u/Hot-Inevitable-5940

this is primary relational, but it’s a polyamorous dynamic and i could use some insight.

i’ve been dating Parsley for almost 5 months now. we sparked something almost 2 years ago but it was short lived and very muddy as it wasn’t concrete.

when we came back into each others lives, the connection was there still so i decided to try this dynamic. i’ve recently been experiencing a lot of growing pains from adapting to caring for someone so much but seeing them so little, but i also know what i agreed to so i’ve been working internally to feel more grounded in myself.

recently, Parsley asked about meeting my family. this has come up a bit, the first time was within the first month of us dating — which i just attributed to us being out on the town and having liquor in our systems. It came up again, then a 3rd time, pretty recently. I told them that i’m not there yet then followed up saying that i’m working through navigating this relationship, as it’s my first adult relationship where we both have priorities calling our attention, and i’d prefer to just move a bit slower to which they were supportive and responded fairly positively.

sounds good. the issue arises from this conversation being our last conversation, a week ago. we typically go 2-3 days without contact, so initially i didn’t think much of it. then i sent out a warm check in message this weekend and received nothing. i’m truly at a loss. on one hand, i feel me saying no potentially struck a nerve as they told me they don’t want to feel hidden.. but i don’t even know if that’s what’s going on because there’s been no contact.

we have our weekly date today and im not sure how i should approach the situation. we typically decide what we’ll do the day of so i was thinking i could keep the rhythm and do that, then potentially check in with them during the conclusion of the date. while i gave them the space, it was a really rough weekend because i do care about them. i just feel like im not as secure as i’d like to be if considering something that’s so major for me. I also feel like yes it’s been 5 months.. but thats only 10 dates, maybe 15 including times we’ve saw each other intentionally outside of our planned time.

i’m kinda rambling so i apologize. i’m just at a loss. the silence could have nothing to do with me and im considering that as well. the change just feels very sharp and I don’t want them to equate my boundary to me saying i dont want the possibility in the future. i also feel like i said enough so bringing it up maybe isnt the best move if we do see each other. i just feel like im carrying a lot of weight and im not sure if i should just let it go and hope for the best or what.

advice and/or warm words appreciated. i’m a bit sensitive at the moment so i accept critiques, just not anything thats just mean.

Hiya, just curious whether or not it’s common to have trouble finding a primary when you have non-primary partners?

Perhaps it was a misalignment on my part, but i’ve been dating, seeking that, and what came up was a general discomfort of doing so due to believing that im seeking a connection because my non couldn’t become my primary. I explained that’s just our dynamic but i’m looking for a different kind of connection but i don’t think it landed as solidly as their initial hesitation.

Any advice?

hi everyone,

hope you’re all having / had a lovely day. so i’m pretty new to polyamory, about 3 months in, with a partner who has partners.

i recently had an experience where we were spending our time together and i heard a hinge notif go off and i felt somewhat distraught about it. it’s not that they’re talking to new people because i know that’s bound to happen, it’s more of i felt i barely have time with them and to seek more connections just felt unfair to me.
after reflecting, i decided the best move was for me to also seek connections if i felt that i like the bond but i need more attention (which may be skewed thinking.. im not sure).

so i did that and i began to hit it off with someone who i am interested in and pours into me. they also have experience with polyamory and i told them that i have a partner who im seeing pretty regularly and they were okay with that.

jump ahead to today, im with my partner and i felt like there was a shift. we were talking and throughout the date they would say things that would reassure me in ways i didnt realize i needed to hear. they even brought up potentially going on a trip to spend a weekend together and that made me feel good.. but horrible.

i’m kinda at a loss on what to do. i feel like i got the clarity i needed to see i really like my partner and seeking other connections just feel wrong. ik it’s mono-normative behavior to unlearn, but im genuinely at a loss of what to do.

and yes we are both in a poly partnership which extends to me, yes i know they have other partners so i should be able to date as well, but im new to this and i cant help feeling guilty for seeking connections when i have someone who is trying to show me they care for me. im not their primary partner so i do feel alone at times, but i also feel like maybe dating isn’t a way to fill that loneliness when i have goals i could work towards instead? idk. advice appreciated.

edit to add- i’m aware of their busy schedule. they work long hours and the set up is typically they’d see their primary on their day off and spend the other socializing or whatever they please. me feeling like there was no time from me came from the lack of us talking whenever we aren’t in person. i don’t want to invade their time off because i know they only have those few days for themselves and partners and i don’t want to take away from that.

note- please don’t be overly harsh in replies. i can take criticism, yes, but only if it’s constructive, not negative commentary. thank you in advance.