u/HumanHouse1544

Hi everyone,

I need some outside opinions because I’ve been stuck in this loop for years.

Context

We were together for about 1.5 years, 4 years ago. The breakup was mostly my fault: I didn’t want to put a label on the relationship or commit. That hurt her a lot, and she still mentions it sometimes. I know I messed up there.

The cycle

She’s come back several times since.

Two years ago, we tried again for a month. Then she ended it, saying we weren’t compatible (different ambition, social background, pace of life).

This year, after more than a year of no contact, she reached out again. Every time, she’s the one who starts things again. And I fall back in because I love her.

The last few weeks

We started talking again about 1.5 months ago. Very quickly it became intense: 2-3 hour phone calls, deep conversations about life and the future. She told me things like:

· “I’ve never found this with anyone else”

· “You’re unique to me”

· “I get bored with other men, I always compare them to you”

· And she talked seriously about having a child with me, either naturally or through some kind of artificial insemination, because I’m the only one she’d trust.

On my side, I wasn’t avoiding commitment anymore. I wasn’t pushing for a formal relationship right away, but I was open to building something simple, honest and stable.

The night that broke me

She invited me over. The evening was great: we went for a walk, had dinner, laughed, felt close. At her place, she changed into pajamas, lay on me, put her head on my thighs. The mood was soft and intimate. I stayed calm, I didn’t pressure her at all.

Around 00:30, she suddenly said she was tired. Completely shut down.

When we went to bed, she turned her back to me. No cuddle, no touch, nothing. I wasn’t even asking for sex. I just wanted a bit of warmth or tenderness. I felt invisible.

The next morning: icy atmosphere. She stayed in bed, barely looked at me. When I left, she just waved from the bed without getting up. She had asked me to message her when I got home safe. I sent a simple “arrived”. Since then, almost silence. A quick “sorry I had a fever, are you mad?” and then nothing. It’s been almost 10 days now.

Where I am now

I’m coming out of a period of unemployment. I just signed a permanent contract (starting June 1st). I’m rebuilding my life. But honestly, this situation with her has left me wrecked. I love her, but I’m angry too. I feel like she uses me as emotional support from a distance, then throws me away as soon as it gets real.

I also wonder what I did wrong: maybe I should have spoken up that night, been less passive. Maybe I accepted the blurry situation for too long because I was afraid to lose her completely.

I wrote a long message to explain all this to her, but I never sent it. I chose to stay silent. A stupid missclick almost ruined it (an accidental voice message that I deleted right away), but I haven’t said anything since.

My questions

· Why does she always come back just to run away when things become real?

· Is her block social (she’s a PhD student, very focused on status) or psychological (fear of intimacy)?

· Should I confront her one last time, or just stay silent forever?

· Did I mess up by being too passive that night?

· If you’ve been in a similar loop, how did you finally break out of it?

Thanks for reading. I could really use some honest advice.

I’m stuck in a repeating cycle with an ex and I don’t understand it.

We dated 4 years ago for ~1.5 years. The breakup was mostly my fault because I didn’t want to fully commit/label the relationship.

Since then, she’s come back multiple times. Recently we talked again for a month: long calls, deep conversations, very emotional connection. She said I was “unique” to her, almost like a soulmate, and that she compares other guys to me.

We finally met after that month. The vibe was good, natural chemistry, physical closeness, intimacy building.

Then suddenly she shut down. Said she was tired, and the next morning she was cold/distant, barely talked, just waved goodbye from bed. Later she apologized saying she had a fever, but since then almost no contact.

The weird part is this exact pattern already happened before:

- she comes back

- we reconnect intensely

- we meet

- she pulls away

Why create that level of emotional intimacy and closeness, then disappear once it becomes real?

Does this sound like idealization from a distance, fear of intimacy, lack of attraction in person, or something else?

At this point I’m mostly frustrated because it feels like an endless loop.

Would you cut it off completely or leave the door open with boundaries?

I’m dealing with a situation with an ex that keeps repeating and I don’t really understand it.

We were together about 4 years ago for around a year and a half. Back then, the main issue was on my side: I didn’t want to put a label on the relationship, which hurt her and led to the breakup.

Since then, she has come back into my life multiple times. About a year and a half ago, we tried again for a month, then she ended it saying we weren’t compatible and that the attraction wasn’t really there.

Recently, she reached out again. We talked for about a month, and it was very intense. Long calls (2–3 hours), deep conversations, personal stuff. She told me I was “unique” to her, almost like a soulmate, and that she doesn’t connect with other guys and often compares them to me.

From my side, I was still attracted to her and open to seeing where things could go. I wasn’t necessarily pushing for a relationship, but I wasn’t against it either.

We finally met at her place after that month of talking. The evening went well: we went for a walk, had dinner, good vibe, natural chemistry. Later at her place, she changed into pajamas, got physically close (head on my thigh, leaning on me, etc.). So there was definitely closeness and some level of intimacy building.

Then suddenly, around 00:30, she cut things off saying she was tired. Nothing happened beyond that.

The next morning, everything felt cold. She stayed in bed, avoided interaction, barely talked, and just waved goodbye without even getting up. She only asked me to text her when I got home. It honestly felt like I was being treated like a stranger.

Later she apologized, saying she had a fever and asked if I was mad at her. Since then, nothing for a couple of days.

The thing is, this pattern has already happened before:

she comes back, we build a strong emotional connection, we meet, and then she suddenly pulls away or disappears.

What I don’t understand is why create that level of intensity, say those kinds of things, get physically close, and then shut down as soon as it becomes real.

Is this a case of someone idealizing from a distance and then losing it in person? Fear of intimacy? Lack of real attraction? Or just testing things and realizing it doesn’t work every time?

At this point I’m mostly frustrated and confused. It feels like a loop that keeps repeating without changing.

What would you do in this situation? Cut it off completely or leave the door open but with clear boundaries?