Hi everyone,
I am struggling today, I've been feeling very down after a breakup 5 months ago. I lack structure and I've been feeling very depressed.
She expressed doubts during the relationship and I was down to work on them, my approach is to communicate what doesn't feel right and make things more concrete rather than just expressing broader doubts. At some point she said how she thought her doubts were because she needs to step up as a partner. But at other points she said she think she is emotionally unavailable and she needs to process things alone etc.
She is neurodivergent we believed, and she is quite spiritual/feelings-body based, and I feel I didn't really get well to what the whole issue is, rather than her just feeling unsure. She brought up concerns about our differences because I am more "rational" perhaps and she was more hippy/spiritual/alternative. She believes in spirits, ghosts, pshucics etc. That is a realm I am curious about and interested though I don't have that deep connection or feeling within me about those realms.
The breakup happened supper sudden and there wasn't
Any concrete explanation other than "it doesn't feel right". There was real love between both. She came back after the first breakup after we walked - I kind of asked for more processing and balancing heart and mind and communicate what's wrong rather than making an impulsive choice. But then it happened again a month and a half later, super sudden and with no warning or explanation, just the same "it doesn't feel right", and right before having plans made for a trip and with friends etc. It felt really soul crushing and not very gentle with my timing either.
I was a supportive partner. She expressed how she never felt so cared for before with other partners and how thoughtful I was. She even worried at some point of me being selfless and her being selfish and brought it up. I feel with her other exes they were more messy and childish and she got the role of being the one who takes care and accepts the other, and with me I would say I was the one that took more care of her or it was more balanced and required more communication and healthy patterns.
The things is as I am such a "mind" person I keep replaying the relationship and trying to understand what went wrong. At some point I think I have made some comments that might have made her feel attacked or questioned, and she didn't really express hurt (neither I think she was able or knew how to, to be fair) but I keep trying to find all my faults and the things I did wrong to ty to learn and understand what I did wrong. I can't shake the feeling that I wasn't enough or that I hurt her or pushed her away or made her doubt the relationship and it is breaking me.
I don't know if you've been in a position like this but I really hurt myself looking for what I might have done wrong. And that realm of what ifs and trying to find where the mistake was is so painful. It is so destabilising because I feel like I can't understand what the issue was or don't have any concrete lesson or thing to improve and it's crushing my soul
Thank you all