AITAH for demoting my maid of honor to a regular bridesmaid or kicking her out and making her come as a guest instead??
so for context we are both 25y, she has a very controlling mother/is very overprotective of MOH and my mom used to be the same way up until about a 22y. (also sorry this is a really long post)
so about 3 weeks ago i asked MOH and another bridesmaid to plan a bachelorette weekend for us all (about 5-7 people, going down to Atlantic City beach house for a Thursday-Sunday trip). i fully trusted them to go ahead with planning and was excited to hear updates. about 2 weeks passed without hearing much, now it’s the monday before we are scheduled to leave for our trip. i facetimed with them to see what the itinerary was/if there was anything left to plan. we must have met for 15 mins max, and MOH was not paying attention, didnt know where the link to the planning google doc was, AND even interrupted towards the end because she was laughing and said “sorry, i have like a whole other side plot going on right now”.
so after realizing that over the span of 2 weeks barely anything had been planned from MOH and the other bridesmaid had pulled most of the weight but was limited in what she could do without MOH. i started to panic-plan everything in time for Thursday. i sent out google forms, researched activities in the area, planned meals, made a generic itinerary, snack and drink requests, ordered decorations, etc etc.
the next day after the facetime i get a text message from MOH saying that shes “been having a family issue since saturday” and “still trying to figure out when and how im getting down there” and “i realized i forgot to answer” and “im sorry im gonna have to get back to you” among other things. knowing sort of how her mom is, i responded with “no problem, im so sorry. is it that your mom doesn’t want you to come?” and she responds, “in short honestly, yes that’s part of it lol”. so i responded with a couple of ideas like offering her mom to come tour the airbnb, or even stay with us as there’s extra room, saying that i understand and for her to let me know if there’s anything i can do to help/make things easier.
she doesn’t respond until the next day (so we facetimed on monday, texted on tuesday, now it’s wednesday morning… 24 hours before we leave for this trip.) she texts me starting off with “if i want any shot at repairing my relationship with my mother and ending this fight, it’s probably in my best interest not to come.” and proceeds to apologize and say she’ll find a way to make it up to me.
i responded with a very long text (like 6 paragraphs) essentially expressing how i wished i had known she wasn’t going to be able to make it sooner, and that even if she wasn’t going to make it she still should have planned something, anything. being honest about my being upset and disappointed, and relating my situation to hers that i’ve had difficult family dynamics that i’ve expressed to her (like my mom borderline kicking me out, but her mom isn’t like that). i also said that i would love for her to still be by my side for my wedding and that’s true! but im worried that something like this could happen again days before the wedding (3 weeks away, 2 as of making this post) and she will cancel with short notice because she gets into an argument with her mom about it and what would i do then?
from wednesday morning to thursday night she hadn’t responded at all. and i was already at the airbnb for the trip but i wanted to clear the air before i wouldn’t really be on my phone until sunday night. so i call her and she doesn’t answer (it was late so i get it) and text saying that i just wanted to check in w her, if she could call me back when she gets the chance.
for additional context, i only have 3 people in my party, the MOH and two bridesmaids. the same day all of this started happening, i found out one of my bridesmaids started implying she won’t be able to make it, but hasn’t said anything to me directly (that’s a whole other story, maybe i’ll make another post about it). so finding out 2/3 of my people (one very likely, the other a possibility) won’t be able to show up for the wedding definitely sent me into a spiral. i had a heart to heart with the one bridesmaid who has been through it all with me and explained everything that just happened, and truthfully told her how i felt about her. i originally wanted her to be my MOH after i got engaged, but felt invalid in asking her since we had only known each other for less than a year but had bonded VERY closely (as opposed to the current MOH we haven’t been as close up until the past few years, but have been friends since childhood). i asked her if she would be my new MOH, and that if it turns out that previous MOH can make it to the wedding (lest her mom not try to irreparably damage their relationship somehow?) prev. MOH just still be a bridesmaid instead.
ABSOLUTELY RADIO SILENCE from her until sunday afternoon. responds with an 8 paragraph message, and in the first says something along the lines of i hope you had a great trip and sorry i haven’t answered. “truthfully i didn’t know what to say at first and then time just got away from me. i wanted to actually take the time to sit down and think about what i was going to say before i said it” and genuinely sincerely apologizes for letting me down, explains that she doesn’t want to get into what happened with her mom but it wasn’t only about the trip. explains how she already have carpool plans, dress alterations done, hotel reservations etc. “i had full intentions on committing to coming as i have the whole time, but i can understand why you’d think that there’s a chance i wouldn’t be there.”
TLDR; my 25y MOH had 2.5 weeks to plan a bachelorette weekend trip. turns out she didn’t plan anything and told me the day before we were set to leave that she wouldn’t be able to make it bc she started arguing with her mom and if she wanted “any shot at repairing the relationship with my mom, it’s in my best interest not to come”. i tried to throw together something as best i could, tried reaching out to her and didn’t hear from her at all for the next 4 days while i was gone. AITAH for asking another bridesmaid to be my new MOH?