u/MajorRobology

So pretty much just the title says I'm trying to work on being a better person. More specifically I'm trying to work on being a less negative and pessimistic person.

I want to be able to do this because I have been like this before, back when I was in high school and to a lesser extent college. Nowadays, really ever since I started my early 20s, I feel like I've been less happy and more toxic in life. Mostly in high stress situations, I guess I just have an issue of lashing out and freaking out whatever my emotions are high. Which in and of itself is an issue because I feel like my emotions are constantly sensitive and elevated. It's resulting in me just becoming way less approachable and amicable that I was in my teen years.

Maybe this has to do with me being officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but the thing is I am talking to a therapist and soon I'll be back on meds after speaking to a psychiatrist so that's something at least. Unfortunately though stuff like therapy and medicine (for now at least) aren't really readily available for when I need it. And I feel like I need it most when my mind starts to go crazy and resort to being a pessimistic, hopeless, "oh woe is me" individual that I have become.

A lot of people however are able to cope with these feelings or get rid of them entirely and I want to start working towards eliminating those negative feelings. I don't want to always have to resort to being the way I am whenever things get tough for stressful or when I'm facing a challenging situation (my Reddit history, as much as I hate to admit, can attest to this). So I guess the question that I'm asking is how can I combat these thoughts? How can I focus on being less toxic and pessimistic whenever I'm faced with some sort of difficulty or adversity and not resort to lashing out about my problems every single day?

I've been sleeping outside for the vast majority of the past 11 months due to homelessness and man it is just so tiring at this point. The city I live in was recently hit with some nasty weather due to a hurricane passing by, no severe damage or anything but last night it was very cold and very rainy. All my belongings are soaked and I have been shivering all day. Plus a lot of parks and libraries are closed due to this inclement weather so I can't even go anywhere right now or have a space to work on stuff like sending in dozens and dozens of more job applications and stuff.

I'm just exhausted. I don't know anymore, with the winter coming up I'm not even expecting to survive much longer but I have been working with my therapist and psychiatrist on coming up with a care plan for myself as well as getting myself medicated and evaluated for mental illnesses that I may or may not have.

You could say I could just go live in a shelter but it's a no-go. I've been in two different shelters and the environment is just so hectic and chaotic that I end up getting a panic attack and hospitalized to a crisis stabilization unit afterwards.

I'm just really tired of this lifestyle. I'm tired of sleeping outside, not working, not having a roof over my head. Life has just been so boring, so monotonous and unfun. But considering that winter is coming soon, is a high chance that I won't have to worry about sleeping outside anymore considering that last night was super cold and I kept shivering, I won't stand a chance during the winter.

So, the southern US is going to be hit by a pretty nasty hurricane this weekend and we named it hurricane Isaias. This hurricane is expected to do some pretty nasty damage to us, even where I'm at despite my city not being in the direct path of said hurricane. Still, people are pretty much bracing for impact and preparing for the worst. Even right now, I've heard so many fire trucks and ambulances go off that I'm starting to wonder if we're already about to experience some damage.

The issue, however, is that I am homeless. As in out on the street homeless. I sleep outside every night and have done so since November of last year. So I'm kind of in a situation where I am very vulnerable to this hurricane and if damage is bad enough and the storm is strong enough, I'll likely die from it. It's already pretty cold out here. The library that I go to ended up closing early and will be closed tomorrow as well due to the inclement weather. I'm going to be right outside during this hurricane, it's even supposed to rain like hell tonight apparently. Not only tonight but this weekend is supposed to be really rainy.

I am totally anticipating and to an extent expecting to pass away this weekend to the hurricane. Honestly? I'm surprisingly not that bothered by it. You would think that I would, considering that being out in the middle of a hurricane is really dangerous but to be honest I haven't been happy in life since 2019 back when I was in high school. Had a lot going for me back then but all the sudden my mom passed away from an out of nowhere heart attack and my wife has just fallen apart since. I've gone through so much mental turmoil in the past 7 and 1/2 years that honestly I'm not too upset about potentially die due to the fact that if it happens then I'll finally be free from all of this despair and depression.

I've been hurting for so long a lot of people won't understand and will probably never understand, but when you're like me and have no purpose in life then it's hard to really be happy with life at all. And if what happens ends up happening then I won't have to worry about that anymore. It'll be a relief. And I think it helps typing this out so that I can process my emotions and mentally prepare myself.

