AITA for refusing to send my 4yo autistic, nonverbal son to his dad's house after a severe medical emergency, even though I desperately need a break?
Background:
I share unofficial 50/50 custody (no court order, just an agreement we made) of my 4-year-old son, who is autistic and nonverbal. Because he is nonverbal, he cannot tell us if he is hurting or struggling to breathe. I am the default parent and carry 100% of the mental, medical, and dental load. My ex has a history of dropping his parenting responsibilities whenever he needs to "get his life together," leaving me to do everything by myself with zero support from him or his family.
The Incident:
I was scheduled to pick up my son from his dad’s house to take him somewhere for his 4th birthday. Right before I arrived, my ex texted to ask if our son had any allergies, but didn't explain why. When my ex brought him out to the car, my son's face was terrifyingly swollen, and one of his eyes was completely swollen shut.
My ex and his girlfriend (who works in the medical field) didn't take him to the hospital, didn't call me, and didn't seem panicked. My ex said he just gave him Benadryl, "cleaned him up, took him outside for fresh air, and waited for it to go down."
I immediately took him to the hospital. The Benadryl wasn't enough; they had to give him steroids to stop the reaction. We found out it was a severe allergic reaction to dog hair.
What makes this even more heartbreaking is the blatant double standard. My ex and his girlfriend have a 1-year-old son together, and they are incredibly attentive and protective of him. I asked my ex point-blank: if your 1-year-old's face had swelled up like that, would you have just waited around, or would you have rushed him to the hospital? He hesitated and told me "he didn't know." My 4-year-old was left to sit in pain and suffer.
The Current Conflict:
Here is the problem: my ex's household has a dog.
When I finally got him on the phone, he was incredibly defensive. He said I shouldn't hold this against him because "it only happened one time." He vaguely made it seem like he just won't have our son around the dog, but I have no idea how to trust that.His only actual "solution" was to tell me to just send my son's emergency medicine over during his custody weeks.
When I asked him to at least send me a daily picture of my son's face while he is over there so I can monitor the swelling myself, he got a massive attitude and acted like I was being unreasonable.
My Dilemma:
Today is our scheduled switch day. My anxiety is screaming at me not to send my nonverbal child back to a house where he had a severe allergic reactionespecially with a parent who refuses to take medical emergencies seriously and expects to just medicate him instead.However, I am completely running on empty. I work hard, I am emotionally and physically drained, and I desperately need the mental break
AITA if I completely withhold visitation and blow up our 50/50 schedule until he can definitively prove his house is medically safe, even if it means I get zero breaks?