u/Hrafna_N7

I won't go into great detail, but basically, I just left my 8 year polyamorous relationship and I'm on my own for the first time in my life. I'm 29 and spent almost the entirety of my early 20s in this abusive relationship. Well, today I'm very concerned for the people still involved with my ex. He's got complete control over them. I've become demonized by him. I don't care how they view me, I just want them to be safe.

These people are still really important to me but I feel totally powerless to help. And getting involved runs the risk of getting caught in his traps again. He's already tried to have me come over to collect some meaningless things I left behind in the move but I said I have no interest in doing so and I communicated that through one of the other partners.

Is there anything at all I can do to help? My heart breaks thinking that they're going to go through this too or maybe they won't even be able to get out of it.

Trigger warning ⚠️ suicidality ⚠️

This will probably be a mess, I'm sorry. It's a mess in my mind too. Sorryy it's really long

Hi my name is Amina. I don't know where to start. Maybe the beginning? I keep feeling like I'm to blame for how the relationship was and I can't really describe what happened to me that felt so wrong but it did.

I'm 29 y/o, I moved up to Washington state for my ex I'll call him Jake. Jake is older than me, I was 21 at the time, he was 27 and had been married. I hadn't even been on my own yet. I lived with my mama in California. I didn't really know how life worked, but Jake assured me that everything will be taken care of. One thing to note is that Jake had just gotten out of an abusive marriage. I know it was abusive cause I heard it over discord. His husband was very very toxic, I think physically, it sounded like it anyway. I helped him get out of that then we ended up falling for each other shortly after.

At first, I had a hard time finding a job. We couldn't make rent in his place, so I was homeless for awhile while he lived in his parent's house. After a couple months, his parents relented and let me move in too. I tried making money doing side gigs but nothing really was working. Eventually I found a part time job and things got more stable. A lot of this time period is a blur. I was drinking a lot and away a lot. Jake actually helped me beat alcoholism. I'm still grateful for that.

But once I got a job, Jake said that he wanted complete control over finances because his ex had control over the finances and he just wasn't ready to share the financial control yet. I agreed cause well I certainly didn't know how to handle finances. I'd been use to that arrangement already too because all the money I made at home I gave to my mom. I'd done that since childhood.

Eventually, we moved into a place with some friends. That's when things got uncomfortable. The friends were.. slobs doesn't begin to cover it it was disgusting and that created tension between us all. We were there for a couple years. Jake and I started fighting. He started demanding that I clean more and I tried, but the house was just so filthy, I could only clean our areas. I've been diagnosed with OCD and I really just can't deal in filth. I can maintain and deep clean, but not to that level I really don't know how to describe it. Mold, dishes piled up to the ceiling, trash upon trash upon trash the smell omg the smell. But I tried and it was a loop of me trying and afterwards washing the skin off my hands for like 30 minutes at a time before I felt okay, lather rinse repeat. I never really made a dent.

Jake ended up having to start working part time because if his back problems. This meant I had to start working full time. Around that same time, we moved and tried polyamory too. Our girlfriend came up, pretty much the same situation as me, young, never been out on her own and in love. She got a part time job too. Jake and I weren't doing great, the fighting didn't stop, I was working 80 hours a week and trying to be present enough to be involved in both Jake's and our girlfriend Ella's lives but I was working so much. This too is a bit of a blur.

Jake and I got our bank accounts linked, so when I got paid, I'd transfer my check to him and he'd give me 100-150 bucks per two weeks. I remember he gave me a bonus of like 300 bucks one time without explanation and I was excited so I bought something for my computer. He screamed at me because that was apparently for rent and.. I just never heard that, he never told me that I swear he didn't. This happened 6 years ago and I heard about it at least once a month. I apologized profusely and still he'd bring it up.

But then Jake and I stopped being intimate all together. We got engaged around this time and that was nice for awhile. But the fighting didn't stop. We'd convinced ourselves that we just didn't fight, but our fights weren't loud. I'm timid, unconfrontational and I just never feel secure in my own positions or stances. I'm opinionated, but as soon as my point is contradicted I withdraw. A people pleaser through and through. Jake is not that way. He's always very in control, sure of himself and able to make definitive decisions without question. I admired that about him. But our fights were usually me bringing something up that he said that made me feel uncomfortable. I don't understand how, but I always ended up apologizing in the end. I really I wish I could remember specifics but I just don't I don't know what I did but I must have done something.

But with me working so much, Ella and Jake became a lot closer and over time I started to feel like an afterthought. I'd ask for attention and I hate doing that I always feel whiny. But there were times when I'd get a day off and expect to spend time with either of them but I didn't even see them only to learn that they'd been off somewhere doing something.

I began to seek company elsewhere and I still feel gross about that, but I always asked first. We were polyamorous, and had an ask first rule. Well, Jake usually asked after the fact, but honestly I'd stopped caring, we stopped intimacy after about a year into our relationship. But I never managed to find anyone except one time and before anything could happen Jake ended up with him.

