u/turtlesarecute7

Hi, y'all!

I'm (21F) not facially attractive due to my bad facial harmony and features. I look a bit androgynous naturally, but sometimes look like a man in certain angles. I've been called "ugly" all of my life, but I want that to stop, so I'm considering cosmetic procedures. I'd need different things done, since it's not a single problem area/feature.

I have a long mid-face and my philtrum is not short.

My nose has a bulbous tip, my eyes are almond-shaped, and not wide-set.

My nose isn't small, but it's medium-sized. The bulbous tip makes my nose look bigger.

The left side of my jawline is higher than my right side. I have a cross-bite and an overbite.

I have small eyes and too much sclera shows in my left eye.

My face isn't super asymmetrical, but my left eye is a little higher than the other one (it's also bigger), and my right nostril is lower than my left. My right eye is tilted upwards a little as well.

I also used to have plagiocephaly as a baby, but it got corrected (for the most part). Some asymmetries were left behind.

I'm hideous, but I want that to change. My goal is to look like the Black women I've seen who get reposted online, used for beauty inspo, and put in Pinterest boards. I want to be pretty, but that's super hard when your base is garbage.

What would you all recommend I start with?
Has anyone here gotten cosmetic surgery before?
How was it and how long did it take you to save up?

Any advice would be helpful. Thank you! 💗

I'm 21, neurodivergent, have an unattractive face, and am currently struggling with years of trauma. A lot of people don't consider people like me or the things we go through. After a while, that hurts, and it makes me feel lonely. Like, my problems are only valid if I'm presented a certain way and masking in public spaces.

I grew up near ATL, but was constantly bullied for being "different" (later found out that I'm neurodiverse), and for having an ugly face. Unfortunately, my later years didn't make things any better, and I realized how cruel some people could be. My differences have been used as a scapegoat to bully, harass, and invalidate my experiences. Because I'm not conventionally attractive, I'm often overlooked, and I have never felt feminine.

Being Black and neurodivergent also adds an interesting layer to everything.

I sound like a "Debbie Downer", my apologies, but I'm struggling a lot. I never felt connected to Black femininity or Black womanhood because of my differences. I know I'll never be the ideal Black woman, but I'd be the first to admit that I've dreamt of having a different life.

This post is inspired by one I saw a couple hours ago, and I've got something to say.

I'm sick and tired of seeing Black women and girls being shamed and shut down for talking about their experiences with abuse, lookism, and desirability politics. People are talking about getting bullied, publicly humiliated, struggling with anti-Blackness, being called racial slurs, facial features being masculinized, dealing with fatphobia, people of the same race as them calling them "ugly", and more.

But, for some reason, there are certain people who react more to the "I'm ugly because I'm Black" part of the posts, and not the harm done to the individual. Hardly any empathy, compassion, and understanding for the person struggling. People seem to care more about proving Black women are beautiful, distancing themselves from Black women who don't fit certain beauty standards, than dismantling what's harming us in the first place.

Not every Black person is held the same way, grows up being praised, loved, and celebrated in the spaces they enter.

I understand that sometimes people choose to weaponize Black women's pain and use it to reinforce racism. There are people in this world who have no problem exploiting a Black person's pain. Discussions about that should be had and taken seriously.

However, a lot of us are hurting, and seeking safety. People will label these feelings as "pathetic", but the person being shamed is always talking about abuse, and how they've internalized the harm. People are being abused and we should hold spaces for them.

We're actually talking about someone's pain like it's embarrassing!? Be respectful.

I'm not saying we need to reinforce anti-Blackness and validate white supremacist ideals. We should not. What I'm saying is that we need to start treating insecurities like what they are: responses to lived experiences and the pain that comes with them.

We cannot fight the system harming Black people with respectability politics, silencing the women/girls inside our communities, and insulting them in the same breath.

No Black person comes into this world hating who they are. It is not a moral failing to struggle with anti-Blackness in a white supremacist society. Society PROFITS off of the insecurities of others. This is the harsh reality for a lot of BIPoC in general. One look at the news, social media, and real life can tell you exactly how people are being treated.