It's currently around midnight at the time of me riding this and my emotions are really high right now. Today was not as good of a day as I thought it would be.

For starters, it rained so that wasn't too enjoyable. This wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't homeless but I am and I have been for 11 months so it's a big deal. Then I came to find out that some of my clothes are torn and have holes so I got to find new clothes to wear pretty quickly so that I could still look at least somewhat presentable. Then I've been thinking about a lot of stuff that's happened in my past and all that has just been really getting to me.

Today was a very emotional day for me, a very bad day and I feel completely stuck. Other than a therapy appointment and a couple days, I feel like I don't really have anything to look forward to. Also, I've had to deal with some people who acted in bad faith today and having to interact with those people really messed me up mentally so I really have plans to just cry myself to sleep on this park bench. But before I do that, I wanted to see if I could have a quick chat with a couple of people who aren't scammers or potential human traffickers and are willing to converse with me for a short while.

Don't be a jerk if you plan to reach out and don't be a minor either, I won't talk to minors.

I made a mistake today by going on to ChatGPT for venting. I just spent the past 3 hours applying to dozens and dozens of jobs. After those 3 hours, I decided to step away because it started to get a bit exhausting and overwhelming for me. The reason why it was overwhelming is because of the fact that I'm applying to all these different places and there's a strong guarantee that I won't even be selected at any of them to work at. Which absolutely sucks.

Combine that with all the stuff that I have going on personally, I started feeling hopeless so I resorted to ChatGPT since I really needed someone to talk to. Even if said someone doesn't exist. So that's what I did, I started talking to chat GPT and I continued the talk by asking for any potential solutions to my issues. Wow the chatbot was able to answer, the answers just weren't what I was looking for. So I continued trying to just vent and trauma dump but it got to a point where the chatbot started regurgitating the same responses, and it frustrated me to the point of lashing out. Ironically despite venting my frustrations about my personal issues, I somehow feel worse now than how I felt a little while ago.

So I guess the moral of this little story for me is to talk to someone who actually exists and not just a computer program. I admit that this would have been avoided if I were in therapy, but I already have a therapy session booked next week so all I can really do is wait. But yeah now I just feel worse about myself and it hurts to feel this way.

TL;DR - I got frustrated and my emotions started flaring up so instead of talking to a real human being I made myself feel even worse by talking to AI.

So today is the 2nd of October, 2026. My mom passed away on April 2019 and ever since then my life pretty much went in a downward spiral. Flunked out of college, developed depression and anxiety, separated from toxic family to think that I am responsible for my mom's death due to her developing heart issues after I was born, etc.

The biggest screw up for me is that since 2021 I've been home with multiple times. Currently I have been homeless since November 2025 and my life is at an all-time low. What's worse is that next month is my mom's birthday, and I feel like a complete failure by being at this all time low. I went from graduating high school with honors and making progress towards my bachelor's degree to going crazy and digging through trash just to find food.

But in light of this, I've decided to use my mom's upcoming birthday as a deadline to get some goals accomplished. Some of these goals include getting therapeutic and psychiatric help, getting a job or at the very least accepting a job offer, and finishing this book that I'm reading called "Start With Why" by Simon Sinek.

After crying about the state of my life and crying over my mom's birthday coming up, I've decided to make these goals. I have until my mom's birthday to accomplish as many of these goals as possible. A personal challenge for myself that I hope to hold myself accountable to and complete.

Living like this is so hard. Being depressed, anxious, hopeless, and hungry is hard to deal with and hard to live with. Honestly I don't know if I'll even be able to accomplish these goals. But at the same time, I figured why not? Is it chance I'm nearing the end of my life anyway (due to winter) so what do I have to lose?

I don't know man. I pretty much just did it. It didn't hurt, nor does it currently hurt, but a couple of days ago I kinda just went nuts and did it.

I was supposed to go to therapy then for a walk-in, but when I got there I was told that I couldn't do it because their system was down and they couldn't fill me in for a time, so I kinda just lost it because I spent HOURS walking almost 10 miles (15 km) getting there. To know that I 1) wasted my time and 2) failed to get therapy again, honestly pushed me over the edge.

I've been trying to get help for a while. I've been homeless for almost a year. I've been trying to set up appointments for therapy/psychiatric help for over three months now. Every time I call I would get hung up on or put on indefinite hold. Then I finally got an answer and was told to come to a walk-in session, only for me to fail and get denied.

