u/Hot-Cartoonist1189

Hi. 20F here. I've been wanting to take it all out since WEEKS and honestly, I didn't know where else to do this. So, I live with my parents and I come from a SUPER controlling household. By controlling, I mean controlling. Let alone going out when I want to, I can't even decide when I want to sleep and when I want to wake up(yes, even at 20).

I've always been controlled in my 20 years. People ask me to rebel but it's way easier said than done. They're super strict, and not the kind that is strict only in certain situations, but they're constantly screaming. I can barely sit in a room with them without feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable. In the morning when I know it's almost time for them to wake me up, I'm already stressing out even when I'm half-asleep. I'd be dreading the moment they barge into my room, screaming and yelling and asking me to wake up. It doesn't matter when I fell asleep, if I'm tired, or simply want to get some rest- I'll have to wake up exactly when they want me to. I don't even mind them wanting to wake me up, but it's the way they do it. They'd be screaming at the top of their lungs and that's the first thing I hear in the morning. Then the entire day, they're either in a bad mood so they'll take it all out on me, or suddenly once in a blue moon they're in a good mood and they'll be fine but after a while they'll start screaming again. They scream even for the slightest things. For example, if I left something somewhere- they could easily just ask me to pick it up from there and I will, but instead, they yell. I ask for something, they yell. I'm doing something, they yell. They want me to do something, they yell. I'm silent, they yell. It's like.. they don't even know how to act like a normal human being. And the thing is, they do. They act like the world's best parents in front of others. Not just others, even my own brother. He thinks he treats me with care and adoration and like a princess but only I know how they really talk to me when he isn't watching. I always have to keep wondering how their mood is, constantly have to be scared of something even though I haven't done anything.. my own home feels like a trap and I feel so unsafe and uncomfortable even when I'm safe.

Now coming to my social life. First, during my teen years, I didn't do any of that teenage shit. They wouldn't let me. During highschool, even though I never used to go out, I had to cry and request for a hangout with a friend once in 8-10 months. I remember my farewell, I was so excited. I wanted to get my hair styled(for the first time) and I was able to convince them after a lot of requests. When my hair was done, I was happy. They weren't, for some reason. They made nasty comments about my hair, how I looked, and how I dressed. Even my dress was decided by them, by the way. I couldn't choose how to dress up.. even on my farewell. After those comments, I remember feeling terrible on my way to school. It wasn't until I reached and got amazing compliments by the people around me when I realised I actually do look fucking wonderful. So many compliments, about my hair, how I looked. I've no idea why my parents would even joke about stuff like that. They made a lot of "jokes" about my appearance, my likes and dislikes, still do. I won't ever understand why.

I've got an elder brother, he's the favourite. According to them, he's amazing, gets everthing done right, been the good child. He was always allowed to have a good social life. Maybe that was the reason why he grew up so confident.. he actually lived. Since he was a child, he pursued his hobbies, was good at speaking and being social, was allowed to go on trips(school trips even at the age of 11/12). And mind you, I haven't ever been allowed to go on a trip without my parents, or with my friends, neither a school nor a college trip. There was this one school trip that I wanted to go to, they told me they'd take me there. They didn't. Now I'm not saying I don't have fun with my family, but I've always wanted to.. live. Have a life outside the same 3 people I see on a daily basis. Till this date, I've barely had that.

I don't have any unhealthy habits(smoking, drinking, vaping, etc.), and I don't like doing anything of that sort as well. Peer pressure doesn't work on me, and I've always been the good child. The child who listens, the child who does everything she gets asked to do. So, it seems super unfair that even after all that, I don't get to live properly, and how they treat me.

My parents, it's not like I hate them. I do love them. They've done stuff for me, and I appreciate that. But it almost feels like.. they stole a lot from me. My teen years, my social life, my confidence.. me. I grew up with low self-esteem and confidence. I'm working on it and I've actually worked on it a lot right now. More to come, and I'm actually happy with the progress. People genuinely see the change in me. But, somewhere a part of me believes that they caused a lot of damage. I see people my age doing so many things, and they've had been doing this since they were like 14-16, and I can barely even get those things now without having to bang my head and cry for it. It almost feels like they've made me lose a lot. I've never actually.. decided for myself.

This is only like the 1/100th of everything that I've dealt with or am feeling. Recently, I feel so stuck, I barely feel like doing anything and I just keep distracting myself. I was and am such an upbeat person with so many hobbies, but I feel like living with them, I'll only start endlessly losing myself. I just wanted to take it all out today, so I did. If you read it till here, thank you. Also, suggestions and advices are welcomed. I'll do something about this, just wanted to rant for now. Alright then, bye bye.