I don't understand how this happened, but all of my online friends ended up becoming Jake's online friends. I've worked the last 5 years away and my friends are gone, I broke up with Ella and Jake. The last two years I've lived with Jake, Ella and my former friend/would-have-been boyfriend Jamie.

I started realizing this wasn't an okay situation when my coworkers heard me describe the situation and said that it was "insane and controlling." They convinced me to try and separate, so I did. I got a separate bank account and switched over my direct deposit secretly, but I was scared. I had to have my coworker help me I was really scared, felt like I was doing something really wrong.

Eventually I bought a new car which meant a new level of independence. I loved it! But it didn't last but two weeks and I hadn't got insurance yet. Very stupid. A lady ran a red light and totaled both of our cars. Now, my back is wrecked and I have a load of debt. We both were uninsured. I refuse to fight someone who's not insured because if I win I'm hurting someone else, if they win I'm hurting myself. Lose lose imo.

This was my breaking point. Ella and I were very close friends before Jake and I even met. I still love her dearly and I'd broken up with Jake about 2ish month prior to this but Ella and I were still together. I called Ella after the collision, in pain, devastated and in shock. Everyone was home, there were two cars available and I was like 2 miles away. I asked Ella to come help me. I heard Jake say loudly to her "NO." She started crying and hung up.

⚠️ this is the trigger warning part ⚠️

After this happened I tried to commit suicide twice. I was admitted into a psych ward by my therapist and got help, depression meds and such. It was a very very dark time, I started getting very loose tempered and I'd just shut down. I gave up on trying. Any resistance and I just stopped. Eventually, I became numb to everything. Then the final tipping point happened.

My best friend, Sophia, of 15+ years had moved into the house just before the collision. Never caused any problems, just kept to herself and was my only support in the house. She asked if she could have her girlfriend over for a couple of days and in response, Jake kicked her out of the house and got law enforcement involved to forcefully remove her with the stated intention of leaving an eviction on her record just so Sophia couldn't find housing. This failed, but Sophia was forced out eventually and is STILL homeless. This absolutely sickens me to my core, especially because Jake has been such a hard line "1312" liberal for years.

I've just moved out finally and memories are coming back slowly. It's very very confusing and I feel so so guilty and I don't know why I feel like I had to have done something to deserve this. We had 3 other roommates in the house (big house) and they all hated me. All my friends had become Jake's friends. Converting to Islam didn't help me become more popular because to my surprise - the free Palestine liberals - are in fact Islamophobic. I want to make it clear: I'm a leftist and yes, free Palestine! It's just crazy the hypocrisy I saw here!

Only my coworkers were friends now and I'd started to become frustrating to them I think. Idk I feel like I've been a burden on them. But I'm on my own now and getting stable. I just can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong. And I keep remembering the good times, like the hikes we went on, the time we lost our cat and cuddled all together and cried, watching bad movies and played games all together. But I don't know what I did to deserve what happened but I feel so guilty like there must have been something.

I'm really sorry for this really long post, feel like I'm going crazy

Asalam alakum!

I want to thank yall for your support in this sub, it's been lovely having support from all of you ❤️❤️

I'm openly trans. I was told when I was a kid that basically my chromies are wonky. I don't really know what that means other than the fact that gender was confusing for a long time. I'm 29 now, camr out as trans at 22. I thought I was gender fluid for awhile, or maybe I was but ran out of gender fluid lol It's always a journey for sure

I work with a lot of Muslims, mostly people from Afghanistan. Truly such wonderful people they are family truly ❤️ I only realized that after converting to Islam. I didn't know how wonderful these people are mashAllah they're so kind! And a lot of people seem to think mainstream Islam is inherently anti-trans. That's not my experience at all.

These are very traditional Muslims who've taken me in, seen my womanhood and femininity and accepted me. Most know I'm trans, still they are the only people who gender me correctly consistently without issue. Hell, I've already had a marriage proposal which I'm not even sure if that's a joke or not 😅😅 and tbh he is cute Idk anyway lol

In fact, I've come to realize that my gender journey and my faithful journey are linked. Allahu akbar I only came to see that God's plan unravel before me once he came into my life. Once I wore hijab mashAllah I was overwhelmed with joy! I felt like a woman, I real woman for the first time without any question! I felt Allah like a warm hug from a loving father Alhamdulillah it's incredible!

My new Islamic name is Bibi Amina! I love it so much, my teacher was teaching me about her, inshAllah I will bring do that name justice and honor Allah everyday 😊😊

As of May 14th I took Shahada by myself in my room! I wept for a very long time the joy that swept over me is mind blowing!! I've been wanting to pray but worried that because I can't speak Arabic that it wouldn't count or something. My friend told me just to try to follow along

I did Fajr just now following along a YouTube video and reciting as best I could. MashAllah I cannot express enough just how incredible it felt praying to Allah on my mat! I feel clean and warm and overwhelmed by emotion even still as I write this Alhamdulillah I could rest in this bliss forever 😭🥰

Never thought as a queer person I'd feel so much love and joy

I love Allah and the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him!!

