So I have been avoiding media that promotes white defaultism and doesn’t have a sensible representation of black people. But it’s not easy given that I grew up watching Disney Channel and anime. It feels as if I’m throwing away a huge part of myself. But I have to, because it doesn’t make sense to remain attached to media that promotes these things. Anyone else in the same boat as me?

I tried putting this in r/blackmen a weeks back but I hadn't gone through the sub requirements before posting.

Did anyone else get treated with a fundamentally different, harsher lens in school than everyone around you, even when you genuinely weren't one of "the bad kids"?

Looking back to elementary and middle school, I was mostly annoying, kind of a twerp, but the reactions I got were wildly disproportionate to what I was actually doing. Every time a teacher reprimanded me, it came with almost overzelous indignation and pearl clutching. What I remember most is the feeling of being monitored. Like, trust was never on the table, and I could only hope to briefly avoid their scrutiny for a bit. Teachers and administrators looked at me less like a student and more like a problem that needed to be closely watched.

The part that gets me is that I was a weird kid who got bullied and had no real friends until high school. It created dissidence because I was fighting off this label of being a perpetrator when I was more often a victim of other people's bullshit. I couldn't really defend myself without facing a teacher's wrath for disrupting a class, but they always turned a blind eye when someone would call me a bitch to my face.

I'm not trying to bitch about the past or start a "one of the good ones" conversation, because that shit is it's own trap. I'm just wondering if school treated you like a threat by default, regardless of what you were actually doing.

Did anyone deal with something like this or maybe a thing close to it? Were you one of "the bad ones?" If so, do you feel like you constantly got overblown reactions to minor shit?

I'm 21, neurodivergent, have an unattractive face, and am currently struggling with years of trauma. A lot of people don't consider people like me or the things we go through. After a while, that hurts, and it makes me feel lonely. Like, my problems are only valid if I'm presented a certain way and masking in public spaces.

I grew up near ATL, but was constantly bullied for being "different" (later found out that I'm neurodiverse), and for having an ugly face. Unfortunately, my later years didn't make things any better, and I realized how cruel some people could be. My differences have been used as a scapegoat to bully, harass, and invalidate my experiences. Because I'm not conventionally attractive, I'm often overlooked, and I have never felt feminine.

Being Black and neurodivergent also adds an interesting layer to everything.

I sound like a "Debbie Downer", my apologies, but I'm struggling a lot. I never felt connected to Black femininity or Black womanhood because of my differences. I know I'll never be the ideal Black woman, but I'd be the first to admit that I've dreamt of having a different life.

As a black person that’s always on the internet ive been feeling so down and depressed. everyday i constantly see racist videos and comments about about blk ppl on TT, YT, and especially TWITTER, even different races like Hispanic,Indian, asian and others are racist towards blk ppl. Its gotten so bad to the point where i dont go outside and i want to just commit suicide to release the stress i have daily basis of being a blk person.

Maybe im just sensitive when it comes to racist jokes, especially from other ethnicities

like Hispanic ppl.

I also hate those that use anime characters to be racist making it seem like “cute” and “edgy”

I've heard from a lot of African American men online that their biggest enemy besides the white man has been the black woman, which has been absolutely ridiculous to me. Who's suffered beside them during slavery, reconstruction lynchings, and Jim Crow? Who's been there to deal with the aftermath of the deconstruction of the black community when we were placed into ghettos, then had drugs implanted into our community like crack and weaponry like guns so that we could harm and kill one another? Who dealt with the aftermath of "rolling stone" fathers that didn't want to stick around for their child, and left the woman to shoulder the weight of raising the children alone?

There's been a lot of efforts by black men to humble black women over my years of witnessing black men's activity on my social media feed. Not to mention the femicide. And the active roles being played by black men to denigrate and erase black women.

Knowing this, it makes me wonder how do they fix their mouths to say that black women being tired of all of this is misandry??..

It's been weighing on my mental health lately getting these sorts of incoming messages. So I can't imagine what it's doing for the younger black women. I don't blame so many of them for developing a "fuck niggas" attitude and just living their lives not caring anymore.

Can’t stand this statement from white liberals. Your white liberals are very quiet about the redistricting in southern states. Very quiet about a dude calling us the n word and he raised over 200k while he’s in jail. Very quiet about black people losing jobs due to the federal government being targeted.

But hey you call it out and you’re being divisive.

The other day this non-black man yelled at me for crossing the street on my bike.

Today this white Karen couple wouldn't move out of the way for me to ride past them on my bike.

Are people more aggressive against black women bike riders or is it just in my head?

