i hate being trans. not because i hate my body on hormones or i feel like i made a mistake i just hate the lifestyle. i’m tired of the men i attract. i’m tired of the amount of effort i have to put in when i have zero energy. i feel ugly and depressed all of the time. my dysphoria was genuine and unbearable but i don’t know if this was the right decision.
what are some of the signs?
I’m a biological male who has always been extremely gender non conforming. I started experiencing gender dysphoria as early as kindergarten, and it became severe during my childhood and teens. It was intertwined with anorexia, which led to my hospitalization around age 13. I wasn’t allowed to begin transitioning until 17, and I’m 25 now.
I pass as female to most people and have the option of living stealth for the most part. My documents are updated, and everyone in my life knows me by my chosen name. However, I still hate the way I look. I never feel satisfied with my appearance. I hate looking in the mirror, especially at my face. My distress has never fully gone away. I’ve considered getting FFS and bottom surgery, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it.
My physical health has been declining because of an immune disorder. I don’t have the energy or the desire to maintain a hyper feminine presentation especially as an autistic person. Socially, I feel out of place everywhere. I don’t fit comfortably in very feminine “doll” spaces, but I also feel like I’m pretending or somehow not real when I’m in regular women’s spaces.
Deep down, I just wish I could be a normal girl. The painful truth is that I’m not. Actual women don’t have to take hormones for the rest of their lives just to keep looking like women. I genuinely want to give up sometimes, but I don’t have the motivation or the heart to go backwards. I also feel like I’m the only one in the world who sees this as purely medical. I don’t “enjoy” femininity the way others do. I always just felt like I was this way because of my mannerisms, emotions, and the way I was told as a child that I shouldn’t like certain “girly” things.
Yet I also can’t see myself living as a man. Most days I can barely get out of bed because I feel sick or riddled with anxiety. I’m very difficult to be around, and it’s so hard to maintain any community. Being trans feels too stressful on top of everything else. I just feel trapped.