My 2 year journey with DP/DR
NOTE: 2 years is a pretty forgiving timeline compared to some of you, but nevertheless I hope you find some relief in hearing my story. Also TW I will discuss the traumatic episode that launched this
The year is 2021 and I took a few too many hits of my friends medical 🍃 pen while hanging with friends (I was a senior in HS). I had smoked bud before with no issue. Within 15 minutes I thought I had fallen asleep and gotten stuck on the couch frozen for an extremely long time, so I shot up, and snapped out of it. the next 3 hours it started happening more often, and then I eventually felt like I was cascading into dreams. I didn’t know how to describe it aside from the feeling that I kept waking up into other dreams. Time was getting slower. My friends started freaking a bit and didn’t understand what was happening but thought I just had a bad high - I knew it was something more than a bad high. Till this day I have no idea what this is, though coincidentally my partner had the same experience.
I felt foggy for the next few days but mostly just freaking out by the worst 3 hours of my entire life. I went a month or two feeling back in my body until I got a concussion, and I got intense derealization. It freaked me out given my recent episode but it went away and I went to college. I noticed it again happening suddenly while with friends, and I abruptly left freaked out. Slowly, it started to happen more and more until I felt like I couldn’t see, and the world was not moving together but in individual fragments that didn’t fit. time was moving excruciatingly slow. I was so freaked out, which only made it worse — I felt like there was no way out of it and got some pretty dark thoughts, wanting to not live if I was living like this. It felt worse when at concerts and out in the city. I thought I was living in a dream, or that I was going into psychosis, and even in my dreams I felt derealized.
I went down internet spaces to try and figure out how to get out of it.
I understood being passive in your own life and bottling emotions/trauma for a long time was generally the cause. And that fear of it made it worse (how convenient). So I tried the messaging that I was safe and tried my best to let it pass and tell myself it would. I decided to confront my parents about all the grievances I had with them that I had never discussed. Growing up I would have panick attacks, and my dad would respond by locking me in my room till I calmed down. Shockingly this didn’t work, and only resulted in me breaking things and freaking out harder. I confronted him about this and how I felt growing up my feelings and anxiety’s were never agknowledged. I had a similar conversation with my mom.
Being more real about the circumstances of my life also meant slowly coming to terms with the fact that I’m some form of trans. I started presenting differently, and this helped a ton. It took me another year to come out as nonbinary, but I started by shifting my style, hair, etc before coming to acceptance about what I had been working hard to deny. I was so afraid of ever doing this, but because I hate existing in a derealizaed state so much, I would’ve done anything.
It took years of implementing these things for my reality to slowly come back together but I can say I’m out of the worst of it. I still don’t feel 100% the same and I get episodes now and then, but I don’t will them away and they end up brief. I realized wishing so hard for my previous brain was making things worse. It’s a tough paradox because hating and dreading the worst feeling ever only makes it worse, but when you accept it as a necessary message from your body that some parts of life are too painful - and then deal with those parts of life, things really get better
Side note, I got debilitating long covid in year 2 of dissociating and tbh that shit was so ugly that the dissociation was kinda nice sometimes. Anyways, I understand everyone’s situation and trauma is different, but I thought I’d share my journey in the hopes that it will help some of you. Tbh I also recommend seriously considering if there’s a possibility you’re trans or have dealt with gender dysphoria.
Tell yourself you are already healed, and that derealization isn’t fighting against you (even though it feels like it). Love to all of you