Defeated
I don't really post on Reddit but it's been a really rough few months and other than my amazing partner, I don't really have anyone that I can talk to and I don't want to stress him out even more right now. So I'm just throwing my thoughts out into the world.
I (30f) am a director at a museum in a major city, and despite the fact that I've worked there longer than any other staff member, I make over $25k less than the three other directors (all older white men). I barely make more than when I started as a supervisor four years ago, but my boss won't negotiate my salary with me because we're a small organization with a supposedly limited budget. It bothers me even on a good day because for the last few years, my fiancée and I haven't even been able to scrape by just paying for rent, bills, groceries, car problems, and medical bills for when I was hospitalized with sepsis last year. We've both been applying and interviewing for better paying jobs, but it's been rough.
But I think today broke me. My fiancée has been putting off going to the dentist for a few years because he was worried about how much it would cost. That turned into a dental emergency this morning that required a tooth extraction. Before they started the procedure, they explained that we would have to pay for whatever the insurance didn't cover that same day, and asked him what pain management methods we were willing and able to pay for.
My sweet, sweet partner who deserves the entire world and more asked the dentist if he could do it without anything to numb the pain so that it would cost less. I started crying in the office and told them that we would try to pay for whatever would make him the most comfortable, even though he kept insisting on trying to do it without anything. He ended up having to get a topical anesthesia that wore off near the end because that was the only option we had enough money to pay for. Even that means that we won't be able to make rent this month.
I am a director at one of the largest museums in our major city, and I couldn't even afford to give my partner the comfortable care that he deserves during a medical emergency. We both work so hard. We have both been at our very understaffed jobs longer than anyone else we work with. We don't do anything extravagant. We pay our bills and groceries and constant unexpected emergencies, and we go home and sleep because we are so exhausted and defeated with how things have been the last few years. The only good thing we have is each other. And I couldn't even afford to pay for him to get proper anesthesia so that he wasn't in pain while getting a tooth removed.
I've never felt so defeated. I just want things to get a little bit better so that we have room to breathe and be happy again.