And that was what led me to self harm again for the first time in a few weeks. A part of me knew that a relapse was gonna happen at some point, I just didn't think it would be like this.

Why is depression so fucking debilitating. Fucking hate it I'm so tired of this shit. And no, I'm not faking it. I have an official diagnoses for Major Depressive Disorder. I can't help it.

Yesterday I had a surprisingly good day and was in somewhat good spirits. Now today I feel like everything was just undone and now I'm even worse now. And the reason is because my life is FUCKED.

I've been homeless for almost a year and we're approaching winter time where I'll likely freeze to death. I gotta walk 12 miles on Monday to get into a therapy appointment. I gotta dig through trash for shit and it is embarrassing. I'm functioning on three to four hours MAX of sleep a day. My overall appearance is fucked. I have a job interview on Tuesday that I'll probably get rejected from anyway since I get rejected from everything.

I am SCREWED. I have no friends. My family doesn't want shit to do with me. My sanity is long gone and irreparable. I can't take care of my mental health. I can't even take care of myself anymore. Yesterday was a rare distraction but today I'm back to reality.

Man when you get a good day it is such an amazing feeling. I started off by waking up and pretty much decided to call my local therapy clinic to make an appointment, something that I am normally bad at committing to. Had a very pleasant 8 minute call with the receptionist and I was able to not only schedule an appointment but be told that I could also do a walk-in appointment next week. Considering that I've been trying to get back into therapy lately, this is a huge win for myself because I feel like I'll finally be able to start working towards myself and giving myself grace and all that.

Additionally, I applied to a resort job a couple days ago and the recruiter reached out to me to set up an interview next week! Normally when I apply for a job I'm lucky if I even get an invitation to an interview and even then it takes a bare minimum a week or a few weeks. To hear back within a couple days is pretty exciting. And the best part is that it's a phone interview too so I won't have to stress so much about maintaining an appearance and all that. Since I am homeless, this could be a game changer for me because if I get accepted they have employee housing that I could stay in for the duration of the contract, and that means I could aggressively save my money while working as many hours as I possibly can.

Finally, I was digging through some trash to find something to eat, and I found it mostly uneven sandwich which is nice. Normally I don't really find much but to have this good of a find is awesome. When you're homeless you usually get what you find and hope for the best but today was pretty nice to me which is awesome.

It's not even noon yet and my day is off to an amazing start. And on a Friday too? And the weather is finally getting cooler? I feel like I can't stop winning today.

Well my day just started and it's already all made that note. I normally wake up at around 6:00 a.m. but I had to be woken up 2 hours early because it started pouring down raining. So now I'm pretty much soaked in rainwater. Currently, I'm sitting on the porch of a coffee shop and I don't know how long I'll be allowed to stay here until they ask me to leave. I'll be completely real, the past week has been pretty awful for me. Right now, I'm just at a very low point and due to the upcoming colder temperatures and winter season, I've accepted that I only have a few months left to live at this point.

But man it is so mentally painful for me right now. Honestly I just wish the event to someone right now. I mix of a positive event and a negative then, I just want to look back at the times when my life wasn't this horrible and talked about some of my interest and stuff, not just what led to my massive downfall and upcoming death.

So like a mixed vent with both positive things and negative things.

Well... i messed up last week and it'll probably cost me my life. Last week I had an appointment with this behavioral health center to get a mental health evaluation as well as a therapist, psychiatrist, and case management. This would have been a huge step for me because I have been homeless since November of last year and with winter approaching I know that I will not survive if I stay out here.

So I went in hoping that I could get some help and complete my intake but all I did really was stand in the office for almost 3 hours. Intake never got finished because I just walked out because I started panicking and losing hope that I would get help so I just walked away. What makes this even worse is that the day before, I was scheduled to go to intake but I showed up late because the bus I had to take to get to the facility never showed up so I was late and couldn't do the appointment. Now I show up on time and early, and after almost 3 hours of waiting I just walk out. Yeah. I generally don't know what's wrong with me.

Considering all the stuff that I went through the past year, this was quite possibly my last shot at getting out of this situation. Once again, I sabotage myself and ruin any chance I have of escaping homelessness. I would like to believe that my depression and overall lack of care for myself it's what's causing me to self-sabotage so much, especially since lately I've been more and more accepting of the likelihood of me dying in the next few months. I've been on the craziest decline in the past seven and a half years. My mom dying, flunking out of college, being neglected and ostracized by my extended family, I've been thinking about it lately and honestly even if I do somehow find a way out of the situation, what then?

