Seen some dude saying leaving the glass tip 90% out is not a skill Lmaoo what? That’s why that man had to jam the whole damn tip in the joint 🤣 it is a skill issue I love when my tips hang out but that’s just me
3 days ago I got the call I remember so desperately waiting for funny how life works you prepare a scenario in your head 1000 times about what you would say if you had one more conversation with that person and months ago by before you start realize damn maybe there might never be another conversation but it did and after 11 months she called me to tell me how angry she is about how long she stayed with me and angry for the embarrassment I brought her during the 3.5 years we were together. What sucks about this is I was the villain in my story I was a very unhealed wounded man with a lot of insecurities. I was very toxic and abusive both verbally and emotionally. I hate to remember the person I was when I was with her for which is why when she started going off I cut her off to tell her that I don’t want to hear this. I’ve fought very hard to gain the very little peace I have currently about everything that happened during our time together. You have no idea the toll it took on me to remember the pain I’ve caused. The guilt the shame the regret the embarrassment of remembering all the hurtful things I did and said to someone I loved. Trying to forgive myself for the pain I’ve inflicted on someone who didn’t deserve it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done because trying to make peace with what I’ve done makes it feel like I’m diminishing the pain she went through. 11 months and I’m still fighting with those feelings because I know the pain I caused was deep but that phone call broke the illusion for the longest up until 2 days ago that I realized she didn’t walk away pain free. For the longest I thought she walked away and was the most free she’s ever been but no to find out 11 months later that she still cries about the things I’ve done to her makes this even harder because I remember reflecting and asking myself what was the extent of the damage I’ve done and I said do I really want to know the answer to that question? If I still feel fucked over this do I really want to add more to that by finding out the full extent of my abuse & 3 months later I get this call the call to tell me how angry she is and I know she didn’t say it but I know she hates me and she has every right to do so. But I also am a human being with and one who’s doing everything in my power to make sure I never become that version that I was with her to hear her tell me why me why me? I didn’t have a single evil bone in my body why did you do me like that? Is the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever heard because I never wanted any woman to go through what I put her through but I got the help I needed I reflect and journal I’ve put the work in to be better but here’s the part I feel like I’m not allowed to feel I felt like I should have listened to her tell me what she needed too but I’ve put so much work to build the very little peace I have about the type of person who I used to be and I just didn’t want her to re open a wound I am so desperately trying to keep closed I deserve peace too these last 11 months have been in solitude with nothing but pain and regret at some point I deserve to heal too. Carrying my pain and hers has been emotionally taxing. I hope she knows I didn’t want to shut her down but I just don’t want to go back to a place I’m trying everything to crawl out of. Telling the person you hurt to get help is a very weird feeling because imagine telling the person on the other end of your abuse to get help and do things that will help them get over it is feeling I never felt because if I had just been the person I am now during that relationship she wouldn’t be feeling like this 11 months later but here’s the thing too I didn’t get a distraction (I am not calling her relationship a distraction) but I didn’t get someone to come home too or someone to come to me I was forced to sit in silence in my own destruction and that forced me to look at myself and realize I didn’t like who I saw I’ve had to face parts of me I so deeply avoided But here’s another part I feel like I’m not allowed to feel or say her calling me really blew me and yes I know I fucked up but to call me 11 months later telling me you need closure like damn you really got some balls on you because when she left me it was over a text and I never saw her or heard from her ever again and I saw her dating 2 weeks later I didn’t get any closure and yes I know I didn’t deserve it. I had to build peace with the fact that I would never get closure and little by little my peace with that was growing so for her to call and tell me I need closure is wild it’s not my job to give you closure you have to make peace with the fact that you might never get it just like how I did these last 11 months I’ve been putting in the work to be better to make sure I never become that version of myself again. I told myself that if she ever did call I would have nothing to gain from that conversation and everything to lose all the peace I’ve been working to build would get ruined. And for the longest I wanted something to tell me that relationship mattered because seeing her go from my arms to someone else really hurt and that’s another part I feel like I’m not allowed to say because I caused all this but seeing her leave like that really fucked me up too so I had always asked for something to show me the relationship mattered to her that I wasn’t so easy to replace and that phone call made me realize that I no longer wanted validation because i realized my abuse ran deeper than I thought and that’s something that haunts me because like I said I was always under the impression she left and didn’t leave with any trauma but I was wrong super wrong. I don’t know how much longer I feel like I need to pay this I’m exhausted I’ve been fighting hard these last months and that phone call feels like it’s dragging me to square one because if she still feels this way it feels like I shouldn’t be okay with making peace about what I did and that I still must pay emotionally. This has been the most stressful time of my life but I’m working on myself and making sure I never become that person. Sometimes them contacting you might not go the way you wanted. I don’t think either of us got what we wanted out the phone call because I feel like she left the call without being heard but I don’t want to hear that old version of myself because I deserve peace too 11 months and the first convo is a very heavy one is never gonna go the way you want. But I’d like to give myself credit I didn’t go in that call trying to prove to her that I changed or went in asking if she still loved me or for another chance I acknowledge her pain while also trying to tell her that I’ve put the work to be a better man and that I am no longer that person I felt like I stayed longer and said more than what I wanted too but 11 month with no contact I feel like that conversation really showed my growth but guys sometimes it’s best no contact stays that way at least in my experience I wish it did because that phone call destabilized my nervous system that day my lifts felt off I kept replaying the 40 mins convo we had and wishing I could have said things differently but this happened out of no where and I wasn’t prepared and you can imagine a scenario in your head go over it over and over again and when it finally happens you never do what you planned inside you head