We can uplift, help, validate, and listen to people's stories without insulting them.

Growing up on the internet was hell on Earth.

In the age of YouTube, with PewDiePie, Content Cop, Leafy, and Shane Dawson, it wasn't fun. Being on social media or any online platforms as a BIPoC back then was brutal. It's not sunshine and rainbows nowadays, but seeing this stuff as a kid did a number on my self-worth.

The worst part? A lot of white people look back on this "Golden Era" of the internet with fondness or make excuses for the behavior.

"It was a different time back then."

"We all grew up saying edgy shit online."

"It wasn't a big deal like it is now."

Yes, that racism you regurgitated for funsies wasn't a big deal, and it definitely didn't hurt anyone!

I used the internet as an escape from my reality at home. I was a little girl, who liked watching LPS videos, FNAF gameplay, and lifestyle/Tumblr content. Seeing racist foolishness in random comment sections was hellish, but it was worse seeing that stuff appear in my daily life.

People shouldn't have to look back on their childhoods and remember being called racial slurs or getting harassed by their white classmates. Those classmates repeating things they heard from a grown man on YouTube with millions of subscribers.

You mean to tell me this was a "normal" part of my childhood because I'm not white? I should expect this!? I'm supposed to accept bigoted content because some cis-white male YouTuber wanted to dress up as a Black caricature and don Blackface? 🫩

So, apparently this sub has gotten popular, and I'm glad more women + girls know about it. However, I noticed a lot more men have been popping up in the comments of posts here. Either trolling, giving dating "advice", insulting the OP, and more.

I don't know why some of them come to a safe space with the goal to be cruel. What's the point in doing that?

It's clear a lot of the members here aren't doing well, are vulnerable, and hurting in different ways. Why kick people when they're down? 💀

Anyways, be careful posting here y'all.

Edit: Can the men lurking on this subreddit please stop making jabs at the women and girls posting here? It's mean as hell. The majority of you all do not like us anyway. This is meant to be a safe space. Not sure what is so funny about getting abused for not benefiting from lookism. Realize that you are laughing at someone else's trauma, mental illness, and anguish. Do better, please.

Honestly, this is society as a whole because lookism is real, but I've noticed it a lot considering I've always had an ugly face. Of course, when I talk about being ugly, I'm corrected, called a "troll", being anti-Black, and sometimes worse. Black women are constantly denied access to beauty, being policed for what we do/say, and have historically been masculinized.

I understand a lot of people want to be beautiful, already have access to pretty privilege, and hate discussions that sound similar to "being Black is ugly". I'd be one of many who understand this. Yet it seems that when you talk about not being beautiful, the conversation is always controversial.

Why are we pretending as if everyone on this Earth is going to be accepted, loved, supported, and held the same way? Why are some people treating real insecurities as if they're moral failures? Insecurities are made over time. They didn't appear out of thin air.

As if living in a society run on capitalism and anti-Blackness is easy. It's not. My point is that beauty gives you access to many things, and it's no surprise that many Black women want it. Why can't people empathize with that instead of looking at me like a liability?

Some of us aren't told that we're beautiful, get approached with warmth, and are accepted by people who look like us. For me, it's the same story, but I still want community approval. I want to be praised like the Black women who get posted online. Who gets used as inspo because they're beautiful and aspirational in different ways. Those aren't the inspirational stories people want to hear.

So, they give suggestions:
"Go to an all Black school!" Did that.
"Go where you're loved!" Tried that.
"Move to a predominantly Black neighborhood." I live near Atlanta, lmao. I've always been around people like myself…for the most part.

Sometimes, I don't want to be the "ugly" woman who happens to be Black and is neurodivergent. I still want to be Black, but I want a new face. Most days, I want to be beautiful and be praised for it. Of course, when you're ugly like I am, most people don't want to empathize with you, and being Black adds to the struggle. You're supposed to be strong. Maybe use your physical ugliness as a shield that might protect you! Or it could be a way for you to radically accept yourself!