I have no confidence in myself anymore and I'm just going to relapse over and over again. Like I said, things went downhill with my mom pass. College was supposed to be a new, fresh start but I relapsed and flunked out. Then I moved in with my dearly departed dad for a year and saved up enough to rent a room inside of a house. That is until I relapsed and got kicked out. Then I got into an apartment after 5 months of being homeless only to relapse a year later and get kicked out. Now I've been out on the streets for almost a year and I'm just not convinced that I can pull through. And with winter being winter, it's going to get cold and it's going to get harder for me to sustain myself. Which is why I genuinely believe in am accepting of the fact that this winter will most likely be my last.

But at this point, it's whatever. Wish I could have done more in the 25 years that I've spent here but I don't get the rights to wish when I have willingly done nothing in my life of Worth or meaning in the past 7 and 1/2 years.

Just as the title implies, I just have nothing in my life to really live for. My life has been pretty bad since 2019 when I lost my mom at age 17. I'm currently 25. So much has happened in my life: went to college that I flunked out of, lived with my dad for a bit and helped him around the house, temporarily worked a kinda-sorta social work job that I really enjoyed and built a strong camaraderie with my coworkers, which was especially nice since this was my next job after working in retail for 3 years.

Fast forward to now. I'm homeless. I have Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I have no friends. I spent my days submitting job applications while reading rejection letters of previously submitted applications, doomscrolling Reddit, constantly venting my frustrations of my life, and digging through trash cans for food.

The truth is, I just don't have anything to live for. My mom is dead. My extended family is toxic. My father is missing. I don't work with my old coworkers anymore. Both of my dream careers are pretty much impossible to get into. Can't work in computer science, the industry is oversaturated to hell. Can't work in teaching, my mental health has been completely destroyed at this point. There's just nothing for me. There's just no reason for anything, you know?

A lot of you guys have something that keeps you going. Passion for your work, love for other people, whatever that may be. But I just have... nothing. I have no passion for anything. I have no loved ones in my life anymore. I just have nothing to look forward to. Nothing good at least. Or maybe that's not entirely true, because I look forward to finding some edible, somewhat decent food in the trash. I also look forward to the occasional chilly weather we get where I live. Gray clouds, windy, but not raining, maybe a bit of thunder, it's a good feeling. But other than that, I have nothing to look forward to. Everyone has their "why?", and I haven't had a "why?" in a very long time. And honestly, I don't think I even have a "why" anymore. Just the question mark.

To keep things concise, ive done some things recently that made me ultimately realize that I am not a good person at all, but rather the opposite. I'm a bad person. A selfish person with deteriorating mental health and other negative traits. Due to reasons, I refuse to take action to better myself because it's a lot easier to just take in the negative thoughts and opinions from myself and others and allow them to fester in my mind. Like I said I am not a good guy and I am self aware enough to realize that. But how do I learn to deal with this meeting? To cope about this one part of my personality.

Oh and just an fyi bc this sounds bad out of content: I don't do anything illegal or morally deplorable. Just being petty and a dickhead.

I am not seeking assurance, validation, or anything like that. I want to know how to deal while feeling low.

Keeping it short and simple. Today a cleaner at the park I go to asked me if I use body powder. I said yes. He told me that I need to clean after myself. I said okay. End of conversation. Then my intrusive thoughts took over and a complained about it online, garnering a lot of comments talking about how much of an entitled pig I am.

What they don't know, however, is that I don't believe in half the stuff I said. I know I'm in the wrong. I know I should have cleaned up. But to be honest if I came across as if I didn't then I would get a bunch of negative comments and so I did. I'm an insensitive grown ass man who acts like a baby when being told to be considerate. Hundreds of replies too.

So now the plan is to let these negative reactions and names fester into my mind so I can finally be pushed to the edge and kill myself. I already tried once, weeks ago. And it failed. I will make sure I won't fail this time.

So, I'll be completely honest, I am kinda notorious on Reddit for constantly complaining about me being depressed and anxious and homeless and without any friends or family, and someone actually messed me from what I assume is from one of the posts.

The dude talks to me and says he wanted to help me out, which is weird because I wasn't sure what he was talking about. The dude seemed to intentionally use vague language and wording throughout the conversation, but I didn't think of anything about it because at the time I was mentally spiraling and all that. Then he tells me, and I quote, "I can help you with any of your bills and I just want you to stop talking me once you receive my money".

