I 24F have been in a relationship with my boyfriend 27M for around 7 years, and I genuinely don’t know whether I should go back to him or walk away for good.
My boyfriend emotionally destroyed me for years, but now he’s changed completely and I don’t know whether walking away is the biggest mistake of my life or the only thing saving me
This was my first relationship. I met him when I was 17 and he was around 20. In the beginning, I loved him more than anything. For the first year or two, things felt beautiful and intense and safe. I genuinely thought I found my person.
Then slowly everything changed.
I don’t even know how to explain what those years did to me without sounding dramatic, but it honestly felt like living in a war zone emotionally. He cheated on me multiple times, emotionally and sexually. He lied constantly. He gaslit me until I stopped trusting my own memory and feelings. He would disappear, block me for days or weeks, punish me with silence, flirt with other women, and somehow still make me feel like I was the one failing him.
I became addicted to him in a way that honestly scares me to think about now.
I apologized for crying. I apologized for asking if he loved me. I apologized for reacting to things that would break most people. Every time I tried to leave, he would suddenly become loving again and pull me back in. He used to slut shame me, accuse me of cheating, check my phone and go through random chats on my phone, even once told me I can go sleep with boys in my class because I am a slut. He had romantic attraction towards his own first cousin. I started feeling like I couldn’t survive without him even though being with him was destroying me.
Eventually I started self harming because I genuinely didn’t know what else to do with all the pain. I would hurt myself just to feel some kind of release or control. Around the 5th year of our relationship, I attempted to end my life. I survived, but barely. I was hospitalized for days.
And the worst part is… even that didn’t break the trauma bond.
While I was recovering, he promised me everything would change. He told me he realized how badly he hurt me and that he would never cheat or abandon me again.
Less than two weeks later, I found out he had started seeing another girl and was physically intimate with her while I was still recovering.
I don’t even think I can properly describe what that did to me mentally. I think something inside me just shut down after that. I stopped feeling like a real person for a while.
But weirdly, a few months later, for the first time in years, I slowly started detaching from him emotionally. We stopped talking for months, which had never happened before. I actually started moving on. I started feeling like maybe I could exist without him.
Then he came back.
And this is where everything becomes confusing.
Because this time… he really did seem different.
For the past 1 to 1.5 years, he has treated me better than he ever did before. He admitted his mistakes, apologized sincerely, stopped talking to other women, became affectionate, emotionally supportive, consistent, patient, serious about marriage, involved his family, everything. We were even long distance because he moved abroad for work, but he still put effort into us every single day.
Sometimes it feels like he became the exact opposite of the person who destroyed me.
We barely had any fights. He treated me gently. He supported me emotionally and financially.
A few months ago, I got a demanding new job and also started therapy. My therapist believes the relationship was severely abusive and advised me to stay away from him for a few months before making any permanent decision, just to see who I am without him emotionally influencing me.
So I’ve been no contact with him for around 2 months now. Now I don’t know which version of him is real. And that’s what’s ruining my brain.
He keeps trying to reach me through. Part of me misses him horribly and wonders if I’m abandoning someone who genuinely changed. Another part of me is terrified that, one day the old version of him will return and I won’t survive it this time.
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.
Can someone really change after years of being abusive?
Would you trust someone after all of this?
Am I walking away from the love of my life, or am I finally escaping something that almost killed me?