u/HubeyDoobie94

Okay so I started preloading 7 days ago after being off H for about 2-3 days, followed by megadoses of morphine, by preload day 3 I was at my standard prescribed 200mg morphine dose.

I was then able to taper off morphine 50mg a day and the big switch from morphine to SR was slated for Saturday but had to witness dose 100mg of morphine which made me realize my tolerance has certainly shrunk.

A couple things I want to note, I definitely experienced some withdrawal (I initially started a WD diary but gave up about 3-4 days in) during preload and tapering but over the long weekend I have not felt physical withdrawal although I am feeling very sleepy, unmotivated, anhedonic.

This stuff is impressive but I'm curious to see what happens as I begin to taper down now. I found myself needing to take 350-450mg of SR daily to complete the full switch whilst I only needed 150-300mg of SR while tapering and preloading.

I'm a little bit stuck at a crossroads because I don't know whether to tell my doctor at my next appointment or not. If I don't, I'd need to probably take some morphine right before my next appointment otherwise it won't show up on the urine analysis. If I do, they may ask me to check out of the program to allow someone else in who needs it more.

I wouldn't mind not ever going back to the OAT clinic again except for the fact that I don't have a family doctor yet, and have my ADHD medication being prescribed by my OAT doctor so yikes, Idk what to do exactly.

If I choose the route of deception, I'll need to witness dose once a week at least and that's already proven to carry some problems with it. When I witnessed my 100mg on Saturday I went to tim hortons while they prepared my ADHD meds and nodded off in my car after eating my breakfast for 1.5h when I walked back into the pharmacy I was like "how long was I out? I just fell asleep in my car." And the pharmacist was like "oh just about 6h, of course he was kidding, but I had been out long enough for them to notice; they said it was 1.5 - 2h.

So that's where I am now, very much impressed and satisfied with SR but unsure of what it means for my life in general as I try to move away from a life that revolves around opiods.

In addition, getting off H and morphine is making me realize how much I fucking hate my job (although it pays marginally better than most other opportunities in the area) and in general this fucking town. I suddenly got the urge to make a bunch of major changes in my life and I remembered that's what I was like before discovering heroin, always dissatisfied, always looking to escape my current situation whatever that may have been, never really content.

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I'm going to spend some time contextulizing this below, but first, I just want to say wow holy shit, is this substance amazing or what?"" In fact, I took a total of 150mg today and with every 25mg dose I not only felt near total relief from the withdrawal that's been plaguing me since Thursday, it's also a much more pleasant (yet not exactly euphoric relief compared to taking H or Oxy) but after this last dose I'm feeling pretty relaxed and pretty sure I'm about to sleep like a baby.

This makes me question whether I wasn't just sold something completely different, e.g, 7oh or something, because I've never tried that and don't know what it's like. Can anyone confirm they had a similar experience? With the same product from the same source? The tabs deffo taste of vanilla, so I don't think there was a mixup, but how great I'm feeling has me questioning whether this is the real deal.

Context (for those who care):

I got addicted to heroin like I guess 6 years ago now, stopped for a bit, switched to oxy, tried to finally quit oxy when my reumatological pain cleared only to find out that I experienced tachycardia and arythmia (this runs in the family too so it was particularly concerning to my GP).

So, at this point, my doctor put me on a taper schedule, which I followed until I just couldn't anymore. Every step-down felt like a mini hell for 3 days, then I'd get 4 days of slowly crawling back towards "normalcy" only to be kicked back down to the mini hell which was now considerably worst than the last. This resulted in me turning back to heroin. I then somehow managed to taper all the way off by sheer luck and chance and taking ultra-mirco step downs, eventually switching to tramadol and then through the same micro step-down process I was opiod free for a few days... I did this while on vacation.

I was so thrilled to have a new lease on life... but when I got home and opened my mailbox, an order of 5gs of H was waiting for me... a package I had ordered like weeks if not months prior was now staring back at me as if to say "did you really think you'd be rid of me". I couldn't help myself I dove in right away and promised myself it was a one-off thing. I'd love to say it was but we all know that is more or less where this story begins so after nosediving directly back into a 5g bag of H I found myself once again doctor shopping for oxy and buying several packs a week occasionally supplementing with some H and at one point found that only taking both together effectively controlled my withdrawal.

