u/Hot-Opportunity1985

Endhuko thelidhu I’m not able to be happy. I feel that I am merely existing or surviving life instead of being alive.

Bubbly ga worry free vundalekapothunna. I got 93% and got Dean’s List too. My CGPA also improved. Kaani happiness quota ey peragaledhu.

I’m so mad at people, I just sometimes wanna run away from everything and start life from scratch.

Hyderabad lo inter board exam fail ayyi tuitions theeskunnappudu kooda happy ga carefree ga vunna. Ippudu baaney chadhuvukuntunna, naa parents dream country lo vunna. Ayina velithigaa vundhi.

Enni chesaanu ee one year lo. I took up my first job, I got good percentage consecutively for two semesters. I attended classes regularly. I made friends and even lost a few.

But ekkado aa 18 year old girl eh happy ga vundhi.
Inko 13 hrs lo India nunchi naa bday wishes vasthayi. Inko 23 hours lo Vegas lo I’ll be celebrating my 21st birthday maa Akka tho.

Ayina naakivvanni excitement ivvatledhu. Naa alternate reality lo ee paatiki nenu Bessy ledhaa Yaarada beach lo koorchoni naa bestie vaaditho muntha masala thintu inka ice cream konnivvamani cute ga convince chesedhaanni vaadini.

Everyday my mind keeps living two alternate realities. One which I exist in, and another which
I feel alive in.

Shopping ki vacchaanu… mall lo real fruit bubble tea kanipinchindhi

Thaagudhaamani $9.11 petti mango slush boba konnanu. It’s my usual favorite to have with mom kaani today it tasted weird.

Choosthenemo asal proper ga tapioca cook avvaledhu. So ayithe employee ki cheppanu. Aa eddi maadumokamdhi "You’re the only one complaining" annadhi. Nen "Oh ok 🙄😒" ani trash lo padesanu. Dabbulu bokka ayina parledhu, hope that employee has a bad day.

Attitude ilaa choopisthundhi kaabatte she’s working in food services. Retail people are better at managing customers. Dheeniki oka boba ey cheyyadam raadhu bokka vanta cheyyamante champesthadhemo.

Anyways store lo verey customers shock ayyaaru 😱😱😱. But naaku ee chettha tapioca aragakakapothe side effects ento thelusu cause its literal cornstarch.

Anyways, usually I’m nice with staff in stores kaani this beyotch got on my nerves. Nen naa family laaga kaadhu I’m straightforward. I just voice out concerns. Just because only one person is complaining doesn’t mean there’s no problem.

Vaallandharki taste buds bengaayemo nenem cheyyaali. Textures and tastes theliyakunda chaala mandhi vuntaru. 13th year nunchi without anyone’s help vanta nerchukunna naaku thelidhaa taste elaa vuntadho. Ayina this is not my first time having boba life lo. From Michelin star restaurants to street lo Taiwanese owned shops lo boba dhaaka I’ve tried everything. Vacchindhi peddha pista mokam dhi. Adhi dhaani mogga mokam.

The big myth we told each other. Aa roju nen naa bestie tho movie ki velthunna antey you made sure that I cancel my plans. Nuvvu ey day free vunna you make sure to switch my plans with other ppl.
I switched the movie plans and came for food neetho. I saw my bestie and I hugged him to say hi. Anukokunda both of you saw through my lies. Nee mokam lo jealousy kanipinchindhi.

Accept that you were not a great boyfriend. Accept that you were not a good friend. Neeku nenento thelsu anukovadam maaneyi. Nenento neeku okappudu thelsu. Ippudu natisthunna anthey. The moment we broke up I got into the role of stranger. A stranger who was ready to sleep with you if that’s all I could get from you ani I came out of my boundaries to be neetho. I know nothing like that happened in our entire 1 and half year relationship, but I had to dissociate atleast once from loving you to staying with you atleast edhoka laaga.

Nee pakkalo vunnappudu leni value, ninnu kaadhu ani good friendships and relationships ni pick cheskunappudu baadhesindhi ga. Did you miss the care and attention i gave you ? What made you say that "Nenu neeku andhari abbayila laaganey aa ? You moved on as ?" 1.5 year after we broke up.

Ey roju naaku call cheyyani nuvvu thaagi endhuko call chesaavo thelidhu. Endhuku vaaram vaaram appudappudu reels pedthuntavo thelidhu naa meedha antha ishtam lenu non chalant ga behave chesthu. Ayina parledhu ani 18 ella koothuru intiki oka vayasulo comparatively peddha abbayi college ki vellani cinemaavaadini intiki theeskosthe maa parents em analedhu. Guilty ga feel avthunnava nee valla naa life maaripoyi naa parents nannu America ki parcel chesaaru for college ani. Edhokati figure out chesedhaam life lo ani preminchesaa ninnu without thinking about logistics and it’s okay.

