r/MMFB

My life right now feels like a dead end. There’s nothing for me to do anymore, and there never was, I wasn’t meant to go this far.

That’s what is in my head, not all the time but whenever I allow myself to think, I basically turn off my head all day, I barely think about anything.. like I am just an empty shell.

I am stuck, I am scared to do anything, I can’t do anything. All I do is sit home all day, rotting. So right now it’s almost 4 am (because my sleep schedule is ducked up as well) and I am writing this, before I was just laying here thinking about writing it, but no one will know I wrote this so I actually did write it here.

I think about what if everything went differently I’m scared all the time and I wish I wasn’t. It would be so easy if I wasn’t scared…

My life is weird, I was growing up normal, or somewhat normal, until school started, I was excited.. but I soon wasn’t anymore, I had a stomach ache *everyday* before school, I didn’t want to be there, I don’t know what’s wrong with me I wasn’t even bullied, or maybe I was but my head let me erase that memory.. but it only got worse form then, I went to middle school people weren’t nice there, they were assholes like actually, but I wasn’t bullied. I was just uncomfortable around them, so I started not going to school anymore.. it got worse and worse and I was more scared to go every time my parents didn’t let me stay home. They also found out I was really quiet, my teacher assumed they know but at home I was a normal teenager talking laughing and all that, but there I was alone, quiet and ‚sad‘ they immediately went to an therapist with me. I didn’t understand back then. The therapist said I have ‚mutism‘ and sent me into a mental hospital as soon as possible..(I am sorry if this is messy or too much information to read I don’t even know if anyone is going to read this anyway) so I was at the mental hospital, and it was the worst time of my life, they’d force me to do stuff or else they took my phone time that was only an hour per day, this may seem dramatic but it was the worst, you have to imagine I didn’t have any friends irl, just on my phone. I was almost dependent on it, but I wasn’t able to do the task they had given me, at some point they said if I don’t do what they say they wanted to take the right away to see my parents on weekends, happily my mom stopped it at that point.. but this was horrible, I was only 11. so since then, my life was broken, I didn’t go to school and I didn’t do anything else either… all I was doing was stay at home, play games and really badly fail to make friends online, still somehow depended on the online world (discord) I’ve mostly been active in „make friends“ discord servers, but not in the way where i type in general chat but i just posted an introduction in „intro“ channels and then people messaged me, and I’d also message other people, these friendships never lasted long, even though sometimes they turned into a relationship, that would end me up horribly hurt and question what the hell is wrong with me… I was just too clingy and attached to them and also a bit obsessive I think? then i was 18 and I am afraid of any small thing, I’m afraid to go outside alone, I’m afraid to work somewhere, I’m afraid to try going to school again and obviously I am afraid of ever going to a mental hospital again, but I don’t know what I can do, I can’t get any courage and my mom is slowly getting tired of me just being at home and not doing anything outside of home, I don’t know what to do.

Well, I made this a few years back, I’m not 18 anymore so i slightly edited it, I’m 21 now and it’s still very very similar, the irl life part is pretty much still like this, though i am happy to say I’ve made some friends that actually are friends and aren’t just from random „make friends“ servers I made most of them from a certain minecraft community, I have so many I even have my own discord server with over 40 people I am really happy I discovered this community, I also have heavy social anxiety if I didn‘t mention this before, this community helped me greatly to improve it at least online, my friends are really supportive and two friends are even asking me to move in with them in the future (I’m obviously way too scared yet again)

Anyway, deep down I also know irl it can’t go on like this, at least I don’t feel like I want to die anymore at this point because of the friends I’ve made and the joy I live through everyday being able to spend time with them. I’ve written this roughly 3 years ago, but I never actually published it anywhere, so now I think I’m going to post it on Reddit, if I did, well you’ll know.

This got longer than expected, but.. it’s my thoughts. I don’t care if anyone reads it or no one does, I’m happy that I was able to put my thoughts into whole words and sentences even if it is a bit messy, and so long.

So, maybe could I get some advise?

