Throwaway account because I want to keep things anonymous.
TL;DR My boyfriend has anger issues and finds satisfaction in breaking things. He never has been violent towards me, but I am wondering if I am able to help him and how, and if this is safe for me.
Me (20F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been in a relationship for two years. This is my first serious relationship and his too and this is why I really want to hear advice before making a decision about what to do/how to approach things.
My boyfriend has always been adorable to me. I used to say he was a green forest because he had plenty of green flags. He loves(d?) animals, he takes care of me, he gives me flowers and gifts often, my family likes him. He's overall a great person. He has never threatened me directly, or agued violently with me at all.
He is quite extraverted, yet I always have been the one to take the first steps. I'm also extroverted too so this wasn't much of a problem, considering this our first serious relationship and I have had a little more experience than him.
However, recently, I have felt a shift in how I see him.
For some context, we have been semi-long distance for a while. We mostly see each other during holidays and on every other weekends.
My boyfriend shared with me that he often got the urge to destroy things when he got angry. He says that his anger appears quickly and very intensely sometimes, and that during these times, he wants to destroy/break things. It can happen because of very small things that frustrate him, he even is aware of it most times. For example, we were once going to a cat cafe, and there was too many people so we could not enter. This frustrated him a lot and he kept complaining and rambling but like *intensely*. Saying things like "it never goes how I want." His anger also rises the same way with bigger, more understandable reasons.
I suggested multiple times that he sought therapy for it, and also other things that were consituting a toxic environnement for him (family issues etc...), as I go myself to therapy. The first time I talked to him about this was probably around October.
He always seemed not very interested in the prospect. Not really against it, but not really wanting it either.
Though, the first thing that raised some worry on my part was when he texted me something along the lines of "I just want to hit [something?], I'm fed up with being proper/calm" to which I suggested he tried combat sports as I thought that was a way to redirect and control that urge. He has not started yet but is motivated by the idea. Which I think is good, if only he wasn't so much more motivated by it than by going to see a therapist.
Today (May) he has told me that after a particularly bad day, he broke his sun visor in his car because it bumped his head.
The discussion went like this :
Me : "Did you really break it?"
Him : "Yes but it's alright, I stopped at the last minute because I thought of my windshield"
"It's not that serious"
Me : "Well, it sort of is. That's still anger excess"
Him : "That's true"
Me : "Maybe you should go see a therapist"
Him : "Maybe"
It left me thinking all evening. I reconsidered all the times he had voiced the want to break things which is a red flag to me, even more considered my own father is hotheaded and this is something I truly do not like.
[TW : Animal Cruelty]
>! Moreover, I remembered about something that had really troubled me a year ago but that I thought we had gotten over. Indeed, he sent me one evening a video of him, and his friend, let's call him Jack, playing with a dead rabbit. Jack was running around with something off of which hanged the dead rabbit, and my boyfriend was filming him, both of them laughing. 🤢 I clearly told him I wasn't comfortable with this AT ALL, and he apologized and said it would not happen again. !<
Which leads me to talk about his friends. Most of them I don't know much, some I do. His highschool ones are fine, great people. Though the ones he has met in University are something else. Jack is one of them. They talk badly about women, even when I'm there.
One time, one of them had flirted with one of my friends, and it led to nothing from what I know of. Though, he said "that she had been ran through by many men anyways". I of course was revolted and stood up for her, telling him he couldn't speak about her or women in general this way. My boyfriend laughed at first when the guy said it. Now, when they still speak badly about women, he doesn't add to it (at least when I'm here?), but doesn't stop them either.
I told him I disliked these friends. However, I believe he can choose his own friends. But that does make me reflect on who he is compared to who I thought he was.
Though, I do want to note that he has never been destructive around me. I've seen him contain his anger whilst we were together. In addition to this, he seems very calm when you meet him. Even in arguments, he's not at all aggressive towards me.
However, I do feel like our arguments kind of always follow the same pattern. I'm always the one to communicate about a problem in our relationship (it happens like once every two month, not that often). He always listen carefully. When I ask him about how does he feel about it, he does not tell me about how he feels himself about the situation. Just tells me he's conscious of what I said. I ask him a few more times, wondering if maybe I'm asking too much of him. He then doubles down, saying that he knows he's not doing enough, and that he doesn't deserve me. Recently, it also usually ends in him crying because he feels bad. It makes me feel even worse for raising these issues in the first place.
He has also said word for word "I'm conscious I feel a large satisfaction when I break things. It is bad enough."
Tonight he has agreed to go to therapy after I've remembered him it was reimbursed for students in my country, but I feel like he's doing it because I'm a little freaked off and have told him about it multiple times, rather than because he wants to go. Why would he have not gone before if not? I feel like I'm overreacting, but my wish is for him to have tools to handle his emotions better, not for him to go to please me/keep me as his girlfriend.
Now, what I'm wondering is : is this situation something that can be navigated through? And how possibly can I help if it is? I have many doubts about our relationship now. I feel way more invested in it than him, but it is also only my perspective. I also think there are orange/red flags there, but I'm not sure if it something I should work through with him or leave him before it gets bad with me too.
Please do not rush to "leave him!!". I'm genuinely asking for advice with an open mind there. I may be biased but I think I have done the most I could to be objective.
Thank you all for reading this long text. 🙏