i keep coming back to porn
I’ve been struggling with porn for almost a year now. I know that it’s bad for me but i think im having a mid puberty testosterone surge and the urges are so strong. what happens is ill masturbate, delete reddit, tell myself i’m changing, then a day or a few days later redownload reddit and the cycle repeats. there have been multiple occasions where i have not watched porn or masturbated for up to a month. i’d go 2 weeks with minimal urges but then one day, around 3 weeks of nofap, a gust of hormones hits and there i go again. “one more time won’t hurt. i’m just gonna take a look” weeks of progress gone. Then, after that, I’ll go days in a row fapping every day because i relive what watching porn feels like and have got no streak to lose. i know i have it in me to quit. but at this point, in my brain, i know I’ll relapse. I’ve tried allowing myself to masturbate, just no porn, but it always eventually traces back to porn. i’ve also been doomscrolling a lot and not being very productive. i have visions of where i’ll be one day but then i’ll watch porn and feel worthless.
A side note: my most recent nofap streak was 2 weeks and some change. the day after my final masturbation i went to a party(20 ppl, campfire, nothing huge.) i value my health a lot. i work out 4+ times per week. i do not drink even at parties. but being surrounded with my peers, more specifically females, i feel it really helped my mind. now the day after i felt like shit but still. the next week on friday i went to another with the same atmosphere. didn’t drink or anything but was surrounded with all my peers and felt great. the next morning to not feel like shit i ran. 4 miles. ive never ran that far. now, the week after this there was no party and that sunday i was feeling heavy urges. even tho i was with my full family i redownloaded reddit TO POST FOR HELP. no intention of watching porn seriously. but sure enough it happened and that night i relapsed. Please drop any help because i really need it. maybe instead of tracking every fap like i’ve been doing just tell myself no porn for a few weeks and see where i’m led? idk. i believe that self love and purpose is the most important thing. maybe because ive been scrolling so much recently that divies in. maybe instead of hating myself for masturbating just do it in moderation? i dont know. Also unrelated i think masturbating is causing me cramps when i run.
thanks for taking the time to read and ANY help is appreciated.