I would give another life of ‘us’ if you asked me now. My biggest fantasy is one where I am scrolling through the Unsent Letters reading every detail of every story that sounded even the least relevant to our last interaction or parts of our relationship that only you and I would recognize. We find each other, we talk like adults, we get closure from our conversations. We begin to get closer. Like when we first started talking online sooo many years ago. At this point it feels like another lifetime - and though the years and mistakes have made me realize more and more how short life really is, and how special love can make us feel, and how truly wonderful it is to be with someone who you know loves you and you love them. How you both recognize the love you have for one another just by looking into the other’s eyes.
The intimate moments, not sexual, but the closeness, the connection, the bond formed over deep conversations while holding one another or speaking on the phone a continent away - missing one another.
I miss it.
I don’t even feel human anymore because I’m heavily medicated from the trauma I’ve encountered and all the problems I have that, honestly, likely won’t ever resolve. I’ll be like this for the rest of my life until I start the decline into old age, which isn’t far off btw.
I feel like I’ve wasted my life because I did not take care of the last love I encountered and shared. No, not me, I actually destroyed it. Then years after that I had to do something else that was off the rails and was able to make it even worse. I guess I just needed to be sure that you’d never come back to me - not in a million lifetimes. The self sabotage is unreal.
I see now that I have never felt worthy of love. I would almost immediately discount anything said in a loving way or even a direct, loving statement.
I know there is no chance of us ever even seeing each other, let alone talking, or getting closure. I guess I scared you off last time, for good.
I know that if I ever was to talk with you again I would fumble up what my heart wanted to say and so you would instantly start to doubt my credibility.
So I won’t ever try again. Not while I am alive. It’s hard to think that I won’t ever see you again because of what I did and said. It saddens me greatly.
I won’t ever be allowed to see you or say I’m sorry or tell you I miss you. By now, we’re such different people but inside I guess we both may feel ‘like ourselves, as we always have’ but outside, we express ourselves differently, we’re much older too. I know of at least one relationship you’ve been in after us that has failed. Though, I do admit to looking you up then, I don’t really ‘look’ for you anymore. From time to time I come back to this sub and read letters in the off-chance I stumble on you trying to reach out to me.
It’s silly, I know but it’s just something I wonder about sometimes. I sometimes wonder how you are now, what you would say if you saw me, what you would ask of me. It’s only something that pops into my head every 8 months or so and I read for the breadcrumbs I hope to find one day.
It’s like hoping for the loot that has next to impossible rate to drop. Well, this loot’s chance or dropping is literally zero, and I still occasionally have hope when I look. It’s the closest I’ll ever be to you again.
So I’ll rest with that hope and forget it by tomorrow until another 8 months go by…