Help with Bonding with New Cat
Hi everyone!
TLDR: I adopted/rescued a previously entirely outdoor cat and don’t feel a bond with her. I worry that indoor life isn’t for her, or that I’m not the person for her.
Long story: about a month ago, I came across a Facebook post of this woman who was looking to find a home for this cat she’d been caring for. This cat had apparently been wandering around her neighborhood for a year or so being fed by neighbors. Eventually, she was able to build some trust with the cat (feeding her, building an outdoor house, etc) and took the cat to the vet/shelter. Turns out the shelter ended up dumping her to make room for new kittens without consulting the woman caring for her. I believe this happened a couple of times at different shelters in our area. Animal control was even called to the neighborhood by a neighbor. Kitty was also pregnant, had a litter, and was spayed. Suffice it to say, she’d been through a lot.
I reached out, met the cat, and took her home that same day. Important to know: I’ve had cats my entire life. My parents have 5 cats now, and I adore all of them. I was a pet sitter for a while, my mom had a non-profit organization helping with local cat colonies, etc. So, I’m familiar with cats and all their quirks. I didn’t feel an overt bond with this kitty when I met her, but I felt like I couldn’t turn away from her knowing she needed a safe, patient home that I could provide.
The first week, she hid throughout my apartment. She likes hiding in this empty box under my bed. I would sit near her and talk to her, and she would just listen but was clearly scared. I was also torn up inside about my decision: I felt such immense regret and was like what did I just do, but I knew I made this choice and I didn’t want to become just another person who abandoned her. She went to the vet that week and was diagnosed with chronic cystitis and possible feline herpes (she had a respiratory infection when I met her), but was otherwise healthy. After a litter box change (one with tall sides), no accidents have happened since. I got her a tall cat tree, lots of toys, and have made sure she can sit on my windowsills during the day.
Despite all this, she still hides most of the day. I leave food out for her in the morning, but she doesn’t come out from the box to eat until the evening when I’ve gone to sleep. I’ve started taking some dry food to her hiding spot in the morning so that she eats a little something and leave the wet food out near her water bowel; she still doesn’t come out until the evening to eat the wet food though. She also has no idea how to play. Talking with the person who was looking after her, turns out kitty had never lived indoors, never played, and never had any toys. Now, she’s living only indoors (I live in an apartment and can’t let her out due to the highly trafficked area). I’ve tried to play with her some, but it just scares and overwhelms her.
Over time, she started sitting a little further out of the box each day. This past week, she started actually coming out of the box to roll around, take a bath, and sit near me while I was laying on the floor. She eventually started rolling onto my arms and seemed like she wanted pets. She seems to really want to be pet, but gets really overwhelmed and can’t regulate herself once she gets overwhelmed so she bites, lunges, or hisses. I’ve stopped trying to pet her directly and just let her rub on me on her terms which seems to help. She still bites some, but at that point I just calmly distance myself or remove myself if it seems like she’s getting too stressed. She’s also started to display some aggression around her food and her box (that she hides in). If I give her a treat and move my hand a little too fast, she wants to bite, lunge, or hiss. I picked up some fur off the floor near her hiding place/box and she ended up also lunging and hissing at me. I do the same calm distancing or removing routine to help calm her down and show her I’m not a threat, and that seems to help.
Just yesterday, she surprised me by coming out of hiding and eating her dinner in front of me while I sat on the couch. Then, she actually came over and ended up sitting on me. She did eventually bite when it seemed to get overwhelming, but it was very big progress for her.
The issue: I don’t feel any sort of bond for her. I care for her and her wellbeing, I want her to be happy, and I’m so excited with the progress she’s been making. But, I don’t feel any love or bond with her like I have with other cats. She still doesn’t feel like my cat; she feels more like a foster or like a friend’s cat than mine. When she does want affection from me, it doesn’t strike up anything in me besides happiness that she’s comfortable doing it; it also is almost too much affection, we went from nothing to her sitting on me, licking me, rubbing on me, etc. and it’s almost overwhelming to me. I’m starting to feel so guilty and scared, and I just don’t know what to do. I want her to be happy, and I don’t want to be another human who hurts her or abandons her, but I’m so lost.
I’m also concerned that she misses the outdoors and doesn’t like being trapped in an apartment. The person who took care of her before said that she never bit and was just a sweet cat, that the emotional overwhelming behavior I’ve seen never happened. I wonder if part of that is because before she could run away whenever she wanted to. It’s hard because she’s a stray who lived the first 2-3 years of her life outdoors with no socialization. I’ve noticed her staring out the windows a lot; she looks the most engaged I’ve ever seen her when she’s looking outside. She also startles a ton at any noise in the apartment. She hates hearing the neighbors or any other loud noises.
I’m just so lost. Everyone in my life says that it’s only been a little over a month and that things will happen with time, and while I know it takes at least 3 months for a cat to settle in, I just don’t know what to expect when I don’t feel any bond with her. Deep down, I just feel like a foster parent to her than anything. I’m also wondering if a life in a more rural area where she could go inside and outside as she pleases would be better for her personality. Any guidance anyone has would be appreciated! I know this is all me rambling, so sorry about that, I’m just so confused and could use any advice. Thank you!