TLDR: after seeing lots of videos on AuDHD and realizing I'm AuDHD, I got an online assessment for AuDHD. The psychologist asked tons of ADHD questions and then asked why I thought I had Asperger's. I hadn't put my observations down so I couldn't tell him quickly and in a tired state from all the ADHD questions. He asked about things I didn't want to open up on which made me mask and he diagnosed me with ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder. For the next year I wrote down all my difficulties that I thought were connected with autism. I gave these to another psychologist and did an in person comprehensive assessment. My 9.5 page document on the issues I thought were connected to autism was super helpful for him and now I'm diagnosed AuDHD with generalized anxiety disorder and I feel like I understand myself so much better and no longer put myself down telling myself, "why are you so stupid?" Now I feel good about myself and have accepted myself as a person trying his best, not as a failure.
Long version: So about a year and a half ago I saw a video on signs you might have ADHD and scored myself according to the criteria and landed firmly in probable ADHD. This led me down the rabbit hole of self reflection and acceptance of probably having ADHD.
About six weeks later a video popped up on signs you may be AuDHD and after watching it I felt like I had been hit by a truck. So many things made so much sense to me. I immediately took in as much information about comorbid autism and ADHD as possible. Convinced that I had both and would possibly benefit from ADHD medication, I set up a Zoom virtual appointment with an older private practice psychologist that is well known and has multiple videos of interviews on comorbid ADHD and what he still refers to as Asperger's.
During the assessment, it was basically a ton of questions about my past and difficulties with ADHD related issues. After hundreds of questions about ADHD over around an hour and a half of the three hour session, he said it was about time for a break but before the break he asked me one question, "why do you think you have Asperger's?"
I was worn out from all of the ADHD questions and had expected a similar amount of questions related to autism but was taken back by this simple question and had no specific answer for him. I hadn't set up a list of all my issues that I believed to be related to autism. I figured he would ask all the questions like he did for ADHD. This would not be the case. Over the 10 minute break period I frantically searched through some notes I had made and tried to look through his book on ADHD and Asperger's that I had read before the appointment for examples but could not because of my tired mental state and the limited time to put my thoughts together.
After the break I tried to explain but probably did a really bad job of it and then he got into unsafe topics for me which made me shut down and start masking. In the end, he diagnosed me with combined type ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder. I knew I had ADHD and I knew that I was socially anxious, I just didn't know that it was to the point of being clinically diagnosed. I felt a lot of impostor syndrome, however, I still felt that my issues were better explained by autism.
Over the next year, every time a memory or difficulty came up that I viewed as possibly stemming from autism, I wrote it down in my phone. I scheduled an appointment with another psychologist that I found on YouTube that has a small channel but talks about neurodiversity in a positive way and that explains how comorbid autism and ADHD affect people and how to navigate different situations. He was close enough that I could take a small road trip and see him in person.
Before the comprehensive evaluation that was going to take 6-7 hours, I took all of my notes from my phone and reorganized them. I hadn't read everything from top to bottom until that point and there were multiple topics that I had written down multiple times. After compiling everything into distinct subheadings of difficulties, I had a 9.5 page 12 point single spaced document.
When I went in for this comprehensive evaluation, the atmosphere was welcoming and the psychologist made me feel welcome to ask for him to turn a light off that bothered me, lower the blinds to reduce the glare coming off of the clouds through the window, warm the cool room up and ask to not go into depth on a topic I didn't want to go into. It was a long process with a lot of questions, an IQ test, and screeners for other possible conditions. After 6 hours with multiple breaks he told me that I definitely have ADHD combined type and also 100% am autistic.
The social anxiety I feel is more from sensory issues and needing to know what will be happening to be able to prepare mentally for the situation more than Social Anxiety Disorder which is a mental health issue where you constantly think people are judging you and hate you. He also diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder because of my panic attacks that I get when I get too much on my plate or when I allow people to add more and more to it.
The process of understanding myself through so much content on social media has been super helpful to me to realize that I'm not broken or just awful at life, I'm just wired differently. I have two scientifically recognized neurodevelopmental disabilities that I've been living with for decades without knowing it. For decades I would tell myself, "why are you so stupid?" I told myself this so many times, sometimes many times a day. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do things that were seemingly easy for other people. I couldn't understand why making friends was so difficult or having conversations was so difficult. Nobody was putting really high expectations on me but I could see the discrepancy between what I could do and what I saw other people doing. Now if I start ruminating I tell myself, "you're ruminating. Stop it. You're ok, you're just wired differently from other people."
Self identification and a proper professional diagnosis have helped my mental health so much. For those that don't have thousands of dollars to be able to get an assessment, dig deep into the issues you face and do research on autism and ADHD and watch videos on social media of people who are licensed professionals to see if things line up. Videos from diagnosed AuDHDers are also very helpful but may contain misinformation or things not related to AuDHD that are just life experiences.
If you can't afford an assessment, know that self identification is valid and can help you to understand yourself better and can help you give yourself permission to love yourself for who you are, to stop hating yourself because you just think you're bad at life. If you can get assessed, beware of online assessments and psychologists that use outdated terminology or who look at autism and ADHD more as disabilities than through a neurodiversity lens.
After the first online assessment I kind of thought I was crazy thinking I was autistic and had extreme impostor syndrome even though everything was pointing towards me being autistic. Having my homework done before my in person assessment was helpful in expediting the process. My psychologist said that he didn't have to ask me a bunch of questions because the answers were already written down so he could just go off of them.
An in person assessment is very helpful because he picked up on things like my poor eye contact (I stare at people because I was taught, "look at me when I'm talking to you") and I don't know when to look away or come back to make the person feel like I'm paying attention. He noticed my volume falling off multiple times as I talked. I didn't notice it at all but it's something my mom calls me out on a lot.
Please do your research on a psychologist before going in for an assessment. There are bad ones out there that will take your $1500, try to go into things you don't feel comfortable talking about, and trivialize your feelings on something that you really believe without going deeper than one question you weren't prepared for. There are also great ones out there that are kind, accommodating, and really dig through things but who are willing to not go into things you don't want to get into to make you feel like you're in a safe space. In any case, as you research your difficulties, write them down as you go and provide that information to your diagnostician so that the most accurate diagnosis can be reached.
I really appreciate this community and the memes in it that have helped me to understand my CatDog brain. I've accepted it, embraced myself mentally, and no longer hate myself. Now I know I'm not broken, a failure, or bad at life, I'm just AuDHD. 🐱🐶
Any questions or personal experiences are welcome :)