I feel like black people don’t unlearn antiblackness properly. Even the wokest people I know are still not unlearning it to a healthy level in my opinion.As much as I hate to say it, one group of people that has helped in unlearning my internalised anti-blackness is white people, funnily enough. Because white people clearly think they are the best thing since sliced bread, and that’s the kind of energy we need for ourselves. We live in a world that praises white people and punishes black people so we really need to go the extra mile if we want to fight against the ever so rampant pro-whiteness and antiblackness in this world. So using white people as a comparison/example, I will be going through some ways I think black people are not unlearning anti-blackness enough.

Beauty

(Female) beauty-wise, I have noticed that white people tended to pride themselves (especially 50+ years ago when their bigotry towards us was more severe) on features that distance themselves visually from other races e.g. blonde hair, blue eyes, light skin, etc - so much so that they felt it would be almost unthinkable to want to be anything else. They saw themselves as better looking than everyone else because nobody else matched that ideal. They celebrated UNambiguous whiteness and demonised anything else that wasn’t. So much so that people who didn’t have these features actually faked them by hair bleaching, eye contacts, etc. I should mention that they also prided themselves SPECIFICALLY on features that distanced themselves from black people. For example, straight hair, small behinds (e.g. in a film it is common to have a woman ask her boyfriend “Does my butt look fat in this?”). Despite the new beauty standards they have of racial ambiguity, I personally believe that for them to see themselves as superior in the way that they do currently, the period in which they celebrated their unambiguous features was essential.

Some examples of features that visually distance black people from other races would be extremely dark skin (like the South Sudanese), extremely coily hair (beyond 4c, like the Khoisan people of South Africa), large bums (although I think this is already the beauty standard for the vast majority of the black community), and wide noses. I think this is what should be in our heads when we think of a beautiful woman by default. This should be what our beauty standard is - not a black woman with Euro-palatable features. I think if a black person is going to beautify their features in some way (makeup, hair, surgery, etc), this should be the direction that they go in. But sadly, this is not the case. Black people aspiring for proximity to white beauty ideals has been a thing since the times of the Atlantic Slave Trade (In the Americas and Caribbeans) and European colonisation (in Africa). Here are some ways that proximity to white ideals is normalised in black communities today:

-Contouring of the nose to make it straight when doing a full face of makeup. Instead of contouring it to be straight, it can be contoured to make the nose bridge flatter. There are YouTube tutorials for this.

-Non-Afro wigs, and goddess braids/locs. I always get pushback for pointing this out especially.. but imo it is very crazy that wearing this is seen as normal in the black community. Think of how a black man looks wearing a straight wig. It looks ridiculous right? Why? Because it’s obviously not his natural texture right? If that is the case, it is therefore the objective truth that women look just as ridiculous wearing those wigs and we have over exposed ourselves to it so much that it just looks normal now. Removing the “goddess” portion of braids, wearing 4c wigs and wearing your own natural hair are ways to remove proximity to whiteness in this instance.

-I don’t know if this is a thing elsewhere but in Africa, the foundation used is always too light. Getting a matching shade or a slightly darker shade of foundation are ways to remove proximity to whiteness in this instance.

-Nose surgery

-Bleaching (more normalised in Africa and the Caribbean)

-Praising light skinned women in songs but not dark skinned ones.

Also, I have noticed that if something becomes culturally influential or trendy, it is because someone that the community looks up to did it first/had that trait, feature. So if a black person does things like contour their nose or wear straight wigs, it is because they subconsciously see white people as people to look up to and emulate. Meaning they do not have the correct subconscious associations with white people. In my opinion, this is caused by the media where there is an overrepresentation of white people and a poor representation of black people.

As a black person, given your experience with racism throughout your whole life and how it has affected you and your community, your subconscious relationship with white people and white beauty ideals should not even be anything close to something to emulate or look up to. The correct associations can be made by learning about the ways white people have subjugated black people, watching black content where proximity to white beauty ideals is not normalised (e.g. African epics) and stopping of any media where white people are portrayed better than black people or any media where white people out-number black people.

History

White people have always made it a point to romanticise Europe and European history. We need to have that same energy for sub-Saharan Africa.

A lot of black communities are fond of pretending they don’t have the ancestry that they have and that is anti-blackness in my opinion. A good example of this is the Hoteps that believe they came from ancient Egypt when they visibly have West African ancestry. As if being West African is something to be ashamed of.

Yes, Africa is poorer than Europe, but there is a lot of good in Africa that is being ignored. Explore African media, watch African epics. Read African biographies. There is so much media available straight from the African continent. White Americans literally give European immigrants special treatment when they come to America but the same cannot be said about Black Americans and African immigrants..

Also, white people are fond of idolising white people who made an impact on the progression of humanity and not giving black people their credit where it’s due in this regard. So I implore you to learn about such individuals through YouTube, reading articles, books, etc.