Nijam cheppaalante nuvvento naaku thelidhu. Nee traumas and baadhalu or struggles ento thelidhu. You were always in a shell, single line answers tho. Eppudu neney lodaloda vaagadam nee kosam cause you’re introverted. There’s a difference between saying I love you and saying i never said that I don’t like you ani. I don’t know where your relationship issues stemmed from but work on that. I don’t know which of one of the twelve women who you slept with or the three relationships before me hurt you so badly to state that relationships are toxic, but I hope you heal. Heal to find real people in your life, may it be lover or even a friend.

It’s my birthday in 7 days. I know you won’t remember and call me but edho chinna hope that you might call ee saaraina time ki realise avthavani. Poyina year laagq bday ayipoyina tharwaatha bouquet vaddhu. If you don’t call me, I’ll take that as a sign. I’m changing my phone number and cutting some people off life lo nunchi except family and that one bestfriend. Emo vaadu good friend, atleast vaadayina remembered my birthday. 3 years vunnanu ga annavu, vunnadhi nenu nee kosam. Maati maatiki kaapadukunna trying to fix you. Maybe when the right girl comes, you’ll automatically change. Ee saari nuvvu message chesthe neeku nenu kanapadanu. For the love of cinema, aa venditherapai ledhaa or aa behind the scenes production time lo i know we would run into each other. Kaani ippatikaithe selavu.

This week Thursday my final exams are going to end. I cut off my friendship with a guy friend today. I’m done with jokes which cross boundaries ankunta. Oka group project ki my group mates were taking a photo with our professor. I didn’t take the photo, my friend A says to my friend B in his ear about me. B said "That’s rude. It’s good that you didn’t tell her directly". I asked them what they were telling each other. A said "I’ve noticed you don’t take any photos since the start of the semester. Like before after".

I said "What’s before after". He replies "Before you were thin and after you’re fat now". I left that place immediately in 2 minutes. I cut off this friendship.

6 weeks ago, I was eating grilled cheese. That grilled cheese was my only meal that day. He cut me off and said "I notice you eat grilled cheese a lot. That’s a lot of calories". 4 weeks ago he stopped me from grabbing a Twix chocolate. He told me to eat berries that day and that they’re good. 3 weeks ago when I was eating grilled cheese, he said "ew” 5 times. And now today this is what he said. When I say I wanna cut off the friendship. He apologises, asks me not to block him and proceeds to say "Then what. Do you want to go to the next stage ? Boyfriend 😂?". Why do some people pity fat women and that we are desperate for relationships or that we would sleep with every guy?. This is not something to joke about.

One might think this is not a big deal and that he cares about my health. But for me, it was years of suppression about what to eat and not to eat from school to home to relatives. Years of struggling with food, emotional eating and mental stress compounded. When you don’t have any companion in your life, food can be some good company.
I struggled a lot with body image issues due to bullying, sexual harassment, medications for epilepsy + migraines and constant suggestions about how to lose weight. I’ve always been obese and overweight. I’ve always been a loner and that’s okay for me. Andhariki naa thindithoney problem. Intikocchi chaala edchesina, and I just realised
I don’t have to tolerate this anymore.

I don’t care if he thinks I’m overreacting, I don’t care if this becomes new college gossip and if I lose every other friend. It’s not like I’ve had friends chinnapatnunchi, andharu velthuney vuntaru. I’d rather stay a loner, naa prapancham lo naaku chaala aanadham ga vundhi. I don’t know if this was toxic or not, but endhuko I needed to protect myself or I just felt like dying. I didn’t need one more person to make me feel like shit for existing.

let’s get straight to the point

- wear short frocks and body hugging clothes all the time, cause I would be hot as hell 💅🏻 ALSO readymade clothing stores would actually have my size and good fitting designs

- make my fam buy me cute clothes so that I can wear shorts at home and gym sets (lulu lemon and alo)

- get into the modelling industry, maybe sign a contract with elite or IMG or FORD models and move to LA or NYC

- go on a Puerto Rico trip and do bikini photoshoots at the beach with my homies for an insta photo dump

- date hot women, have sex and become lesbian

- join a bouldering gym with akka and go ice skating with her in winters

- join pilates with college friends and play squash or tennis every alternate day