I apologize my grammar, please forgive me for any errors, english is not my first language.
I (30F) am feeling that my friend (29F) has affected on how I don’t trust my own feelings. This has led me to stay in abusive relationships way too long. (Just to be clear, I’m not saying that my childhood and family dynamic has not affected my relationship dynamics or what I unconsciously look for while dating. Also I recognize that my own growth is my own responsibility but I still feel my friend has had an active part in how I approach my feelings in the dating world.)
The last ten years have been a dating rollercoaster and not the fun kind. I have been in unhealthy relationships more than I would like to admit. Couple of them being extremely toxic and abusive in multiple ways, leading to legal actions. The problem is, that I don’t leave when I first recognize harmful behaviors and I feel like the matter what I do (therapy, research etc.) I still don’t learn. It’s like a cycle that repeats, and almost always after breakup I end up in depression and have to rebuild my happiness for a long time. Also I don’t jump to relationships without taking time to recover, but I still repeat the same cycle.
Lately I have been realizing that my closest friend (whom I feel the most comfortable to talk about dating) doesn’t let me talk about negative feelings, without always pointing out what I could do differently. This shows mainly when I’m sharing what my boyfriend has said or done, and how I feel about it. For a long time I appreciated it, because it felt like it gave me tools to grow as a person but now I have realized that I’m not allowed to feel upset or worried. Even when my exes behaviors have been really bad. When I have tried to share, the answer has always been “yeah but what did you do?” or “you could have done that better”, then proceeding to analyze my behavior and giving advice on how I could improve. (I don’t want to sound like I have no responsibility because I have flaws and traumas which add to the dynamics but I have always tried to communicate and understand my partners.) I feel like this has led to me thinking I might be overreacting and for all this time couldn’t question that. Mainly because if my boyfriends AND my friend all think that I am responsible and should improve, I clearly do.
The realization process leading to this question took over a year. It all began when her grandma passed away and I was there for her. Listening and comforting, making plans to bring joy and always picking up the phone when she needed to talk. Like friends do. Three months later my grandma passed away and she was no where to be seen. I felt like I needed her and told her that and she said that she tries to give me more support and gave me some reasons why she hasn’t been in contact. Months past, she doesn’t reach out or ask how I am but invites me and other friends to her home in a bigger chat group. I decided to tell her again how I feel and that I am not in a place to hang in a bigger group and just needed my friend. She gave the same reasons than before and said that she tries to improve. This time I felt like she might have difficulty to be there for me because my grief could remind her of her grandma. I decided to ask about it and said I understood if she couldn’t be there for me at this time. She was clear that that’s not the case and told me the same old reasons. The reasons being “I live far” or “I don’t feel like calling if my social battery runs out”. I had understood these explanations before but now I started to feel really bad because while those reasons are valid, I clearly thought differently about friendships. I don’t mean you should forget your boundaries but if my friend is having a hard time, of course I’ll be there.
The breaking point was when I heard she had gone to a date to a restaurant which was on the other side of the street from my apartment. All this time she had said that she couldn’t come to visit because she lived far. I decided to text her that I feel sad and hurt and have tried to communicate multiple times before. I think I just needed some kind of reason for her behavior. This time she started to blame me for overreacting and said that this kind of behavior just makes her go further away. I was blown away by her reaction and tried to explain that I am only trying to tell her how I feel about this situation. She proceeded to say that I am blaming her for being a shitty friend when I should look into the mirror. This felt oddly similar to the gaslighting that I had experienced in my past relationships. And didn’t even know what to think. I decided to distance myself and now it’s been three months without her or I making contact.
All this has led me to question whether my friend unknowingly or knowingly affect on how I trust my own feelings. And I feel like my friend has manipulated me in some way, maybe not even realizing it. I honestly feel shame and dumb for not seeing this sooner, and sad because I have always thought her wanting the best for me.
Am I delusional to think this way?