Im just tired
Okay, maybe this is too long, but I felt I need to do this. My parents arent evil, but I hate and it hurts me the fact that they dont wanna change.
Im the youngest of my family, and I have an older sister. My parents had us aproximatedly in their 40s. Now they are in thir 60s aprox. They are really lonely, and thy dont know how to socialize. I was always a shy girl, and really introvert. I was really afraid of talking to someone, now im realizing they never told me how to do it, and told me how evil other people could be. I was a toddler that time, and I thought everyone was evil, stupid, and things like that. They would always complain about my sister, and how they sometimes even cried. I wanted to make them feel proud of me, that they had a good daughter. My mom used to complain with me about my sister aproximatedly when I was 8 yo (she was a teenager when I was a child), about the way she dressed, that she drank alcohol, almost as if I was another mom. She told me to study, and it didnt matter when I failed, but when I failed she would get furious telling me that I didnt study.
My mum always choosed things for me, and still tries today: going to buy to ahop, and she saying-she likes this one- without even consulting me. She does this since I was little, molding me as she wanted.
When I was 9, my grandma need to live with us, because she was really ill, and my mom would fight with her and almost telling me that because she needs to take care of her, and also critizising her. I wanted to make my parents happy, and thats why I used to hate my grandma,I was a little girl, and they would use me as emotional support. Another thing they have, is being really catholic, at sick levels. My sister became atheists, and they cried, they tried desesperatedly to make her being religious again (they acted as if she was into drugs), and forced me to go to church every sunday, telling me that this was so I wouldnt be like her. The critizising, the mocks towards my sister was insane. I remember when she was 18, she took the driving test and failed, and I was watching it with my mom. She said that my mum being there made her nervous. And then, my mum went away walking, leaving me and my sister in the street.
My sister followed her, telling her how was she able to let her little daughter (I was 9 that time) and her alone, and my mum would victimize herself telling my sister how she didint love her, how is that she (my mum) ruins everything accordin to my sister supposedly, how she only haves to take care of the house and to say nothing. And I think, at least towards her, thats the problem: she complains how she cant say anything, but when you tell her that the things she says are harmful, she complains youre evil, and doesnt recognize the work she does for us. I know both my parents work a lot, but for what I see, they dont organise themselves, they routine, and when you tell them that, they would complain how hard theyre working on everything, and how you dont recognize the hard work they do (Im like: PRECISELY, BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TIRED YOU ARE, HOW BAD YOU FEEL, IM TELLING YOU HOW YOU COULD IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION).They dont make you know how horrible person youre directly, but by letting you know how you recognise nothing they do.
They used to implicitly tell me youre not going to be like your sister. I felt pity for them, because I believed the things hey said: that we werent good daughters, no matter how hard we tried. And then, I tried to do things to make them happy, like being religious, talking sometimes with people even if I was afraid of doing it so. They would also always complain of me acting like a little girl: I rember dancing because I was happy and my dad telling me to calm down angry, or when I played with a puppet, and my dad angry telling me that I wasnt funny, crying because maths was difficult and angry telling me to do the exercise. beating me because I failed an exam (later they would gaslight me into thinking they never beated me and were always great and me evil).
They would always treat people with different opinions (like supporting abortion, feminism, atheists) as they were horrible, and desesperatedly for them liking me, I would agree and be as toxic as them. Those thing could be as nothing as wanting to wear trainers instead of boots, and all of it leading to me being a horrible daughter and not liking them, as not recognizing them as the great parents they were.
As they complained about it of my sister, and I was really lonely and I wanted someones company, I would agree with them. That made everything evem more difficult to make friendships with people my age, specially because when I tried to be close to someone, my parents, even when we were all little girls, would critizise them, and usually telling me things like dont be invasive, they have their group.
When I was hurt about something (usually, about me acting like a little girl), they would treat me as if I was an adult acting like that, and that would hurt me a lot. I used to cry because nothing, and they would throw me holy water to calm me, thinking also that I wasnt close enough to God, and that I was a bad christian too. Church was a torture, and nowdays, I realized that I enjoy it, but going by myself, not with my parents. My sister studied phsycology, and she studied Freud with it, and Freud was atheist, and because of that, they would not believe in phsycology or letting me to go therapy. When I was an early teen, I remember feeling bad, because I was though that phase of life, and I asked them to go to a phsycologist. They told me that I was an exagerated, and that I just needed to pray, and I felt like that because I was a bad christian. Years later, when my sister thought that Freuds therapy model was obsolet and went to another one, they started to ike phsycology, and let me go.
My dad has problems with his health, and stress afects him a lot. The problem, is that I was told that I needed to let him see that I studied and had good grades, because if not, he would get stressed and it would affect his health. I used to study more specially because of this, but when I failed, they would get angry, because I wasnt good student, and I felt bad for my dads health.
Im in my last year of highschool, and I started to "rebel more": Dressing what I want, doing my makeup, socializing more, trying to keep distance to them, and I remember asking my parents if they wanted therapy. They told me they didnt, they wwere fine and only god heppls them. If you keep telling them the things they do wrong, they start victimizing again. Im really tired. My country is in a difficult economy situation, thats why I wanna have a good work and move. I want to be away from them, they harm me and harmed me a lot.
Another thing to add: when my grandma died recently, I was really hurt. Somehow, I think she was really ill, and thats the best that could happen to her, she was suffering a lot. But I realized that my parents used her as a scapegoat of their tiredness. They werent prepared for being parents and would always excuse themselves with everything, incluiding my dying grandma,
What hurts me more, is how they prefer to live in their victim bubble rather than accepting that they did mistakes and wanting to be better. I told my parents how harsh is to be an emotional support, and they victimize again and tell me Im old, Im this way, I dont care if you like it or not
Maybe I mispelled something. Sorry, english is not my first language. Maybe Im missing lots of things