How should I [36f] react to husband [40m] suddenly Zoom-calling with his ex
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAhbndex121343
How should I [36f] react to husband [40m] suddenly Zoom-calling with his ex
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity!<
Original Post July 31, 2020
Background: He and I have been together about 15 years. Lately I feel like we've been growing apart. Nothing major, I just feel like he kind of forgets I exist. He's always working and I'm not really a priority to him, and now with the covid since we're at home together all the time he feels like we do spend time together even though it's mostly watching TV at night or eating lunch over the sink together. This is not the first time I have sensed this distance between us.
Current issue: My husband has remained good friends with his ex-gf for probably 20 years, before my time. I am not a huge fan of their friendship, but he insists on keeping it so I just usually let it go because he doesn't listen or respect my opinion, anyway. She's married and lives far away, so as far as I'm aware they only interact on social media every now and then.
Today at lunch he told me that he was jumping on a Zoom call with her. As far as I know, this is the first time they've spoken face-to-face since they broke up 20 years ago. He has now been in this zoom call for two hours and counting. Apparently she also has this online conference thing she's hosting tonight and he told me he's gonna tune into that, too.
I also found out that she had a conference the night before last. That night he was in his home office working really late, but now I wonder if he "attended" that conference, too, without telling me. I feel like I should talk to him about how I feel but am I overreacting?
At lunch when he told me about today's Zoom call, he asked if it was okay with me in kind of an annoyed tone, and I almost laughed out loud. Instead I just shrugged and asked if what i thought even mattered. We both knew that he'd do whatever he wanted whether i was okay with it or not. I know if I broach the subject I'll just look like the tiresome jealous wife but am I justified here? I really can't tell anymore.
tl;dr Husband is on zoom call with his ex. I'm not a big fan of this and am unsure of whether I should even be upset about it. How should I react? Should I just let it go?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
cruyff8
> "Nothing major, I just feel like he kind of forgets I exist" > > This is never a good sign. > > "My husband has remained good friends with his ex-gf for probably 20 years" > > I'm on speaking terms with most of my exes too, so far I don't see anything wrong with it. > > "without telling me." > > Beginning to see the problem here. It does read like a business thing. Is said ex in sales or something similar to that where she would be having regular online webinars? > > Would you feel more comfortable if you were invited to sit in on the web conference as well? > > "Should I just let it go?" > > Not necessarily. If it's a sales call, the objective is to get as many people to hear the pitch as possible. Therefore it could be useful to her to have you sit in as well. If it's a regularly-scheduled catch-up call with old friends, you may be bored, but it won't cause any harm to the conversation to have you in the room.
OOP
>> It's definitely not a sales call or anything business related. They are in totally unrelated fields. "Conference" sounds businessy but it's like a livestream with a few different people, but I know he's watching it tonight because she's in it. >> >> You have some good ideas but I know he would never let me sit in on a call and honestly I'd feel really weird doing that, too.
cruyff8
>>> "I know he would never let me sit in on a call' >>> >>> Is this from experience or projection? >>> >>> "I'd feel really weird doing that, too." >>> >>> You could say you were lonely and think that it would be nice if you heard more voices other than his and the one between your ears. Further assure him that it will make you a better wife if you're state of general happiness is increased.
OOP
>>>>I just know him and he would laugh in my face. He is extremely particular about his privacy.
~
alexvsclarity
>I think you’re entitled to feeling this way. Marriage, at least in my life is an honest partnership. Maybe you can try and address the distance more and express to him that you’re kind of feeling like you’re feelings and opinions do not matter. The best thing you could do for your marriage and mainly yourself is speak to your husband about how you’re feeling. If he’s not willing to listen to accept your feelings then maybe you both will have to address a larger issue. 💕.
OOP
>>You are right. I guess I just need to talk to him. We both hate confronting issues because nothing ever changes. I know I need to talk to him, though.
OOP added how she knows the affair isn't physical
>She lives hundreds of miles away, anyway. I at least know that if anything is happening it's not physical yet.
Update - rareddit Aug 7, 2020 (1 week later)
Just wanted to let everyone know that my husband was in fact cheating on me. He's been having an emotional affair with his ex that's stretched over years.
He confessed the day after I posted the original. We are now headed toward divorce after 15 good (well, I thought so, anyway) years together.
Trust your intuition.
And to everyone who told me I was just not being "confident enough" or that I was being "jealous," please go fuck yourselves. Thank you.
Edit: Thank you everyone for being so nice. It means so much. To answer a few questions...
he loves her and has said repeatedly that if forced to choose he will choose her, so no, no reconciliation on the horizon
emotional affair = no physical contact but an intimate emotional involvement with romantic intentions
Yeah, I messaged the ex's husband with all the details
but I'm not sure if it got caught in his spam filter or notand he read it. Apparently he is fine with it because they are not splitting upShe told my husband a couple weeks ago she also had longtime feelings for him and after that they were sexting, so it did have a sexual element
they've been online pals in regular contact for at least 7 years, and he always refused to stop talking to her
FINAL COMMENTS
turnturnburn 5905
> There's no way this won't taint your memories of your relationship, the good and the bad. But don't forget, you are the person you are today because of those experiences so if you ever start to doubt yourself or feel like you've "wasted" that time, remember he's the one that wasted it. You get to walk away from this knowing you chose to care for yourself..and he's always going to know that he fucked up and that you know the real him. > > Keep your head high. It sucks, but you got this!
OOP
>>Thanks, that helps because I have been thinking I kind of wasted that time, but I like what you said here.
~
xosomeblonde
>I'm sorry you're going through this, but good for you trusting your gut and getting out of this relationship! You deserve so much better!
OOP
>>Thank you. I am scared of what's next but I also feel stronger each day.
Witoothewhite
>>> I guess it could feel super cliche at this point, but there is great insight what Dolores said in Westworld: >>> >>> The pain, their loss... it's all I have left of them. You think the grief will make you smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn't. I feel spaces opening up inside of me, like a building with rooms I've never explored. >>> >>> Good luck girl, there's a brand new life waiting for you.
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