I apologize for posting again so soon. I'm in a bad way of late and struggling to make sense of anything.

I'm trans and questioning my faith (or lack thereof). I was a Christian growing up, became atheist then agnostic now I'm here, thinking I might be Muslim. Idk how any of this works and it's all very overwhelming tbh. There's so many words that I just don't know and so many thoughts and differences in people's personal doctrines and sources online say that a core value of Islam is that there is only one way, one truth. However, no one can seemingly agree on what even a lot of the Quran means.

I'm left to wonder is this right for me or am I just desperate for answers? I certainly don't believe as I use to that there is no god. In an earlier post, I stated that I believe Islam is right for me and I'm ready to take the plunge. Now, I'm not so certain because I feel like I don't fit in but more than that I'm overwhelmed. Feels like basic information is something you know or you don't. Even reading the Quran, it feels like I'm missing context because I don't know Arabic.

I'm also struggling with accepting some of the values in the Quran, namely things like homosexuality. Also the idea that we should have blind faith is something that's hard for me. I believe and always will believe that if there is a god, god created us with the mission to discover and question everything. I believe philosophy is education's most underrated curriculum because the question "why?" is a full sentence that should always linger in our minds. While I don't have a problem blindly trusting in Allah because I feel him. I do have a hard time believing in a lot of what mainstream Islam preaches.

I guess my point in this is that I'm struggling to understand where to even start. Is it okay to pray in English? How do I prey? I'm scared to go to masjid, I do plan to ask Muslim friends about a lot of these things, but that's also kind of scary. My living situation is also very very complicated and I'm surrounded by frankly zealous atheists with sharply closed minds so I can't even practice any faith without ridicule here so that complicates the matter further. I'm in a very turbulent point in my life. I want to say I feel Allah. I talk about Islam, I learn about Islam and it feels right. I talk about Allah and I feel peace come over me. I don't know how to describe it but I really feel something here.

TL;DR lots of Christian religious trauma broke me and my faith. Spent a long time as an Atheist, then Pagan then agnostic. Now, I think I may have found more truth in Islam. However, being trans I worry for my acceptance into the community and moreso worry about that conflict because I didn't choose to be trans, I'd much much rather be cis. Live in Washington state and want to find a place that will accept me.

I'm 29y/o, southern out of Tennessee (really bounced around between TN, KY and CA all my childhood) raised southern baptist, although currently living in Washington state. Nearing the end of high school I was getting ready to go to a bible college out of California. My faith cracked when I read the original words of the bible and learned that these books were largely incorrectly translated intentionally. Passages condemning homosexuality originally condemned SA and sex acts with children. Through some perversion of faith turned to idolatry with church leaders and political leaders set up as gods for worship and their tenets were those of hate and greed.

My faith broke when I was bullied by my church and the church of the bible college I was planning to study at for daring to have a girlfriend whose hand I elected to hold in private. I spent 3hrs in the backroom of a church pulpit being berated like a criminal in an interrogation room before I broke and stormed out.

I feel it's necessary to include such account of my religious trauma partially in hopes of finding commonality among this group. However, I originally came here for answers and to determine whether I can even be Muslim as a trans woman. I am certainly not cis, I wish everyday that I were. I did not choose this, I don't think anyone would. Despite my own dysphoria, I pass well enough that most people just think I'm kind of tall. When I try, my voice is passable too. All this to say that I worry about a local mosque's acceptance of me entering the congregation. From my experience with Christianity, it was considered blasphemy in my church should a queer person dare elect to enter through the doors of our hallowed ground.

I'm new to this pretty much entirely. However, I've been a student of philosophy (privately, not scholarly) for years. And what is religion if not philosophy with faith? I jest, but only in part, as I have spent many years infatuated by the teachings of many philosophers. Especially Muslim philosophers and my favorite philosopher Aristotle. I find a lot of truth in Islam's teachings.

I find comfort and community with my Muslim friends who've welcomed me. Men from Afghanistan have become some of my closest friends. I love them dearly like brothers, but I don't know if they see me as a man or as the woman I am despite the fact that they gender me correctly. A couple do see me as a woman I know as they've told me as such. However, most tend to refer to me with masculine pronouns in Pashto but feminine pronouns in English or they'll call me brother. To clarify I work with a ton of people from Afghanistan.

All this to say, these people - as wonderful as they are - are my only insight into Islam. For fear of their rejection of me, I ask you if you think they would accept me as a Muslim woman? I know it seems silly to ask that here considering the fact that they aren't here, but this is totally foreign to me and my relationships with these people is incredibly important to me.

In the writing of my last paragraph I realized that Islam is right for me. Whether or not my friends accept me. I've been trying to convince myself that this is right, I've been afraid to make the jump this whole time. I'm ready to stop running from Allah and embrace him. I'm ready to find my way with god again. If I can be a Muslim based on my relationship with Allah and the Quran, not other people's opinionated interpretations of the Quran I'll be fine to accept.

Any advice, information, thoughts, etc. are very welcomed and appreciated 🧡