u/Hour_Monitor911

Mods, if the flair should be COCSA, please let me know.

This is a throw away account. Since I was 24 years old, I have done significant therapy on my experience from when I was a kid. But when someone asks me if I was abused as a kid, I usually don’t know how to frame my trauma. It doesn’t feel right saying that I was sexually abused, although my past trauma came up again today when talking with a psychiatrist. I didn’t go into details with them but said some trauma occurred in my childhood.

*question*: what was this? He wasn’t over two years older than me, so it doesn’t fit the protocol for sexual abuse in Canada. I just feel so lost with wrapping my head around it.

For reference, I am a male and my male cousin is 1 year and 9 months older than me.

Three experiences:

1. I was around 6 years old, showing my cousin that I wasn’t circumcised (he was, and I didn’t know why our penises looked different). Somehow, he was crouched down and looking at mine, and he asked me if he could put it in his mouth. I remember freezing and I just said yes. Shortly afterwards, I did the same to him. Between the incidents, I can still recall now how I was looking up and seeing the sunlight shining through the branches of the walnut tree above me. We immediately had to help our family collect firewood, and knowing in that moment that I couldn’t tell anyone. I can’t remember if he told me to not say anything, but I know that it had to be a secret.

2. I was around 10 years old, and the same cousin and I were in my room. I don’t know how it came to be, but we were both nude and standing at looking at each other’s penises. It didn’t feel weird at the time. Next, my cousin asked if I could lie on the floor on my stomach, and he would slide his penis across my butt crack. I said yes and went with it, then I did the same to him.

3. I was around 10 years old again, and my cousin and I were doing chores outside. I don’t know how it came to be, but somehow we got to the place where I was lying on my stomach on the ground with my pants down and my cousin was sliding his penis along my butt crack again. This time, my aunt and uncle stumbled upon us, and I remembered seeing him run away with his pants down while he was trying to hide. He got lectured by his parents and my mother gave me some lecture too, but I don’t remember what she told me.

My relationship with my cousin was weird, I always looked up to him, he was a lot more emotionally mature than me. I was homeschooled until I was almost 14 years old and he was in the school system since kindergarten. I definitely lacked skills in the social department. Either way, I always felt like a people pleaser to my cousin when I was high school aged, and we had a pretty superficial relationship. I didn’t ever say no to him, and I did want to disagree with him. Then when I was around 20 years old, we were sitting around a bonfire, he was drinking and I wasn’t, and he brought up about what we did as kids and how he felt ashamed for it. I remember just sitting there and not saying anything. We changed the subject. Up until that point, we never brought up what we did when we were kids.

Fast forward to when I was 24 years old, I started doing therapy and brought up this still with my therapist. He suggested I set strong boundaries with my cousin. I remember feeling so much rage and hatred for my cousin during my discussions with my therapist. I cut off communications with my cousin, he went to rehab, and I continued with therapy. I’m almost 30 now, and going to be increasing my antidepressant dose this week. I’m struggling like hell with depression and it’s been a dark few years.

I’m heterosexual, and don’t feel sexual attraction for men. I have felt so much shame for my past experiences, and it’s really fucked with how I view my sexuality. I have thought about whether I am bi or not, and I simply get no arousal from men. I only feel attraction for women. I feel confident that I am heterosexual.