Feeling burned out and defeated
At 14 and 17 both of my children have an official ASD 1 diagnosis. The 17 yo had been tested a decade ago with no diagnosis as they clinician thought there was a chance of growing out of some of the traits that were being demonstrated (ASD was not suspected at all). As time progressed we had little doubt about him being on the spectrum so his diagnosis came as no surprise.
Our 14 yo, also diagnosed ASD 1 and other specified neurodevelopmental disorder, presented very differently and seemingly struggled with anxiety and depression. After one appointment with a psychiatrist she suggested AuDHD could be at play. So with her suspicions and some educational changes we are making, we sought testing.
I have been asked how I feel about them both being diagnosed. And the reality is (and how we spoke to our kids about it) this is just to understand them better so we can get them the accommodations needed and so they can better understand themselves. It doesn't change anything other than now we know. But I will say with my 14 yo, the diagnosis felt validating. Parenting has been so hard and so lonely. Even the friends closest to us don't fully understand. I was accused (mostly jokingly) of character defamation when I would explain what it was like leaving activities when she was in preschool. They found it hard to believe that our polite, friendly, caring, witty kid would have massive meltdowns (lasting hours when she was a toddler). They couldn't believe what a struggle it was to try and prepare her for what was to happen and give warnings about how much time was left before we had to leave, they couldn't believe that as soon as she stepped foot into the house from school that she let all hell break loose. What seemed to be anxiety was causing physical ailments that sent her to the nurse every day. We pulled both kids at different times to homeschool and it really helped in so many ways. We have done co-ops and volunteering and have had flexibility to go places. Well our 14 yo wants to go back to school and we are getting that in order. But I am terrified. I believe she has a PDA profile and the past few years have been especially rough with puberty, her seemingly taking anything corrective in nature as a personal attack, friend difficulties. We are actively working on getting her set up with a new therapist that understands ASD better than the one she currently has. She is such a cool human. Funny and so quick witted. I know I am doing something right as she talks to me about almost all the things (to the point her closest friend tells her to stop telling me everything...to which she says "I'll tell my mom whatever I want")
All of this to say, I'm so tired. I feel so drained, so defeated and so alone even though I have a wonderful partner who is a great dad. I have been navigating 17 years of parenting neurodivergent kids feeling like a failure because I look around at my peers and it seems their parenting experience is so different (like I missed something and am making this harder than it needs to be). I know every person/families experience is different and that we don't see the struggles of others neurodivergent or neurotypical. I remember crying at a friend's house when my 17 yo was about 7 because he just didn't fit in with her kid and a neighbor kid collectively (one on one our kids were fine together) and I was worried that he would always be ridiculed for it. Pulling him out of public school when we did was the right decision. His mental health improved and we have a kid who overall is confident in who he is, what he likes, and doesn't seem to care if others find his interests strange.
So yeah, i know this is all word vomit and probably a convoluted mess. I am just so overwhelmed at what the next steps in all this is going to look like and very few in my limited circle have an idea of what it is like.