I was in a pickle because I had bragged about my progress in getting off oxy to my GF at the time who I lived with and somehow forgot to mention that I had relapsed for like another 2 years. 🤦‍♂️ Every time she left on a trip I'd try to do a crash taper and fail. Then finally one day I just told her... that spelled the beginning of the end for our relationship. Although in an effort to "get serious" about getting clean I checked into detox, got out, and something like 12 days later I was waking up from my first overdose and honestly with how much worse everything has been since I often found myself wishing that I didn't get so lucky, that she hadn't heard me struggling to breathe or that help hadn't arrived in time. Idk. You'd think it would have been a wake up call but it was not and instead I just kept going harder and harder.

I got into a Methadone program, Methadone was awful, so during those 3-6 months I was almost always chipping various zenes. At my request, my doctor switched me to Buprenorphine (i thought that since it worked to get me off opiods in just 6 days during detox that I'd be able to chip, taper off, be clean for a bit, y'know come and go as I please, have my cake and eat it too, I was an idiot) Buprenorphine also did a number on me in the sense it caused me to become very unpleasant and struggle to sleep, and become insanely impulsive, honestly if I ever experienced manaia that's what I would have expected it to be like.

So this semi-manic state caused me to wile out and get kicked out of the annual clinic trip (for the patients that were pissing clean, the only reason I was on that list was because zenes weren't being tested for) before I got my ass sent back from dope-camp I managed to make friends with some of my bunkies who later introduced me to street heroin (which was surprisingly pure in this central European capital that I was living in). At the same time my doctor switched me over to Slow Release Oral Morphine (SROM) because I was ready to quit the whole program after Methadone and Bupe were both equally terrible for different reasons.

Getting on SROM stabilized me... but it also gave me free reign to use heroin since it was indistinguishable on their cheap & shitty testing aparatus. My relationship by this point had already gone way down the tubes and I had no idea what I was going to do so I moved back to my home country of Canada.

Fresh start, maybe I could taper off and be done for good, but I started a job and couldn't afford to miss a few days or be in a substandard mental state so I found a local clinic and as luck would have it they had SROM so I continued on. Had a brief relapse in my first week where I did some H from my old european onion plug and it felt like it didn't even work, then about a week of zenes and capped it all off with some more locally but still onion sourced "heroin" which of course turned out to either be all fent or at least had a significant amount of fent in it.

That was the moment where I said enough was enough and for over a year I didn't touch anything but my prescribed meds and several months ago I started tapering. Got all the way down to 160mg (from a high of 450mg).

This past March 8th I ordered some local-onion heroin again expecting to end up disappointed like the last time and get back on my taper shortly after.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case, this H was pure, it was tested with a mass Spectrometer and was like 95% H the only "impurities" were from un reacted morphine. So naturally my "one off" 2.5g incident turned into a two-month, 20g binge which ended on Thursday when the last of my H ran out.

I was in hell-level withdrawal even while gobbling back 100s of mgs of my prescribed morphine. Since I had ran into the same problem halfway through the binge and vowed to somehow fix it this time I ordered the SR. The timing couldn't have been better because I just basically ran out of all my extra morphine so today was just a test of SR in conjuction with morphine megadoses. Tomorrow the morphine doses will be significantly smaller but after what I experienced from 25mg I am hopeful this will be the thing that finally frees me from opiod dependence.

Of course there is still such a long road ahead of me with counseling and therapy and even tapering off SR I can't imagine will be a cake walk but I must say it does feel like an uncanny miracle that I was sitting in my living room having moderate severity withdrawal and the moment I took it. I felt like myself again it was bizarre because I didn't feel withdrawal but I didn't feel any psychoactive intoxication of any kind so that is an unusual but overwhelmingly pleasant experience after fighting with this demon for 2 months after a year clean.

If you read all this I applaud you.