I've been bullied by people who look like me, called "ugly" by them, told that people were lying about me being "beautiful" in a Black woman's subreddit, and much more. What do I do about that then? Rise above like a deity? I know exactly how my face is perceived. It fucking sucks. I know that if I had a different face, I'd be held by the community differently, and maybe I wouldn't have been treated the way I had. Maybe I'd be like the Black women who get reposted, loved, and noticed. I always knew I was ugly, but part of me thought I had a chance. I didn't.

I don't want to be pretty for romantic love. I don't want to be pretty to one-up someone else. I want to be pretty so I can be accepted and not hate my face anymore. I was once a little Black girl who didn't have insecurities, but was broken down many times to the point where it became unbearable.

Was I supposed to be strong as a child for being called "ugly" by my peers and suck it up because I'm Black? Or am I supposed to shoulder the pain of my insecurities because I'm an adult and another Black person might see what I say?

It's one thing to be called ugly by people who share nothing similar to yourself, but it hurts deeply when those individuals Black like you.

Can't go anywhere. Can't say anything. I can't do shit anymore.

I'm so tired of telling my story, my trauma, and my life through a filtered lens so it's digestible to others. What's the point of a safe space if I have to constantly filter what I say? What's the point of "community" when you're excluded for not fitting the mold?

I understand boundaries. I understand people have triggers. I get that + want to respect others. Yet, sometimes, it seems like respectability politics, and policing what Black women are saying/doing.

I've held my tongue for years when it came to trauma because I had no idea what was affecting me. I was coasting by in life, all while being harmed, and never saw change until I began to open up.

I'm looking to open up about myself, traumatic experiences, being neurodivergent, and the way living in a white supremacist society has affected me.

Still, I have to worry about who will see this. What effect might my words have? Where should I share X? What place is acceptable to go to? Don't forget, you've gotta look the part, and be as imperfect as possible!

Why do I have to put on a mask constantly?
Why do I have to be strong?
Why do I need to hold my tongue again?
Why are we expected to be above it all, but many others aren't?

I've only been in this world for 21 years. I don't know everything. I'm trying my best, but it feels like I'm betraying myself by trying to please everyone.

Same as the title.

I know I'm not conventionally attractive. My face isn't anyway.

I've been bullied a lot for my appearance, overlooked, and harassed online for it. I have never seen another Black woman who looks somewhat like me receive praise. I think it's called "featurism" that I've gone through.

People always tell me to look for Black women who "look like you", but no one does.

I've done a lot for my appearance. I've changed my diet permanently, cut out most meat (besides fish), stay active, do skincare, take supplements, and try to maintain my hair, nails, and oral health. I took all the advice people gave me, but it doesn't work because my facial harmony is garbage. I cannot afford facial cosmetic surgery either.

For a long time, I wanted to be like the other Black women online who were praised, beloved, and seen as inspo for their appearance + how they carried themselves. All of the women who get reposted online, in the main sub, etc. I wish that could be me as well.

I only wanted to be beautiful so I could belong and like myself. I wanted to exist without fear of being ostracized for my facial features.

Society values looks. Lookism made it seem as though beauty equals safety, validation, opportunities, positive visibility, and much more.

I feel like I'm not a woman.

I do not want to "embrace" my ugliness. I want to be like the other Black women my age that have beautiful faces.

Trigger - Mentions: Self-Harm and SI (Suicidal Ideation)

I've been battling years of on and off suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Honestly, the thoughts are getting louder everyday, and I'm hoping to die from my next attempt. I don't want to be here anymore. I know that is triggering to say, but it's true.

I tried to attempt last year, but I failed, and the thoughts only got louder. I always get worse after each attempt, but cope with different forms of self-harm. SH feels like something I deserve because I'm not good enough. I have a deep-rooted hatred for myself due to traumatic experiences. I never learned to cope with my trauma in healthy ways, so the idea of suicide became comforting to me.

I know suicide itself is stigmatized, looked down on, and some shame you for openly discussing said thoughts. I don't like that I've thought about death for so long, but that's my reality.