There have been some horrible news stories which have triggered me particularly. One I cannot even repeat and another where a man was mauled to death by a tiger in Yorkshire zoo. It’s possible but not confirmed there were either learning difficulties or mental illness that made him jump in the enclosure. My big upset is the overall reaction to his death. People celebrating, calling him an idiot, Darwin Award, praying the tiger doesn’t get shot. Overall a real lack of compassion for a man who died horribly and an evident care for a tiger over a human being.

I don’t know the point of this post but I just feel alone in this low mood I’ve been put in

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i started hating my birthday because for some reason bad things or traumatic events happened to me on or around my birthday for the last 2 or 3 birthdays ive had. so now i just associate my birthday with these bad events and its really hard to enjoy my day if all i can rmb is all these terrible things. i rmb last year a few days after my birthday my parents got really mad at me and i was down the whole day, although we were meant to go out and have my birthday dinner on the same day. they tried to cheer me up bcs they felt bad but it was such a bittersweet, fake sort of comfort. it doesnt help that ive been struggling with my mental health for years, and every time it comes round the time when its my birthday i get awfully depressed. does anyone have any advice, or anyone relate?(16F)

What could help

I've wanted to share my story for a long time, but I kept hesitating because I didn't know how to explain everything. But here goes nothing.

Four years ago, everything started changing. We suddenly moved to my grandma's house and stayed there for a while. During that time, I overheard my mom talking about getting divorced. I also heard some other things I didn't understand. Later, my other grandma came over to talk to my mom about everything.

Thankfully, they didn't get divorced. But then my dad travelled, and he still hasn't come back.

Since then, we've had a lot of money problems, and things keep getting worse. I once overheard my family talking about some people who were after us. I also heard that my grandpa had gone to jail. Sometimes, people come knocking on our door, but my mom refuses to open it. She tells all of us to stay quiet until they leave.

There's clearly something going on that I don't understand, and not knowing what's happening makes everything even more stressful.

My mom has been under so much stress lately. Her hair used to be thick, but now so much of it has fallen out that you can see her scalp. Her eyes are always swollen, probably because she's been crying. Sometimes, we can't even afford basic things we need. My mom has even sold all her gold.

Seeing her like this hurts so much. I know she's going through a lot, but I don't know how to help her. She's already dealing with so many problems, and I don't want to make things harder for her.

Things got even worse when I had to leave my old school.

I'd been there for nine years. It wasn't just a school to me. It was a place where I had my friends, my favourite teachers, and so many memories.

But the school fees became too expensive, and they even required an iPad. In the end, I had no choice but to leave.

Leaving was really hard for me because I'm an introvert. It took me a long time to get comfortable with my old friends, but I had finally found people I could be myself around.

And then I lost all of that.

Now, I'm in my first year at a new school, and honestly, it feels like hell. I often feel left out, and I barely talk to anyone. Sometimes, I think it's better that way because at least I won't spend the whole night overthinking every single thing I said.

But the truth is, I'm lonely.

I miss my old friends. I miss my favourite teachers. I miss the feeling of being somewhere familiar, where I didn't have to worry so much about what people thought of me.

I never thought leaving a school could hurt this much.

I hate how my life has turned out, and I cry almost every night.

The worst part is that nobody knows how broken I feel inside. I'm really good at hiding my feelings, so people probably think I'm fine. They don't see what happens when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I'm always stressed, and sometimes I have anxiety attacks. I struggle with really bad anxiety, and I'm insecure about almost everything: my body, my face, my looks, my voice, my personality, my style, and so many other things.

It's exhausting to feel this way about yourself while also dealing with so many problems at home.

Lately, my hair has been falling out a lot, too. I've been losing weight, my appetite is really low, and I often feel weak. I have anemia, and things have been getting worse. I haven't had my period in four months now, and I don't even know what's happening to me anymore. I feel like something is wrong with my body, but I don't know what it is.