Media

White people generally do not watch black media. We should have that same mentality as well. We complain and complain that there is barely any good representation of us, that we are painted in a certain light etc etc. and those complaints are valid - which is why we should stop watching any media that we have these complaints about…

Yall, being black, a woman and neurodivergent genuinely feels like going to war everyday. Everyday I have to arm myself and literally expect bullshit to happen… YALL IK IM NOT TRIPPING. You gotta have your hair done and if you don’t have your hair done your hair nappy. You gotta deal with random animosity from your coworkers bc of biases and preconceptions. Then you gotta deal with people literally treating you like shit because of your skin color. It’s like you’re inconvenienced at so many moments in your life. So much racial profiling and so many micro aggressions. What about getting dogged on in your own community by other women, by family, by men for your looks and/or personality if it’s the slightest of bit of distinct. So many things are demanded of you as a black women from different corners that it can feel like being stretched completely thin. Add any economic discrepancies, mental disorders, queerness, featurism, colorism, etc and GURLUH IT GENUINELY FEELS LIKE GOING INSANE SOME DAYS. I have adhd so I’m learning to regulate myself but the emotional toll of it all gets so overwhelming. I pray for my black women/fems/girls EVERYWHERE!!! WE SEE EACH OTHER. 😭😭😭

I tagged NSFW and spoiler. I'm trying to keep away the trolls away because people hate when women speak about our lived experiences. I've lived in places where smile harassment was extreme and I don't know how youthful black women live in those areas because it is even worse towards young or young looking black women. It's not always white people who do it. I can smile all day, but if I'm exhausted from walking and moving all day, I can get mostly random men coming in my face saying *smile* or giving me a nasty comment. I've been told " black women look like bulldogs" and all types of hateful shit because I had a neutral face. It's weird because I'm known to smile, but strangers and ex coworkers have harassed me about it. There's a city in Georgia that was really bad about it when I was there. Not to dox myself, but there's also a city in the midwest that is extremely anti black women. It's so bad we may need to make a cities to avoid list. Women in general are treated like peoples trinkets. Most men I've been around aren't known to smile all day, but women are expected to, and if you're black and youthful you are really expected to. Today I got lost because my phone maps was acting up and I had several errands to run and I was walking all day. I was exhausted and my skin was pale for a dark skin person and face was reddish when I looked in the mirror when I got home. I had a real sweaty in the face look because was tired. When I was 4 streets up from my apartment I heard misogynoir directed at me from across the street. The person who did it looked mixed and maybe a young college student because the area I was in. He said "I hate seeing a black woman" his friend said why? "because they don't smile, I don't like them" and the white man right beside him said "dude you're weird". I don't face it a lot here, like I did in that city in Georgia, but it still pops up in places where it's rarer because it's systemic bigotry towards black women. This has happened so much in my life that I just go home listening to my music while drinking my tea to relax because there's a lot of ignorant people outside.

After I've experienced non-black women in the workforce treating me like garbage, being petty, and down right abusive, I don't want to hear another complaint from them about how men mistreat them. Especially about that glass ceiling crap. They can miss me with it all.

So what if I sound bitter. I have a right to feel how I feel. Now what?!

Those women have driven me out of so many jobs it's not even funny. But have the nerve to turn around and complain when the white man does it to them.

So background, I went from 220lbs to 135lbs over the course of 2 years and it was in large part due to purging. I knew it was wrong but then I started getting attention from women and I started to not only look but feel attractive.

i stopped after a bad break up because I had to focus on recovering but thankfully I haven’t purged since.

It has been a pretty solid 4 years since then but I’ve ballooned back up to 170 and it’s been scary. My girlfriend and I have sex once a month, and tbh I feel like a chore at best and a period at the worst. I started keeping track of frequency and it’s twice a month but I never finish both times because once she is done she’s done.

I have gotten to a point where I just blame myself, where I look in the mirror and think “Why would she want you? Youve put on over 30 pounds since you’ve met.”. I know it’s not true. I know we are just incompatible and she is sexually avoidant. I know that if I marry her things will get worse. I know I’m looking for reasons why I don’t feel loved or important .

I just need to feel attractive you know? like I need to know that I’m not an unlovable blob who can only offer to pay bills.

I’d like to know what you all have done to protect your peace in a toxic workplace? I absolutely love my work and it has changed my life over the past 10 years and fuels my outside passions and adventures, but I’ve found myself so sad at work sometimes and some days it being extremely hard to get up and go to work.

The issues have been a toxic workplace, disconnect between management and subordinates, political clashes, and cliquey personnel. I don’t like to align myself with certain things that don’t speak to who I am as a person and I typically will let my thoughts on topics be known and am open to discussion but I will not argue or try to change someone’s mind, that simply isn’t my job.

My industry isn’t the kind I can change work places very easily, and I’m very happy outside of work so picking up and relocating elsewhere at 34 years old would be difficult, and I really don’t want to leave my hometown.

So Im curious what you all might have to say about how to move forward in a situation where you don’t necessarily want to leave your place of work, or field of work, but have protected your peace?

