u/Human_Dream_4788

Hi, I’m Neil (middle name) M20. I’ve had issues with adult content since I was a kid. Maybe, 8 or so years old. Heard about it from school kids and I had unrestricted internet access at the time. My dad had issues with adult content as well, and it led to him cheating on my mother on a multitude of occasions. Afterward, I researched what it does to the brain. I’m a hypocrite, I’m disgusted with myself, and I’m scared. I think I developed into being what’s called “hypersexual”; an individual who has a high sex drive from feeling emotionally detached from others. I really only feel valued, wanted, and validated when it’s about my body. It got worse a few months ago. I went from videos to looking online for people to have “fun”with - I did this out of desperation for attention. I’ve never been great socially, and I’ve only ever been on a handful of first dates. I wanted to feel wanted. I know the way I sought that out was wrong, and I want to do better. I’ve tried to quit before, I think the longest I went was two weeks. I’ve found that when I’m busy with social hobbies I can forget about it. That still doesn’t help the intrusive thoughts I get about people, personal and strangers alike. I wish I could toss my phone into the ocean; unfortunately I kinda need it for work, school and family. If anyone has any advice, or just wants to be friends, I would appreciate it. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, I come from a very conservative family who would shun me instead of understanding that I already have guilt for myself and I’m trying to seek help. Please, if anyone wants to be friends, I’d appreciate it. Thank you