My chest keeps hurting, and sometimes my side hurts, too. I'm always lightheaded, and sometimes I feel like I'm about to faint. It's scary because I don't understand why all these things are happening to me. I don't know if it's because of my anemia, stress, or something else, but I know that I haven't been feeling like myself lately.

Sometimes, it feels like all the stress I've been carrying inside is starting to affect my body, too. I'm already struggling mentally, and now I have to worry about my physical health as well.

I've thought about ending my life so many times. But then I think about the people who might be sad if I were gone, even though sometimes I wonder if anyone would really care that much.

I'm also Muslim, and I know that taking my own life is forbidden in my religion. The thought of losing my peace in the afterlife, too, frightens me.

I don't want my story to end like that. I just want things to get better. I want to be happy again without having to pretend that I am.

One thing I really wish for is to have someone who notices that I'm not okay.

Someone who sees that I'm hurting, even when I don't say anything. Someone who listens to me, understands me, and stays by my side instead of leaving me to deal with everything alone.

I don't need someone to fix all my problems. I just want someone who cares enough to listen and make me feel like I'm not alone.

Recently, one of my old friends sent me a screenshot of her test results showing that she has severe stress and anxiety. I felt really bad for her because I know how hard it is to deal with those feelings.

But at the same time, hearing about her problems adds to the stress I'm already dealing with. I feel guilty for saying that because I care about her, and I don't want her to suffer. It's just hard to support someone else when I'm struggling so much myself.

Another one of my friends often talks to me about how much she misses her dad. He passed away, and I feel so sorry for her. I can't imagine how painful it must be to lose a parent forever.

But whenever she talks about him, it reminds me of my own dad, too.

My dad is still alive, but I haven't seen him in four years. I know our situations aren't the same, and I'm not saying that missing my dad is the same as losing a parent forever.

But I still miss him so much.

Four years is a really long time. Sometimes, I wonder how much he's changed, whether he misses us, and when I'll finally get to see him again.

I miss having my dad around. I miss knowing that he's there.

And the hardest part is that I don't know when I'll see him again or whether things will ever go back to the way they used to be.

Four years of family problems. Four years of money problems. Four years of worrying about things I don't even understand. Four years without seeing my dad.

And during all that time, I've been struggling, too.

I'm tired of pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. I'm tired of crying alone, hiding my anxiety, and acting like I can handle everything by myself.

I know my mom is struggling. I know my friends have their own problems, too, and I don't blame them for that.

But sometimes, I wish someone would remember that I'm struggling, too.

I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved. I want to stop worrying about what might happen next.

I just want someone to understand that I'm not being dramatic or ungrateful. I'm just someone who's been dealing with so much for so long that I don't know how to handle it anymore.

I'm still trying to understand what's happening to my family, why everything has changed, and how I'm supposed to keep going when everything feels so difficult.

I don't know what will happen in the future. I don't know when things will get better.

I'm just tired of feeling this way.

I'm tired of being strong when I don't feel strong at all.

And sometimes, I wish someone would notice how much I'm hurting without me having to explain everything first.

Im tired of everything i wake up to the same stuff i have no friends, no talent, and no passion for anything i feel like everything is falling apart around me only to think about relationships that i could've had i don't think i see a way out for me. Everytime i think something is going to be better i get hit by a storm or some stupid crap that i feel like i can't recover from sometimes i wish i had a good friend that would stick with me or someone that actually could get me im just done everything seems so meaningless i hate myself.

I wouldn't usually post something like this. My girlfriend of 5 months (I know it's not a lot) just broke up with me. She said she loves me and wanted to make this work but she just can't be in a relationship right now (she's really busy trying to get into college for art) and I'm just- I feel so gutted. I can't believe this is actually happening. I have never felt as safe with anyone as I do with her, we were friends for 3 years before we started dating and our bond was just so strong. We wanted the same things in our future but have been having trouble communicating recently. And then one night I told her I've been struggling with her lack of expressing affection and she ended up just telling me she doesn't think she can support me well. I have so many things I had planned for us and I can't believe I might never get to see her again. We were truly in love with each other and I am just so heartbroken.