I might be weak. I could be looking for a "cop-out" from something I'm refusing to face. Idk anymore.

I do know that I've never felt as though I belonged in this world.

I've never fit the Black beauty standards for my face. I've never had a face that would be praised, go viral for being beautiful, or be used as inspo for other Black women. It will never be that. I will never be that person.

I know my face is unattractive. I've known since I was a kid.

I've been called "ugly" by healthcare staff, people of the same race as myself, teachers, old friends, school peers, and strangers online.

The "move to a predominantly Black environment" and "find other women who look like you" advice never helped me. I've always lived in majority Black neighborhoods, counties, and environments. Blackness has been the center of my life in most cases.

I've also never seen another Black woman who looks somewhat similar to me. Trust me, I've looked for a long time, but couldn't find anyone in the algorithm. After a while, that tells me something, and it hurts a lot.

I'm so tired of dealing with the downsides of being facially unattractive.

Whenever a Black woman is considered conventionally attractive, the world will let them know at some point. Yet, in my case, the world has told me I'm not enough, and I've learned to shrink myself because of it.

No one understands how much trauma is tied to my face. I can hardly stare at my face in the mirror without imagining it being ripped off. It kinda reminds me of that one scene from the movie "Belle" when Dido looks at her reflection.

I do all of the things people suggest to improve one's appearance (besides cosmetic surgery) and things that jeopardize my health. It didn't change the disharmony of my face. The additions and consistency helped me with a couple of things over the years health wise, but my face is still garbage. Apparently, I've gotten "uglier" in adulthood according to previous peers. 💀

It's hard to build confidence when a lot of people have put you down for years.

Yeah, not doing that shit again.

I made a post in, what I thought was an inclusive space for women, about my trauma (briefly), and it involved me being abused by women. I already knew this topic was a controversial one because of the subject matter, but I thought a feminist subreddit would be safest for me.

I expressed annoyance at sometimes being met with people assuming my abusers were men. Also being accused of having a "hidden agenda" or negative bias for sharing my prolonged abuse story. I wanted to share—briefly—how that made ME feel.

A lot of people were supportive, sharing their stories, and felt comfortable opening up. Yet, there were also individuals claiming I'd been lying, spreading misinformation, trying to silence women who talk about being abused by men, and that I was AI or generating some kind of propaganda. I wasn't. I really fucking wasn't.

My abuse is deeply complex, layered, and something I'm aiming to make sense of. Being abused for over a decade, by different people you expected to trust, all while navigating through a white supremacist society, that objectifies young girls of color and tries to justify the harm we go through was incredibly isolating.

I grew up knowing I wouldn't be believed. Still, in the "progressive" year of 2026, there are some people who want to shut me down and claim I'm speaking out with ulterior motives or rage-bait.

Once again, my trauma doesn't matter. Great!

Same as the title.

I know I'm not conventionally attractive. My face isn't anyway.

I've been bullied a lot for my appearance, overlooked, and harassed online for it. I have never seen another Black woman who looks somewhat like me receive praise.

People always tell me to look for Black women who "look like you", but no one does.

I've done a lot for my appearance. I've changed my diet permanently, cut out most meat (besides fish), stay active, do skincare, take supplements, and try to maintain my hair, nails, and oral health. I took all the advice people gave me, but it doesn't work because my facial harmony is garbage. I cannot afford facial cosmetic surgery either.

For a long time, I wanted to be like the other Black women online who were praised, beloved, and seen as inspo for their appearance + how they carried themselves.

I never wanted to be better than the women I saw online. I did not desire to be beautiful for male approval either. I only wanted to belong and to like myself. I wanted to exist without fear of being ostracized for my facial features.

Society values looks. Lookism made it seem as though beauty equals safety, validation, opportunities, positive visibility, and much more.

It makes me sad because I don't have the face people would want to admire. I feel like I'm not a woman either.

How do I accept this? How can I learn to cope with being facially unattractive, but live a happy life?