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Me and my husband have been together for almost 20 years (both 40's with kids) and we have always had a great relationship until I was aware that I was doing all the emotional labor in the relationship. I'm the only one that sees when something is not working, I'm the only one that says "we need to talk" and every time I bring something up that is bothering me he gets defensive and starts playing victim and brings out all the bad things that I had made.
The thing is that he always defends himself by saying all the things that I do or don't do that bother him, he doesn't acknowledge what I tried to comunicate and I it's so frustrating, it's like he isn't capable of acknowledge my feelings.
I know the biggest issue is communication, it's like I'm speaking German and he speaks Russian in a household where everybody is supposed to speak Spanish.
It's been almost 10 years since I started to try and talk to him in very different way, ererytime with a different technique: I've tried nicely, calmly, crying, almost beggin, I have write him letters trying to be as simple or as explicit as I can be and he keeps saying he doesn't know what I mean or what I really want. It's getting exhausting trying to explain myself to someone who doesn't make the effort to try to understand anything that I say.
The lack of communication makes me feel ignored, unattended, unappreciated and even though I love my husband, most of the time I don't wanna have sex with him. The romance is gone, and it's always me who has to seduce him to make anything happen. He says he desires me but it's not showing. Sometimes I feel he just wants to satisfy his physical needs, and my emotional needs are nowhere to be found.
A few years ago I asked him if he was willing to go to therapy with me, but he just refused.
So now I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do and this is just frustrating, I feel like I'm very lonely and like I'm the only one who wants to work in this relationship.
TL;Dr: my husband can't or won't understand what I ask from him, so he always gets defensive
Edit: typos