So I have a bit of a red flag waving mentally, because for one no one DMs anyone saying "hey I want to give you money", and the way he worded his sentences were suspect too, though I tried to write it off as ESL. Additionally, stop talking to me once you receive the money? My initial thought was "is he suicidal?", but he could also potentially be scamming me, but I went on with the convo like an idiot.

I then asked him how he would send the money, if it would be PayPal or CashApp or Venmo or whatever, but then he says that his bank doesn't allow him to pay through third party apps anymore. Looking back at this, I should've caught on to his ruse and blocked him. And I feel like a genuine idiot for continuing to entertain the conversation, but since I wasn't in my right mind at the time, I continued it anyway.

He talks about how he's gonna send my a paycheck and all that and that I have to make the payment myself and how he's gonna add me to his payroll and I STILL don't know how I didn't catch on to all of this. I was REALLY down during this conversation, ugh. And the crazy thing about this thing is is that the thing that made me give up and drop the conversation is when he said he needed to talk to his "account officer" to set up the payment. Who the hell says account officer? I stopped talking afterwards. I even had to ask to make sure that this was a scam because a part of me deep down really didn't want it to be, but it was and I nearly fell for it.

Looking back at it, like I said, it was obvious from the first couple of messages. I should have caught it sooner and ended the conversation quicker, I feel embarrassed that I dragged the conversation on for as long as I did, but like I said, I was desperate at the time. It's hard to think about it because I feel absolutely stupid and dumb for this, despite the fact that this happened a couple of days ago and that you would think that I would be over it by now, but it's haunting my mind.

TL;DR – I nearly fell for an obvious check scam online and I feel stupid for it.

This is actually something that happened a couple of days ago, but I regret it so much I'm posting it here. I have a habit of constantly venting and complaining about a lot of my issues: being depressed, having no non-toxic family members, no friends, homeless, out of college, etc. Someone actually messaged me from what I assume is from one of the posts.

The dude talks to me and says he wanted to help me out, which is weird because I wasn't sure what he was talking about. The dude seemed to intentionally use vague language and wording throughout the conversation, but I didn't think of anything about it because I was mentally spiraling at that time. Then he tells me that he can help me with any bills I have and that I stop talking to him once I receive the "money".

Yeah, the red flags are waving in my brain but I continued the conversation. I then asked how I would get it and proposed Cashapp, but he then told me that his bank won't let him pay through third party apps. Looking back on this, this should have been super obvious that I was getting played, but I went on with the convo like an idiot.

The straw that broke the camel's back, however, was when he told me that he always going to consult his "account officer"... what? What the hell is an account officer? That ended up being a giveaway that he is trying to scam me. I even asked some others if this was a scam or not, and nearly everyone said it was, some people mocking me for not even catching on to it. Which makes sense because it was so obvious.

I'm just embarrassed that I nearly got scammed. I should have caught it sooner and ended the conversation quicker. I feel embarrassed because I didn't catch on to it. I am so embarrassed. I was desperate. It's hard to think about it honestly. I feel stupid for this despite the fact that this happened a couple of days ago and that you would think that I would be over it by now, but it's haunting my mind.

TL;DR: I nearly fell for a check fraud scam online because I was too desperate and stupid, and I feel very embarrassed that I let it go as far as it did.

My mom passed away 7 years ago, right before I graduated high school. A lot of things have happened since, including me flunking out of college and becoming homeless. I can't even look at her and enjoy the memories I had with her. All I can do is look back in guilt and shame. Shame that I didn't graduate college. Shame that I've been homeless for so long. Shame that my life is so pathetic.

Now that I've seen the picture I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. I failed as a son. I failed as a man. I failed as a person. I failed.

My mom passed away from a heart attack when I was 17, i am 25 now. I saw a picture of a giant pin with my mom's face on it. And it messed me up because I miss my mom. I wish I had made her proud but I didn't. She wanted me to go to college and graduate, I was so depressed I didn't even graduate. I'm homeless and useless. I'm supposed to be chasing job opportunities and my dreams. Instead I'm chasing food by dumpster diving and digging through trash. I have to sleep outside with bugs biting on my legs.

I failed her and it's all my fault. I'm ready to join her at this point. I tried a few weeks ago and failed and I don't plan on failing. I just need someone to talk to because this pain is too much