I hate this I hate this I hate this
I'm so fucking done with whatever problem I have. Basically it feels like certain things I've touched are contaminated because I touched them when my hands were "dirty". I avoid all these things and have to wash my hands repeatedly after touching it. My hands hurt so so much, they're covered in little Rio's and for me it's winter right now and the cold makes then hurt more, if I put cream it stings so bad. Idk if this is anxiety but I ALWAYS constipated or st least feel like it, I always have the urge to go during times when I can't like school etc. but at home when I need it to come it doesn't.
It's not even that tho, when I do go I clean and scrub for AGESS it takes me 40 min smt more to just clean. I put water then tissue then water then tissue ( unfortunately I don't have access to getting a bidet or anything of the sort). I have to use sm toilet roll and in the past I've clogged the toilet up. Now I have to secretly throw it in the outside bin and even then there's sm toilet roll. I scrape sm and dig in too deep when I know I shouldn't. I can't clean with my fingers cos I'll be washing my hands for the next hr if I do. I can't go straight in the shower after cos smt U don't have access ( like if it at school) and even if I did, in my head the feces is travelling down my keg and is not clean unless I once again scrub for an hr. Even then, I still feel dirty.
I'm scared to go places. Me and my friends want to go overseas and I'm scared that I will have to go the bathroom and I won't be able too. Or they won't have the necessary things ( like water) to clean. It ruined my life. My relationships. Sometimes I'm afraid to touch people's hands cos I don't trust them to be clean up to my " standard". I had to poop so badly during my yearlys that I almost missed it and got zero marks. See even if I did have to poop all the time, I'm not even efficient about it. It takes me AGESS. I just hate this so so much and I don't know how to stop it. I want to be normal. Go to the bathroom and not take yrs. Go places without the fear of taking a number 2. Touch people and things without second guessing myself.
This is ruining my life. I cancel plans because of it and my anxiety grows so high too .
What do I do.