I love my boyfriend, but I feel emotionally neglected. We havent been together too long, roughly 2 months. But I tend to feel like im more of a burden to him than anything else. Also for context, were both boys. Im 4 years younger than him. This will probably be a long rant, so ill put a tldr at the bottom.
Im only coming onto here to talk about it because I am scared to discuss anything like this with him. I want to and plan on trying to, but dont even know how to approach it due to his previous responses on me trying to talk about anything like this. Most of the time (not all times, just most) he tends to get angry upset if I voice that I feel anxious or that im worried he will grow to dislike me and leave. I know its annoying, and ive genuinely been working on myself, but sometimes even just him telling me how much he loves me and appreciates me, it helps. Thats part of my insecurity. He doesnt really tell me how much he loves me and everything. If im lucky, at night when going to bed, he will say he loves me first. I normally am the one to say it. When we first met in person and everything, he wanted to do all the cuddling and HE said he loves me first. He also kissed me first. He was way more... into the idea of us. But it seems he may be losing interest, idk... anyways
I cant tell if him not saying I love you a lot is normal tho. We are long distance (around 8 hours) and ive seen him 2 times since we started dating. And while in person theres usually no problems, I cant help but feel like im not exactly helping him in any way. Emotionally or anything. There are some reasons for me to worry about if im even a fit for him or not. Im more into constant lovey dovey stuff. I like to cuddle a LOT and hold hands and kiss and blahblahblah. I love sending texts through the day that are just saying how much I miss them and love him... but some days im lucky if I get a response in 3 hours. Now I wouldnt be worried since he has a hard job. But compared to when we first met, I guess its just... concerning. He would respond all the time and I know for a fact that he does get on his phone at work. So I guess its just a lil upsetting when ill send a "i love you", and 2 or three hours will go by, and his only response ends up being "ugh I hate work" or "today has been the worst". He is also always separating me from him. Anytime something is needing done and im having trouble, he reminds me that im the only one that can do it, noone else, noone is here with me to do it or help me. It just adds to me feeling alone. And whenever I try to provide advice or help him feel better about something, he says that I dont understand and tends to just start getting annoyed. I know im not great with advice, but I just dont want him to feel alone or anything. He also is VERY hesitant to show up together out in public. His family doesnt know were together and I dont know if he plans on telling them. I remember one time we kinda talked about it and he said he doesnt know if he can ever tell his dad. He said the reason why was because "hes my dad". No elaboration or anything. He just kept saying that over and over. Its not that he doesnt do nice things for me, which is what confuses me. Like when I visited, he knows im not in a great financial position and he paid for everything which was nice, but money isn't what im wanting. I want him to hug me randomly and kiss me without me initiating it. I want him to cuddle me on the couch instead of me asking to cuddle on the couch since he wouldn't even try to. I often feel more like a glorified friend than anything else. Something that made me sad today was that when he got off work, he didnt text me at all until an hour after he got off. The drive home is roughly 25 minutes for him, not an hour. Im just feeling so alone. He has internet at work, and service for the whole drive, yet he wasnt even concerned with responding to me before coming home or telling me he was on his way. I really love him but why? Why is he so distant? Yesterday he only wanted to watch videos and today he only wanted to watch videos. He maybe said 100 words to me before falling asleep on call. I voiced how much I love him before falling asleep since today I have been more afraid of losing him than ever, and I wont say his response, but it wasnt great. He didnt respond with anything like "I really love you too", it was more a silly response than anything. And I didnt just say "oh I love you so much". It was like a whole monologue about how I feel, met with a short response that didnt even feel like he cared. Ill try to balance out the bad with the good though because he has had redeeming qualities. The best day I had with him was really really fun. I ended up getting drunk that night after we played arcade games, and when we got back to his apartment he helped me get in bed and everything, and I remember him telling me how much he cares about me. It made me feel loved. I cant explain how it made me feel about him, but it was good. I want that from him more. I want him to feel like he can be next to me and be him self. I just want him, I love him so much. I just want him to be happy with me. Hes so stressed all of the time and I dont want him to feel that. I want him to be as happy as I am with him, but the way he talks, hes still miserable in life. I havent helped at all. Hes older than me, so I feel like he sees me more like a kid rather than a capable adult. Yes I am silly around him, which may come off as stupid. But I have very real feelings and dreams and im trying to make them real, same as him.
Ive also had other fears of him cheating or anything. He swears that if he got tired of me he would just leave, but that still doesnt eliminate that fear. He works 12 hour shifts (pain I know, thats one of the reasons I think some of my thoughts are stupid. Like ofc hes gonna be tired after work, so would i) but anyways he works 12 hour shifts and I saw one day in a text message from a coworker named Kam a heart. He asked Kam a question about where he bought a certain gun, Kam answered, he said thank you, and then Kam sent a heart. Am I overreacting? Is that weird? I dont know. It felt weird to see. Plus hes a biker and I know that they all are friends (to some extent) and all rode bikes together. Plus some of the guys there are kinda younger/his age. Specially one that he described to me. He said he was around his age. I doubt gay or bisexual... but my thoughts instantly went to "maybe hes being so distant now because Kam is the younger guy and theyre kinda getting all flirty and hes losing interest in me". Now im mentally freaking out and not sure how to clear this thought. It just strikes me as weird that Kam would send a heart. He showed me their messages and it didnt look like there was anything bad (but he also scrolled through fairly quickly), but what upset me was that when I said "who's kaaaaam?" Jokingly, he didnt respond and seemed to almost ignore that I spoke. Then I asked again out of worry which maybe wasnt right but at that point I felt nervous. It took a 3rd time of asking before he (annoyed) decided he would open the messages. From the way the messages appeared, they hadn't really messaged a lot. But... idk maybe im just crazy. I guess I just feel emotionally ignored at times and like im just here to keep him company until he finds someone better. Theres been so many times he instantly assumes were having an argument if I ask if were okay. I know its annoying but sometimes that reassurance really helps me. Just to hear him say that he loves me and were okay and that he wont leave. But he never says those things unless it late at night. He says that theres nothing else I can do to be better, but I want to. I feel like he grows further everyday. And im not even saying I wont break it off with him, its more like I really love him and dont want it to reach a point where our relationship is more stress than love. Because right now, emotionally, I feel im doing the heavy lifting. I initiate the cuddles, I kiss him, I consistently tell him I love him, I hold him at night. He claims he finds me to be a extremely attractive boy, but it feels like he doesnt back anything he says up with action. If I say im worried he ls growing apart, his response is usually something along the lines of "are you crazy? Like actually are you insane? You are always thinking like this" and it just makes me feel invalid. I love him and want nothing more for things to be okay, but I dont know if I can keep doing this with him. I will drive 8 hours every month if it means I can see him, and he claims he wants to do the same, but then he seems so distant at every other moment, like hes tired of existing near me. Is it me? Is it the world? I just want to help him, but he separates me so far from everything that allows me to remind him how hes not alone. And he doesnt seem interested in pulling me in closer. Thats what scares me. Anyways thank you reading it if you did. Sorry if there are any typos, I tried to find all of them.
Tldr: boyfriend of 2 months, were gay, he rarely says he loves me and never once has explained his love for me. I seem to annoy more than help. He goes quiet a lot now compared to beginning. I initiate all lovey dovey. Has weird coworker. Life is hard for him = possible reason? Idk I just love him.