honestly struggling over what
ever since we had to go online, ive been so stressed because of how my school decided to approach things. I had to do multiple pages of assignments at some point with evidences for my igcses ?? sometimes, i had to do two evidences in one day so it would be like 8am till 4pm with a very short break in between the two evidences, and it doesnt help that my subjects are HEAVY on writing. i have a bump on my fingers from them 😭.. there was a point where i didnt get weekends as a break so it was just another day for this long work i have to do.
this burnt me out SO much its ridiculous. sometimes i wish i didnt have audhd so i would not struggle so much with adapting to things like this (but i still find the workload unreasonable).
i know f2f is good and the workload would probably be less?.. but it just is so miserable for me and i dread going there. its already hard for me to focus online with all the pressure (esp from alerts) and the workload. now i might have to be in a class full of people i dread talking to and being around with while doing i dont even know what. i felt somewhat relaxed in some way in online classes because i didnt have to talk to people. people always view me weirdly. im either too "cold", blunt, rude, and aggressive or im too "smart", mature, caring, and straightforward. people in my class genuinely do not care about me until it comes to something i can help them with and man.. but they also get mad when i dont mindlessly side with them on things.
im glad for people who have someone they want to go to school to see. its a blessing to have someone you can socialize with. i dont have anyone i can really socialize with, even outside classes. i do have my family, yes, but its just my mom who has to be out 24/7 due to work even if she has cancer and is just as scared as i am abt the threats. i have little sisters but obvi i cant treat them the way i would w a friend bc theyre MUCH younger. my dad? hes out doing who knows and is ignoring me and my sisters. im not even in good relation with him because of all that he has done and IS WILLING TO DO TO ME.
there was a classmate who i did try talking to but i can clearly see through her and she just DOESNT care about me. she doesnt put effort to listen to anything about me or my interests and tends to switch up depending on who is around. i dont want to be friends with people like that but i dont get why this is what my class is packed with..
i feel silly for just feeling sad that i have to go to school in person again so soon when i dont feel ready for facing the environment in my school, going outside when it feels so unpredictable, and the workload i know my school will give me. my school doesnt seem to view my adhd very seriously because i am "smart" ? but man i just wish theyd spare us a bit with the work.. even just that.
idk i just feel all over the place with everything happening in my life it genuinely burns me out so much idk if i can handle suddenly going back f2f. ill probably delete this later i just wanted to let things out, thanksies