Abortion scheduled tomorrow... apprehensive and confused about what I want
I have an abortion scheduled for tomorrow. I didnt want more kids, but when I found out I was pregnant with my boyfriend of roughly 6 months, I was a bit excited/a bit afraid. We had just had a fairly big fight though and he was on the fence about us when I found out, as was I about him. He has 1 child and is a very loving and involved father to her. I have 2 kids myself, whose father's werent shit, so that is one thing about my boyfriend I really loved.
As the next month and a half went by, I got increasingly mixed signals from him about whether he wanted to keep the baby. He said he did, but could never articulate any concrete reasons for his proclaimed excitement. It came off very flat, and I worried it was performative and just based on the fact that he did not morally believe in abortion. Not just over the baby revelation, but he showed himself to be rather emotionally avoidant and terrible at communication - constantly defensive, shuts down conversations, cant seem to look past his own feelings at anyone else's, and increasingly condescending or downright disrespectful.
I decided to schedule an abortion about 3 weeks ago, and we talked about it and I thought we were on the same page.... On the fence morally but thinking its for the best. Today I broke up with him. I told him I have felt very alone in this pregnancy and decision to keep/terminate (b/c getting a discussion about it out of him was like pulling teeth) and he told me that "of course you feel alone in it, I didnt want this (abortion)."
The thing is, I did want this baby. I have so much guilt about this choice. The only reason Im not going thru with the pregnancy is because I don't feel that im in a supportive relationship or one where there is healthy conflict/communication. It's tearing me up. At the same time, I have also spent a long time gaining freedom back from prior abusive relationships and the idea of tying myself to the city im currently in and a coparenting dynamic with this man as he is today scares me. Im afraid ill live with regret, and may have to sacrifice my hard earned independence and freedom, and even sacrifice advancing my career due to the challenges of relocating and custody agreements (he has 50/50 of his daughter and has already been insistent that if things didnt work out between us he would want that no matter what).
I dont know what im looking for here... words of wisdom I guess? I feel like the abortion is the right choice to make at this chapter in my life, but it hurts like hell and feels like Im losing something precious to me and Im terrified I will live with regret. I guess Im terrified Ill live with regret either way, and Im choosing the more known regret. Maybe cold feet is normal? Idk. Im lost.