I am trapped
He enjoys my pain. Just signed a lease with him under false contingencies. It would be upwards of 6 thousands of dollars to break my lease. He causes so much psychological damage, cheats, gaslights, degrades me, DARVO’s and when I find out he’s been deeply manipulating me about these things for years he attacks me. He goes into a rage and destroys the kitchen or living room, he makes fun of me and screams at me, he leaves to drink and betray me again, and then sleeps like a baby. He calls me crazy, I’ve held it together for over 3 years, I’ve been compassionate and respectful, supportive and kind. Even through his daily episodes of rage I for the most part stay kind. He throws things near my head, and sometimes right at me. It’s only escalated but my brain fog is so bad i rely solely on my instincts. I’m exhausted. He weaponizes my childhood trauma, he grins when finally admitting horrific acts of betrayal and he laughs after I break down after discovering more. There’s not a name in the book he hasn’t called me, I’ve been loyal to him completely despite everything he does to me. When I started confiding in his mom (because I was at the end of my rope and wanted him to get better) , I found out his horrible dad was the same way and did the same things.
The other day he made fun of me so I playfully matched his energy back, he got very upset and told me he wants to be able to make fun of me without me reciprocating. The relationship has been feeling more and more controlling and disgusting. I feel gross, used and subservient.
Behind his eyes is emptiness, they often seem like hollow beads devoid of the things that make a human a person.
Being wounded by his behavior in his presence, is like bleeding out in front of a starving wolf.
I can’t muster the energy to make a single decision for my own safety because of all the psychological blows I’m blocking for doing things that I should be allowed to do, like sigh out when I’m stressed or tell him I feel nervous.
I have no idea where to put this pain, I’ve isolated and talked to nobody about the escalating behavior for awhile. I feel like I’ve collapsed in on myself. I know the names and characters assassinations he assigns me are not true but I take on their weight and feel somehow like they are a part of me