I’m a college student, and I just failed two classes this semester. I honestly don’t know if it’s my fault, my mental health, or if I’m just not cut out for this.
Since high school, I’ve dealt with a lot of trauma that really affected my ability to focus and function. I used to feel like I lost my ability to concentrate or even process things normally. I had anxiety, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, and was constantly on edge. At one point, it felt like I was far behind everyone else mentally, even though before that, I felt capable and did okay in school.
When I got to college, I worked really hard to improve. I cut out social media (which used to take up most of my day), isolated myself, and focused on studying. Last semester, I managed to pass, even though it was difficult, and I felt like I was making progress mentally.
This semester was much harder. I spent most of my time studying, especially for bio and chem. I did all the homework, extra practice problems, and used outside resources to really understand the material. While studying, things made sense, and I could solve problems, and when things didn't, I would use other resources that taught it well, but during exams, my mind would go blank, or I would see things that I wouldn't even recognize on my tests, and my results didn’t reflect my effort at all. It felt like all the work I put in didn’t matter, or as if I never even studied.
What makes it more frustrating is seeing people around me not trying as much on their phones, skipping class, or not paying attention, and still doing fine and better, while it feels like I'm putting in more effort and still falling behind. I don’t really have a social life anymore either, since I cut out most distractions and isolated myself to focus. I hardly talk to anyone, now only my best friend and mom on the phone, nothing else.
I’m also in therapy, but right now it just feels confusing and not very helpful, and I don’t feel understood by people around me. I mostly keep this to myself, and I only really talk to one friend, and he doesn't offer good advice.
I just feel stuck and don’t know what’s wrong, whether it’s my past trauma affecting my concentration and performance, my study methods, or if I’m just not capable.