasts. I have scars and stretch marks across my body, they make me look like I’ve had children, my face only gets compliments when I’m wearing a lot of makeup. Nothing looks good on me and if it does it’s some English teacher outfit. I’m a disappointment to everyone they see my face and boobs they think they pulled a thick pretty girl then they see the full me and that’s enough to make them throw up. I’ve never been wanted romantically by someone properly.
i didn’t choose to be born with such imperfections yet im punished by them constantly. Recently my friends have been talking about going clubbing, going out and doing stuff with boys and I have to nothing to tell them. I can go clubbing nothing looks good on me, I can’t dance for shit to anything, and ik I’m not going to be laughed at. When I have “romantic” situations they all ended up just me being used as an ego boost or pastime making me feel even more undesirable and I always end up chasing after them bcs who else is going to want me.
When my friends tell me their experiences with men it just makes me really jealous and angry. they get pursued and taken seriously without having to beg for it I have to and even when I do I’m still not enough, I have to work 10x harder to only receive basically nothing from them, bcs why would they bother to give effort to an ugly fat pig. I’m just a quick source of entertainment. Black men make a mockery out of me for being in this body and I have to just accept it.
Being in a friend group full of beautiful girls that don’t need makeup to complete their beauty are all incredibly beautiful can wear whatever they want they go out and experience life, all of them have the right body types. They are the right type of black girls all light complexions, thick, they can do their cultural dances, can sing in their culture language then there’s me. The odd one out. I live a life full of insecurities and hatred towards myself that lately I’ve not been able to see what is the point in being here if I’m constantly going to feel like I’m a mistake, a monster, a flaw.
I want to be able to do stuff, go out but I can’t bcs I feel like the odd one out over and over again, I feel like a pig pretending to be swan. I genuinely feel like I’m a failure of a black woman.