Obsessing over past fights/tensions
TLDR: I find myself obsessing over long past fights/issues/incompatibilities in periods of high stress and I feel like it’s impossible to overcome and forgive fully. Anyone else? I love him so much and I want to be able to move past this but some days it just feels like I can’t let go of the past.
Hi all, my (29F) boyfriend (28M) and I have had a rough go of it for the last several months. We have been together 4 years (long distance the whole time) after meeting in college. I have struggled with ROCD since the second month of our relationship. I’ve been in therapy almost 5 years and been on meds almost 4.
I grew up with a father who had a problematic relationship with alcohol, so alcohol is a big trigger for me. I’ve had several tough conversations with my partner about drinking & how it leads to fights because i just end up getting triggered and reminding myself of my dad. He’s put in work to consciously drink less around me and check in with me to make sure I’m feeling comfortable, which i appreciate. Around 18 months ago, he was buzzed and ended up peeing the bed, which I found strange because he wasn’t very intoxicated (he had one other accident years ago when he was incredibly drunk which was when i really put my foot down). It’s been something that I’ve really tried to work past and forgive him because he’s incredibly apologetic and embarrassed. I told him he needed to go to the doctor and get everything checked out, and the doctor basically told him he needs to cut down on fluids of any kind (he drinks 120 oz+ of water per day) before bed.
Cut to present day, we’re trying to figure out how to close the gap and move in together and it’s just been incredibly stressful. I find myself obsessing over our differences in habits- I enjoy going out but I also don’t like getting drunk. He doesn’t go out much these days, but since he’s a bigger guy at 6’3, his tolerance is naturally higher. I know he’s made some changes which i really appreciate but I feel like I’m stuck in the past and can’t move on. He has expressed that sometimes I make him feel like he’s constantly letting me down bc of my nitpicking and analyzing his behaviors/problems, which makes me feel bad bc he’s such a good partner and has always been patient with me and taken on my anxieties as his own to work on.
Some of this feels legitimate & some of it just feels like I’m on a hamster wheel of being unable to look past something that was very difficult for both of us.