I've spoken about this here many times before and now I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to get much further with seeing my current white male younger therapist. He thinks just as robotic as the average white male. He says: Have almost zero emotion. Don't care about anything that happens in the world unless it affects you personally. Even if it affects you personally, you should not really care, just let things happen to you, then move on. Don't think about things. Don't be informed about the news. Ignore everything around you. Look straight ahead. Have zero feelings.

I'd say he doesn't even want me to care about the weather, and I'm asthmatic.

No wonders these guys have built the Cybertruck and Waymo cars. Invention without prevention. No rules. No safety. No regulations. Of course, all of those represses innovation. Get things out as fast as possible to make more money. Kill millions along the way. Nobody cares because, ya'know, Money.

I have no intentions to take anymore advice from this guy when it comes to personal responsibility as a human being, a woman, a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, a person with empathy for others.

I love people. I feel that he's one of those types who would not want me trying to help a stranger in need.

I donate to churches and several other organizations because I need to help people where I can, no matter how little I have. I wanted to give back to a church for helping me. He actually wondered why I wanted to do that.

I am autistic. He has helped me understand somewhat about autism, but I think I've got much more going on in my head and heart than he can comprehend.

I am a black woman. I'm old. I have been physically assaulted in a hospital. I have lost countless numbers of family members. I am very much disabled. My life from childhood has been hell. I need someone to stop telling to change and instead understand where I come from and why I am the way I am.

my heart is so heavy rn I wish I could just exist as a person without feeling like ppl will judge me or make assumptions on me just because if my skin colour and the current situation with people being anti immigrant and just grouping us all in, im so exhausted like what’s the point anymore I hate feeling like an outcast or always feeling weary when I’m outside in case someone randomly starts being racist im really trying to not take it in but when reality hits u just feel helpless, not only do we fight against racism but we have to deal with colorism, diaspora wars, texturism etc.. like I just feel like dying, I’ve had enough

Exactly seven years ago today, I graduated high school with a 3.6 GPA. Additionally, it was the last thing I ever did in my life, the last time I've ever been worth a damn. Ever since then, I've just been an absolute loser. Went to college just to flunk out.

Did nothing of value during the pandemic. Became homeless for the first time in 2021 for two months. Worked at a dead end retail job for three years, during which I became homeless again for two weeks. Left that job to work a new job just for said new job to go under, so I became homeless again for five months. Was able to find a program to help me with housing, but couldnt find a decent enough job to build savings. Eventually left the program, and now I've currently been homeless for almost seven months.

My life has been constant failure and disappointment. I am a failure and a loser and I have myself to blame for all of my shortcomings. Nowadays, its hard for me to even take care of myself. Can't wash myself without raising suspicion. Can't buy food or new clothes. Every shelter I've been to I've left within two weeks because the environment completely overwhelms me and spikes my anxiety.

There's nothing for me anymore. I can't get out of this. There's nothing I can do in my life anymore.

I’m a Black woman, so I’m not sure if this affects Black men as well, but I hate when I’m just being my normal self and it’s interpreted as me being rude.

If a white woman is shy and quiet, it’s cute. A Black woman, though? You’re just automatically clocked as being a b****.

And I hate when someone actually takes the time to get to know me and then they’re like “I always thought you were mean”, like HUH? Because I was keeping to myself?

This is something I’ve dealt with my whole life and I hate being perceived. I feel like I could’ve made some cool friends if they actually gave me a chance. And I honestly think that might be why I feel so depressed all of the time.

On another note, I made a Discord group for anyone that just wanna come and talk about random stuff or real life crap without outsiders being able to peek in on it. I won’t post the link here just in case it’s against the rules, but feel free to message me on here and I’ll send it to you!

Mine was when I went into a store after school with my white friend in an expensive neighborhood and the employee kept following only me around the aisles the whole time. The second we split up, he stopped pretending to organize shelves and literally just stood near wherever I walked. Didn’t say anything directly, but I could feel it immediately. Eventually it got so uncomfortable that I just left without buying anything.

GODDAMMIT. I FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT. I should've went to a HBCU instead of this fucking trade-based PWI. What the fuck was I thinking? Trades are already filled with backwards racist rednecks and white people. And a PWI on top of it is just the fat cherries on top of this shit cake. The worst part is all I can do is just report is a Dorm Counselor who I KNOW FOR A FUCKING FACT won't stop it, nor put an end to it.

I can't even fight them, because I would get kicked out of the school, and this place is my last lifeline. Sometimes, I wish assault wasn't illegal because there are people who desperately NEED some belt-to-ass to set them straight.

Sometimes, I think I hate being black. Then, I realize... I hate being Black because of the stupid ass world we live in. It's not the blackness, it's everyone else.

1 year. 1 year. Just gotta last 1 year.