The guy who assaulted me has been telling everyone from our old high school class
Hi all,
Before I get into the more recent stuff, I feel like I should tell my story first. Beware, because I’ll be going into detail. Not too graphic though. Just certain phrasing.
About two years ago, me and this guy from my Literature class got to talking. He was generally perceived by our grade as being the “chill but horny” type, and so I felt I could trust him. We became friends, again, because he was “chill”.
But as time went on, I noticed he was looking at me more than he should’ve, honestly, and I think that somehow made me feel wanted? Our talks got more intimate and I ended up even sharing deeply personal stuff with him.
Well, we decided we shouldn’t date. It’d be too complicated because we went to the same high school, but we wanted to “try things” at the very least “for fun”. It was all fun and games until it actually came to the bit.
We met up that day, and I was visibly very anxious and nervous. (I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder he knew about at the time) He told me we didn’t have to do anything, and that he would just walk away if that’s what I wanted. But his tone was dismissive and disappointed, so I felt like I had to say yes. I didn’t want to seem weak in front of him.
This was done in a bathroom stall at a stadium, by the way. I’m mortified, but anyway… we went in and I had initially only agreed to just giving him a hand job or doing something with my breasts for him.
But then he had to go and say “No lube?” To which I panicked and felt bad, so I felt like I had to just go with it and give him a blowjob. Without asking, he pulled at my hair, pushed me down, and fondled me to the point I was in pain. I was visibly in pain. Whenever I tried to get air, he pulled me back down. I had also told him I didn’t want to kiss him, but he made me agree to that too. It was horrible. When someone entered the stall next to us, we had to freeze for a moment. This is where I sort of gathered my wits and knew that this was already so wrong and I wanted to stop. So I told him word for word “maybe we should stop and go home”, to which he responded by saying “Are you seriously going to blue ball me?” I was on my knees, and he was looking down at me in such a condescending way, I felt I had no other choice but to continue. He said mocking phrases every now and then and it was just horrible.
He then asked if we could go all the way. I told him no, and that we would need condoms for that anyway. He proceeds to tell me we could just get some, and I told him no again, to which he just scoffed and shrugged. If I hadn’t been exhausted and mentally drained, I would’ve maybe succumbed to that pressure as well.
When we were finally done, I even felt the need to ask him if it was good but he just said it was “aight”. Which honestly made me feel much worse.
I went home that night and did truly a lot of SH. It was a whole mental breakdown and I didn’t eat for two days. I sobbed for 3 days straight. It impacted me so much that my brain had sort of blocked it out of my memory. I was unable to remember all the bad parts (so basically mostly everything) and texted him that we could do it again sometime. As more time went on, he became distant and dry in texting. I kept pushing for us to do it again, I guess as a coping mechanism? Idk… but one day I saw that I’d been blocked on everything. This triggered my memories to resurface, and I remembered every little detail. To the point that I even have recollection of the smell and the sounds. I sobbed for weeks. It took me a long time to understand that it was sexual assault, and I even find myself doubting it at times still. Was it? Was it not?
Well, now, almost two years later, I found out from a friend, that he’s been going around telling the guys from our old grade that “I sucked him off”. I don’t even know if that’s the extent of it. I had even sent him nudes (via snapchat, so I don’t think he’s saved it). Anyway, I don’t know what’s up with this timing. Whether it’s because we’re in college now or what. All I know is he told people we did this, and now it’s likely going to spread like wildfire. I’m genuinely so crushed by this, and I’m so afraid that he’s disclosed things about me which I thought was private. The guys from my old hs grade are all pretty depraved, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
My friends are saying that the guy who assaulted me is a frat boy and having sex every week with different girls, so I shouldn’t worry about old news… but the timing is off. It’s been two years and suddenly my friend hears from one of the guys that I sucked the SA guy off? Something must’ve been said.
I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t have sufficient evidence. I only have a log of when I did SH (same day as the incident took place). I can’t report him, and I don’t think anyone would believe me if I came forward. He’s too popular. I would be scrutinised.
He’s done this with his ex girlfriend too. He touched her without asking multiple times, and nobody believed her when she came forward. Mainly because he did a lot of damage control. So much so that even I believed him at the time (before it happened to me).
I feel so sick. I feel so trapped. What do I do?